Today's featured article
“Feature this, bitches”
Pretty much everyone's goal in life is to have a Today's Featured Article. Forget that shit about wanting a family or a totally sweet ass Ferrari; that stuff sucks in comparison to the legendary legendness that comes from having a Today's Featured Article. Except that Ferrari comes pretty damn close.
What's The Big Deal Anyway?[edit | edit source]
I know what you're thinking--who cares if I have a Today's Featured Article? Well, for starters, your parents. Yeah, I bet you thought they wanted you to go to college and make something of yourself, maybe even become a doctor and save lives. Well you're dead wrong little skipper. You couldn't be more wrong even if you were paddling a boat of incorrectness in the opposite-of-right ocean. Your mom cries herself to sleep at night because you still don't have a featured article. She gets drunk and talks to her sister for four fucking hours about how her baby boy/girl is too retarded to write a Today's Featured Article. And your dad? He wishes you were never born.
Still don't get the picture? Well then you might be too stupid to read, which means that this is all for naught. But in any case, maybe you're forgetting about the trillions and trillions of forced uncyclopedia slaves. I mean voluntary readers. Not to mention all the aliens, bored at their job of harvesting every last drop of natural resources from their ruined planets only to conquer ours next, who also occasionally read uncyclopedia. They don't even know you exist, but they would if you wrote a totally rip-snorting humdinger of a Today's Featured Article. So now that we got the why, let's go to the How.
The How[edit | edit source]
This daunting task before you can be very daunting to someone who has never graced its dauntness. There are only a few basic requirements I assure you, and most people (and also a few dogs - Lassie, I'm looking at you) meet these requirements.
- Hands--These are essential. I've seen many handless try and fail, only to return to their gloveless lives more pitiful and broken than before.
- A complete lack of anything resembling intelligence. This one should be right up your alley.
- Some other people's years of dedication spent toiling over a keyboard; shunning all those who ever loved them. You're going to steal this shit and totally take credit for it. And get the chick at the end too.
Yeah, i dun gawt dat stuffs[edit | edit source]
Great. Phase Two is now in the process of commencing. It's probably a good time to give up on this dream of ever having a Today's Featured Article...I mean, cmon! What the hell were you thinking. You think that shit is easy? Now that you've given up hope, we can continue. Take your hands, and find a really "good" article. Kitten Huffing is a good place to start. Also, anything with Oscar Wilde in, near, on, under, or around it is pure gold. These two sources are always fresh, original, and never become played out. Also take stuff from other Today's Featured Articles, cuz hey, what was good once is good over and over again! Copy and paste some of that good shit in your article, which you've already named some random bullshit. I assure you none of this matters, it only needs to look good, as we'll see later on. Below I have created an example...don't you steal this you pig stealing swindlers.
The downfall of Rudyard Kipling and Susan's Three Ovaries[edit | edit source]
“Understanding is a three-edged sword”
The 'cupped hands approach', developed by the Marquess of Queensbury as a remedy for the pain of head injuries sustained while boxing, has come to be the dominant huffing technique in Europe and the Americas. Other techniques are generally avoided by all but expert huffers and even experts tend to avoid techniques involving rolled up dollar bills, as the kittens tend to clog, although two other techniques exist. And three ovaries.
As you can see this article is entirely bat fuck insane, and yet, more than satisfactory in terms of becoming a Today's Featured Article. It took about 45 seconds to make, which although is about 30 seconds too long in most cases, I like to go that extra mile. Also note that I addded 3 more words of my own; affectively sidestepping any copyright laws. As a final touch throw in a completely unrelated picture and maybe potatochop (shit, just use MSpaint) santa clause into it in the back, you know, by that totally hot lady. Yeah. Right there, that's the ticket. Now let's get this puppy in the limelight where your brillance can shine for all to see and worship.
How to Make Your Worthless Shit Into Today's Featured Shit[edit | edit source]
This is the tricky part that no one wanted to reveal until now. There are a few techniques that I will give you, and you can build from these yourself. Or not dickhead, see if I care.
1. The Friends Approach. Maybe you're one of the lucky kids who didn't come out all deformed. Get your friends to vote for your shit so it can become the Today's Featured Article. Usually the only ones with enough friends to do this are the football quarterback or that hot cheerleader that rejected me like five times, even though I asked real nice if I could see her boobs, or even just part of her left one.
2. The No Friends Approach. Hopefully this means you're smart, perhaps even with some kind of secret lair or hideout where you've schemed many a diabolical plot to take revenge on a certain quarterback who happened to pull your shorts down in gym class while proclaiming to all "LOOK AT HIS TINY PENIS LOL." Not that I know anything about that. Create an army of robots and have them vote for your worthless, unworthy article. This plan works until the robots mutiny and rip you limb from limb, only to go on a worldwide killing rampage, destroying every living thing in their path and drinking baby's blood to lubricate their mechanical parts. But before then you're, like, king of the world.
3. The 1337 h4x0rz Approach. Sort of like Number Two above, except remove robots and instead use your sweet hackzers to hack uncyclopedia and put your page in the sweet spot. There's less death, but more jail time. But the amount of butt rape stays the same.
4. The Multiple Account Approach. Did you know you can create as many accounts as you want on uncyclopedia? I bet you didn't, you silly little retard. Not only is it great for making fake votes for your horribly "written" article, it's also great for going on vadalism sprees. (NOTE: must be done from your mom's computer. Oh wait, that's probably your computer too huh?) Make your account names as random as possible so none of the gay-police catch on. Mix it up baby. Be dragonslayer6969 and then switch over to cheerleaderchickey4U. Maybe even be a Mhaille or Ghelae one time, or some other off the wall name that may not mean anything. No one will ever realize you're all the same person.
5. The Pimp Approach. Get your ho's to vote your suave ass to the top, fo real. Any ho that refuses should be bitchslapped. Any ho that doesn't know what uncyclopedia is should be dead in the trunk of your caddy.
6. The Ho Approach. Ask your pimp to pimp your article. (Bonus points if the article is about pimping) (These "bonus points" are useless and do not count towards escaping from the pathetic, crack-addicted world you've gotten yourself into.)
7. The Roach Approach. What the fuck do you need a Today's Featured Article for? You're a damn roach. I realize this makes no sense, but "The Roach Approach" sounded funny. Tee hee.
8. The "I caynt cownt" Approach. Let's face it, this is probably your only option since you are, in fact, a lazy piece of shit. Once your page is on VFH some of those people (if they're even worthy of being called that) might actually vote against it. But all their votes count for +/-1, whereas you're going to add +300 to your score. Since there can't be anymore than -30 (amount of active users on uncyclopedia) your +270 will look pretty sweet compared to everyone else. And since no one here can count, they'll never figure it out.
Ride Your Fame to the Top![edit | edit source]
Now that you've got your Today's Featured Article, become the glory whoring whore-bag you always wanted to be, but never had to guts to become. Treat women like shit, drink yourself into a coma, do every kind of recreational drug imagineable and turn your life into one big orgy. You earned it, champ.
What if it didn't work?[edit | edit source]
Then you didn't follow my instructions or it's because you're just a dumbass. Ok it's both. So what are you going to do, dumbass? Well you have a few options. One of them involves Bricks. Also somebody wrote a HowTo that might work also. Who knows, but if I were you (and thank Ultra Jesus I'm not) I'd go with the brick thing...it seems like a winner.