Truth

Truth doubleplusgood!

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“You can’t handle it.”

~ Oscar Wilde, making a cheesy joke

“ ”

~ The Truth on not existing

“We’ll do it live!”

~ Bill O'Reilly on the Truth

“Almonds are members of the peach family.”

~ Captain Irrelevant on the Truth

“If I told you I was a liar, would I be telling you the truth?”

~ Some Philosophical Guy fucking with your head

Truth is a lie. It's an old conspiracy that the government has known about but never shared with the public. It nearly didn't exist, not that matters. At one point it did exist, but it is believed to now be practically extinct.

History

“Wait, wait ... I always told the truth.”

~ Abraham Lincoln, telling yet another lie

Truth was actually the name of a mental patient at a prison in the middle ages. He became disabled while jousting – his opponent named "Fib" cheated by using a longer lance. He was knocked of his horse (name "Honesty") and was sent to the hospital "Trust-Worthy". The nurses used everything from leeches to soap, yet nothing could bring him back to his original sanity. At first they thought he may have had the Black Plague, but then was diagnosed with a new-found disease named "Truth".

This caused the man to become a giant snob and forced him to be as rude as he could to anyone and everyone he met. One day a lady asked him if the dress made her look fat, he replied "Yes, somehow this miraculous dress makes you look even fatter than you originally did!" That was the birth of Truth, named by the king himself. Truth was once asked by the king whether he had slayed the dragon as he had been commanded. Truth replied "No, and for you to actually believe in such stupid things you shouldn't be the one ruling our kingdom."

That's when Truth was imprisoned. But Truth's truisms spread quickly, and before you knew it the world was actually peaceful. After about fifteen years people realized that by telling the truth their lies became obvious, eventually leading to World War 7/22. Along with most of the world, Truth died during that war.

Truth in the Media

There are very few things that are true today. Even "the News" lies, for they only make up stories that idiots actually fall for. Don't even get me started on those weather broadcasts. But when someone or something is caught being truthful it is immediately broadcast to awe the viewers. There are also cases where people test their "truth telling" abilities.

Billy Mays

This man was a true man of his word. When he explained something he made sure you heard it loud and clear! Not only that, but his stuff did do exactly what he said it would. This man is the exact opposite of Vince the slapchop guy.

The Moment of Truth

This show is hilarious. They get paid from all the commercials because it's a popular show, for people to test and see how many times they can tell the truth! They get a million dollars for everything they say that is true. Of course, after ten seasons, only one person won, and he got half a million. He was asked what his name was, and he replied with Yo Mama; his name was actually Joe Smith.

Wrestling

This stuff is incredibly real. Most are shocked that people would actually be so barbaric to sit on another face or jump on them. The thing is that most of them are actually raging homosexuals that just want to touch some other guy's pecs without it being "weird".

Cake

The cake is a lie, and it always has been. Recent reports have come in saying that in fact the cake is a pie.

Truth on the Internet

Some unscrupulous parody sites that regularly attempt to make fun of reality go so far as to shamelessly write fake definitions of Truth. For example, Wikipedia claims:

Truth is the property of being in accord with fact or reality. In everyday language, truth is typically ascribed to things that aim to represent reality or otherwise correspond to it, such as beliefs, propositions, and declarative sentences. Truth is usually held to be the opposite of falsehood. The concept of truth is discussed and debated in various contexts, including philosophy, art, theology, and science. Most human activities depend upon the concept, where its nature as a concept is assumed rather than being a subject of discussion; these include most of the sciences, law, journalism, and everyday life. Some philosophers view the concept of truth as basic, and unable to be explained in any terms that are more easily understood than the concept of truth itself. Most commonly, truth is viewed as the correspondence of language or thought to a mind-independent world. This is called the correspondence theory of truth.

What complete nonsense ... Everyone knows as an undisputed scientific fact that whoever have more influencers is in the Truth.

Truth in the Government

A World with Truth

A world with truth would actually be a living nightmare. If people are actually admitting how ugly or stupid another person is we would all begin to hate each other. The truth would become a contagious disease spread amongst the world because all TV ads would admit how terrible their products actually are. If those companies went out of business then TV channels and shows would have to go off-air. So then televisions would not be there to comfort the people that just had a fight with someone, thus making them go savagely insane. In the end, the survivors will be striving to find food and water and somehow everything will be blamed on the weirdos.

As for the politicians they would all drop down from their positions because, come on let's face it, they only got where they were from fooling the minds of the voters into thinking they would actually do good! So then there will be no enforcement and people jumping each other for food and mouthing off at the weirdos.

Of course, there is the chance that if everyone's honest, we can all communicate and trust each other in peace and the whole world works together to patch the ozone layer and stop global warming. But what are the chances of that?

Fighting for it

From time to time people begin to argue with each other for the dumbest reason. They begin to both say things like "I'm better looking", or "I'm smarter then you". These are repeated back and forth pointlessly, because both of them are actually lying, simply because the other person is always better.

In the end one gets owned and somehow that makes him better than the other in whatever they were arguing about in some remote way. This makes one guy right, and unintentionally telling the truth. But in most cases the two are blabbering hillbillies and end up getting sucked up by a tornado in the end.

Handling it

It's really hard to handle the truth, and the fact is, you can't handle it. When you find out that your puppy didn't really run away, or that your mother really did mean it when she said "YOU CAN'T SING!", it hurts inside, and that is why, truth be told, truth should not be told.

Truth should be "handled with care", although people may tend to purposely smash it around while delivering it to someone. If you're about to deliver something truthfully, remember these important rules:

• Never Make Eye Contact: This can only end up bad. If you stare into the victim's eyes while telling them the ugly truth about you and that one-night-stand with their sister, they may not be too overwhelmed, and may just steal your soul through one gaze, like this dude.

• Stay Away from Pointy Objects: When you tell them that their dancing makes you wanna puke, they may not be so happy and might just shank you. So make sure there is nothing pointy around. To be extra safe, you may even want to wrap things in bubble wrap.
• Bring a Partner: You may need to have someone else hold the victim back if they decide to pounce you when you tell them that you are the one that stole their doll action figure back in the fourth grade. Just make sure that your partner is not related to the victim in any way, since you may end up getting beat up by both of them.
• Don't be Tiny: Well if you're a "little person" you may not want to tell your six-foot-ten buddy his girlfriend just dumped him. You may end up ... well, let's face it. You will end up dead.

Admitting it

Often when a person has wronged someone else, there is a myth that one should own up, and tell the truth. It is believed that this "guilt trip" was invented by Joseph when he was trying to find out if Mary had been cheating on him.

Even more lies

2. ↑ Above is actually a lie?

3. ↑ What is the truth?

4. ↑ The truth lies.

5. ↑ That was a lie!

6. ↑ Or was it?