USS New Jersey

Battleship New Jersey docked at Camden

“Battleship New Jersey receives support from the New Jersey department of state (because we threaten them with nuclear weapons). In addition to supporting us monetarily, you can help by liking, sharing and subscribing, so we don't blow up your home town.”

~ Ryan Szimanski

The Iowa-Class battleship USS New Jersey (BB-62) is the private fortress of Ryan Szimanski. She was built in 1943 at the Philadelphia Navy Yard, and after her participation in WW2 (sinking the Yamato and the Enterprise), she was unbuilt in 1948 and put into little boxes. She was rebuilt in 1950 and unbuilt in 1957, again in 1968 and 1969, and 1982 and 1991. A rebuild was attempted in 1999, but the Navy had mixed her parts boxes with Lego due to an administrative error, so she was converted to a museum instead. She was successful as a museum until the third curator, Szimanski, declared his secession in 2021. She now wreaks terror on the city of Camden, New Jersey, and is the primary cause of the rise of ISIS.

The Battleship New Jersey still operates museum tours as of 2025, boasting visitor survival rates over 95%. And, for an $85 donation, you can book a sleep-over with her.

Specifications

• Length: 887 ft 7 in (Ryan is very proud of the 7 inches, other Iowa class battleships only have 3)
• Beam: 108 ft 2
• Weight: 48,110 ton (standard) 57,540 ton (full load)
• BMI: 798.9 (Severely Obese)
• Speed: 35 knots

Armament

• 9 cannons (caliber 16"/50) that shoot Chevrolets 23 miles
• 20 cannons (caliber 5"/38) for use by low-testoesterone crewmen
• 80 40mm anti-aircraft cannons
• 49 20mm aircraft cannons

Armour

• 12.1 inch steel armoured belt
• 6 inch steel deck (plus 1.5" bomb d*ck above this, and a splinter d*ck below)
• 11.3 inch bulkheads
• 19.5 inch turretface
• 0.8 inch experimental bone layer

The ship featured crew comforts including a library, magazine racks, and a swimming pool on deck, which was made by filling a dis-used anti-aircraft gun enclosure with authentic battleship girl bath water, taken directly from the boiler feed water from the 212,000 shaft horsepower oil-fired steam turbines that powered the 4 fish-halvers at the stern.

Service

New Jersey served in WW2, WW3, Korea, Vietnam, and some other war I don't really care about tbh. In WW2 she was greased up and launched from Philadelphia, and immediately raced down the slipway faster than anybody expected and crashed into the New Jersey side of the river, giving her a record for the fastest escape from Philly.

New Jersey fought in Europe until was banned, for she shot a French battleship in the wine locker, and the baguettes was so mad that they nearly went commie. Thankfully, the commie uprising was brutally suppressed by the heroes of anti-communism, the Wehrmacht and Waffle-SS. The ban was controversial, with many readers instead writing romantic fanfiction about New Jersey meeting Tirpitz. After a long career of shooting at the Japs and never even touching the Nazis, leading to her first accusation of racism, peace broke out. Since the French Incident got her banned from the EU server, New Jersey was able to argue at the Nuremberg Warcrime Trials that she only had yellow people to shoot. She was still stripped of her Navy commission after the war, and only re-commissioned in 1952 to go shoot yellow people again in the Korean War.

After being stripped of her commission for racism again, New Jersey was dragged ass-first out of mothballs in 1968 to go shoot yellow people in Vietnam. Her racism charges were finally mitigated in the 1980s when she was re-commissioned to shoot at brown people in Lebanon.

Secession

Do you trust this man with nuclear weapons?

The USS New Jersey formally seceded from the United States in 2021 after a police standoff following the Destruction of the Walt Whitman Bridge. The bridge was 5 feet too low to float the New Jersey out to sea, preventing her from going to her scheduled drydock period. Szimanski had illegally reactivated the 16 inch cannons, and used them to blow the bridge up, selling special tour tickets to see the event. He later uploaded it to his YouTube channel, "How Battleship New Jersey Destroyed Stupid Japanese Bridges in 1944, Reenactment!".

A total of 3 shots were fired at the bridge from the stern turret. The first shot was a High Capacity (HC) round, and missed. The second shot was the museum volunteer who missed. The third shot, hit.

Concerningly, in 2024 the Navy gave Ryan the ship's Harpoon missile launchers back. The deal was barely in time for the 2024 yard period, delayed because Ryan demanded extra missile launchers to "point at the [nearby museum ship] Olympia, those folks really grind my gears."

Navy Recovery Plot

In 2025, Donald Trump attempted to stop the secession of the USS New Jersey, and invoked the legal agreement between the museum and the Navy, to re-activate the battleship. By October 2nd, federal troops surrounded the USS New Jersey and were seen cutting down trees to make seige ladders and catapults. The slow encroachment was designed to force Szymanski into firing the first shot, however, as the feds climbed up on ladders he simply toppled the fedboi ladders back off the ship. Due to OSHA mandated plastic hardhats, no feds were injured.

Szimanski says this was an act of war, the "War of Everybody Else's Aggression", while he just wanted a state's right (to make his own, and bomb third world civilians). Surprisingly, Szimanski has not aggressed in this war, but has taken the diplomatic path, by applying to become an independent "Navy 2" serving either the USA, Russia or Madagascar, depending on who accepts his offer first.

Nuclear weapons

On January 14, 2023, Ryan Szimanski was given the Nuclear PTF (permission to fire) keys, found in an old closet inside the museum ship. A test activation accidentally obliterated the city of Melbourne, Australia, to universal rejoicing. The new threats swung the balance of power and established the modern tribute system of the United States. Ryan Szimanski makes the IRS pay him taxes.

Space Program

The battleship never directly fired into space but one of her gun barrels, taken off the ship after the lining wore out, and modified for moar power was extensively used in the 60s to shoot the sky. 50% of all scientific record we have about the upper atmosphere is from probes shot out of it, as jamming sensitive electronics into a gunbarrel is way cheaper than scaling up fire-works. The highest recorded altitude from any of these probes was 111 miles.

According the CIA glowies, Ryan is reactivating the ship's space-fighting capabilities. Likely to extort the International Space Station, or because it's awesome, or to go fight the Space Battleship Yamato, or because that's cool as shit. Szimanski says his motives are "mostly peaceful".

Battleship New Jersey in Azur Lane

Azur Lane, a video-game with WW2 ships depicted as historically accurate sexualised anime girls features the New Jersey. All the "shipgirls" are frequently 'lewded', and some, including New Jersey, are even drawn post-pubescent.

Szimanski discovered Anime New Jersey in March 2023, after which he promised to make anime real.

On October 11 2025, Ryan uploaded "How Do You Get A Battleship Dressed For A Party?", where he showed off the outfit he made for New Jersey using 2000 feet of bunting (the Murica Ribbon) which barely goes around her waist, leaving only a small ribbon for higher up, and a few tactically placed circles. Ryan says it's because bunting is expensive, and it's historically accurate to the skimpy dress the ship wore in the 80s that gave President Reagan a hard-on. (Even though Reagan said she was "grey" and "had her face lifted". Sick fuck.)

Trivia

• New Jersey is a confirmed Ford-supremacist, and eats Chevrolets, feeds them through her gearbox and launches Chevy-confetti over 23 miles to Brazil. She is suspected over over 60 counts of auto vandalism in Camden from 2003 to 2009. The judge repeatedly postponed the trial; she is under court order to follow a strictly vegan diet until she can fit inside the courtroom.
• New Jersey was nicknamed "The Black Dragon" because her crew ate all the crayons and, lacking reference material, were unable to discern black from dark blue.
• In 1986 she visited the site of the wreck of the battleship Bismarck, dropping a statue of the letter L.