The Dreaded Ale Machine

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The Dreaded Ale Machine is a war machine, originally built in 1958. It achieved particular fame in the 60s, for going mad and spending thousands of dollars on cheap jewellery, silk scarves, and golf balls. Lately, it's been in the news for getting stuck in a chimney quarter its size, and playing World of Warcraft for five months, only taking a break to viciously slaughter 30 members of the Skull and Bones society and to piss into a cup.

The Dreaded Ale Machine demonstrates its stealth tactics by sneaking up on an unsuspecting American. The photographer tried to warn him, but it was too late...


The Dreaded Ale Machine was originally built to provide cheap, tasty ale for the American army. The thinking behind that was based on a cartoon. However, during the design stage, someone thought it would be a good idea to add a laser cannon, a barbed-wire launcher, and hundreds of steel combs, so as to impale anyone who would try to destroy the ale machine. This would have been fine, had the designers not also given it a brain, made of mince and computer chips. It reasoned that it was better suited to fighting, so it killed its makers and joined the Vietnamese army. It is famous for helping to win the Battle of the Americapean Convention during the Cold War, and thus allowing the alliance of Vietnam, North Wales, Southern Europe, and the army of spiders to invade New York. From there, the Dreaded Ale Machine, along with an army of five hundred men and a thousand spiders, spread across America, crushing many a city under their metal, shoed, and eight (variously) feet. But then they got bored, and went to play videogames...forever!

Attempts to make another[edit]

The American government has tried, several times, to construct another Dreaded Ale Machine. However, through some bizarre coincidence, the original has always appeared seconds before the copy is activated, and destroyed it, by using ale to fry its circuits. After this, the Americans sent their entire army to track the Dreaded Ale Machine, leading to the 2000 takeover of America by a monkey. The aforementioned monkey immediately made it compulsory for American citizens to hunt down and kill the Dreaded Ale Machine. Because the Dreaded Ale Machine was in Russia at this time, America became a vast, empty wasteland. This suited the monkey, who pranced naked with all his friends through the empty cities that had once swelled with life, and played paintball with discarded guns. However, soon after this, the great American revolution began, and all the citizens came back. That was on September 11, 2001, which was why the monkey ended up listening to kids read stories when the terrorists attacked. (It should be noted that the Russians succeeded in duplicating the Dreaded Ale Machine on their first try. As did the Vietnamese. And the Cubans. And the army of spiders, although theirs was very spider-like.)

The Dreaded Ale machine flees the Americans.

Dreaded Wine Machine[edit]

Using the blueprints of the Dreaded Ale Machine, the Americans finally managed to construct a lesser variation, which made wine instead. They sent it into battle against the Dreaded Ale Machine, aided by a retinue of tanks. However, upon entering into combat with the Dreaded Ale Machine, they were royally fucked up the arse. The Dreaded Wine Machine itself was later found in a lift in the Empire State Building.

Automatic Ale Machine[edit]

Years later, the Americans, having altered the blueprints so it couldn't think for itself, managed to create a machine that served the original purpose, i.e. to brew and dispense delicious, mighty ale. However, by this point, their army had been decimated and passing boy bands could defeat them in war. Thus, they fled underground, condemned to drink ale...forever! Which isn't really so bad, when you think about it.

Dreaded Ale Machine in popular culture[edit]

Though sadly absent from TV, the Dreaded Ale Machine has starred in a number of internet cartoons (which cannot be mentioned on pain of death by impalement with American flag), and also has its own action figure (pictured). The tabloids have reported that it will star in its own radio series in the Summer, but nobody's stupid enough to listen to them. It is also the subject of a popular joke:

  • 'Why did the Dreaded Ale Machine cross the road?'
  • 'Who gives a fuck?' (amusing slang term meaning 'why?')
  • 'To kill the capitalist pigs on the other side!'

Anyone who tells this joke is given an on-the-spot penalty death by the American Sturmabeilung. It's the law, you know. And it was in the Constitution. The second admendment, in fact. Seriously. Go and look it up. I won't be doing anything. Go on. I'll look after those chocolates you're eating. case you spill any, of course. I won't eat them.

Where are you going? The copy of the constitution's that way! Hey!

The Dreaded Ale machine in the medium of action figures.

See also[edit]