Twelve-step program
Ah the wonderful twelve-step program. Eleven steps wasn't enough, and thirteen steps just sounds dumb. And yes, the Twelve-step program can even cure stupidity. Is there anything it can't cure, you ask? Stupidity? Well, no, it can't cure that. But other things can. Are you a raging drunk who's only enjoyment comes from beating your wife? We've got twelve steps that will put you back on the right track. Maybe you're a crack addicted whore; reduced to giving out blow jobs to the soiled masses for pennies on the dollar in order to get your next hit of smack? Don't worry, you're just twelve steps away from a better life. If you're looking for a complete reformation from that pathetic lump of crushed dreams and loneliness you call a life (and let's face it, you need one), then you, my new non-friend, have come to the right place.
Step One[edit | edit source]
Give me all your money. Ha Ha! I tricked you. But Seriously..., empty your pockets now or tell your story walkin.
...
That's it? You really are a worthless piece of crap huh? I should of gone to college...
So, Step One. You need to admit you've got a problem or whatever. Get that shit out in the open. Look, everyone already knows. You think people actually believe your wife puts on make up like a Turkish whore because she wants to look pretty? No. We're not all as dumb as you. You also drink like a sailor...who owns a brewery...and is Irish. Yes, it's that bad.
Step Two[edit | edit source]
Now that you've openly established you suck, suicide is probably your only option. Ha ha! I got you again. No put down that knife, you're not ready for that yet. We've still got 11 steps! Besides, when you DO decide to end your pitiful life (and you will) don't you want to go to an afterlife? Which is why you need to start believing there's someone out there powerful enough to save you. Might I make a few suggestions?
That Guy (not to be confused with This guy)
Ultra Jesus (not to be confused with Ted Jesus Christ God)
Any one of these have the power to save you from the downward spiral that is your daily norm. But will they? Probably not.
Step Three[edit | edit source]
See that thing you just believed in? Turn your life over to it. Unless you chose Flying Spaghetti Monster. Then you're totally boned; that thing doesn't give two shits about how you end up. No, no, no, it's too late to go back. I forgot to mention--the Twelve-step program is irreversible.
Step Four[edit | edit source]
Let's list some of your better traits. Seriously? This is step four? This isn't gonna work at all... unless you wanna brag being a prostitute
The New Step Four[edit | edit source]
Let's list some of your better worser traits. Yes I know, you have a lot of them. It's ok, everyone's got their problems (although it appears you've got the lion's share of em). Let me start you off...
You beat your wife(something actually married you?), get drunk, lie, cheat, steal, plunder, rape, pillage, kill, steal candy from babies and/or toddlers, murder, rob, vandalize, look at porn but always use the free trial and never pay, forge, lust, smoke, do drugs, have promiscuous sex(yeah, right), and pick your nose and are unemployed. Shame shame. I realize we only covered the tip of the iceberg, but this is enough for now.
Step Five[edit | edit source]
Now tell all that stuff back to me.
...
Good. We're making progress...I think.
Step Six[edit | edit source]
This is the part when that thing you believed in removes these character flaws. Since I don't see him around, I'll take over. Hold still, this is only going to hurt for a second...and then it will hurt like the most unimagineable pain you've ever received for a few days thereafter. You should of went for Ultra Jesus, he always shows up.
Step Seven[edit | edit source]
There, now that you've had your shortcomings (and a few limbs) removed, you're all fixed and ready to start anew. What do you mean it's only step seven? This is bullshit. Listen, you're so ready to become a good person we can just fast forward a little...
Step Eight[edit | edit source]
Make a list of all the people you've hurt because of your downright shittyness. I don't have time for this so let's just save that for homework.
Step Nine[edit | edit source]
Kill all people on that list. Yes, that's really what you're supposed to do, don't question my methods. You want to be fixed don't you? Then shut up and get to murdering.
Step Ten[edit | edit source]
Let's take a breather. Whew. All this do-gooding is making me sleepy.
Step Eleven[edit | edit source]
I think you're supposed to pray or something...I don't know, I fell off the wagon way back at step two.
Step Twelve[edit | edit source]
Have a spiritual awakening. Yeah, right. Here's some acid (Not "AAAAAAHHH MY FACE!!!!!!!" acid, but "Let's listen to Pink Floyd." acid), now get to awakening or whatever. Thank Allah this is over. I'm gonna go find me a hooker. Good luck shitface.