The Burial At Thebes
Depravity, madness, and sickening acts of terror. All these cannot be found in The Burial at Thebes
Antigone[edit | edit source]
The Burial at Thebes was adapted from the now infamous Sophocles play "Antigone", one of three plays concerning Oedipus Rex. It continued the series' promotion of family values and debating. Sophocles, a notorious British homosexual communist wrote "Antigone" for performance at the annual Festival of Dionysus, a popular Ancient Greek orgy that went on for literally minutes, or however long the emperor managed to last.
The Interim[edit | edit source]
The Ancient Greeks were too busy with their orgies that nobody realised that they had been conquered several times, and lost their mojo. Thankfully, this stopped any more bullshit plays being written, until Shakespeare was born. Sadly, in between bouts of genocide and female circumcision, the Arabs kept the plays alive by translating them into Kurdish, then Arabic, then back to Greek, before leaving it at Latin.
Seamus 'The Sicko' Heaney[edit | edit source]
This is where our hero, Seamus 'The Sicko' Heaney came in. After becoming a multi-trillionaire by writing crap poems about bogs and potatoes, he decided he was not loathed enough. He unearthed "Antigone" in Ian Paisley's basement, and got to work translating it into South Derry vernacular. This took him six days of hard work and intense masturbation. Then on the seventh day, he saw what he had done, and saw that it was good. He rested, knowing that some publishing company or another would kill for it.
The Script[edit | edit source]
Antigone: Our brothers are dead.
Ismene: Shit one.
Antigone: I'm going to bury Polyneices, because I fucking hate Creon.
Ismene: You stupid prat, that's illegal. I read it in a book.
Antigone: Well, if you're not going to help me, you can fuck off.
Exit Antigone and Ismene. Enter chorus.
Chorus: Let's summarise in a needlessly elaborate and complicated manner.
Exit Chorus. Enter Creon, and his assistants.
Creon: I'm the dog's bollocks. Let that wanker Polyneices rot.
Messenger: Erm, he's been buried.
Creon: I bet you did it, you mad cunt.
Messenger: I did not!
Creon: Go and see who did it, or I'll kill you. I'm a bit of a prick like that.
Exit Messenger. Enter Chorus.
Chorus: Creon's the dog's bollocks. Still, anything's better than Oedipus, that motherfucker.
Exit Chorus. Enter Messenger with Antigone.
Messenger: Found the mad cunt what did it.
Creon: I'll fucking kill you, you bitch.
Antigone: I did right by the Gods. You can go fuck yourself.
Creon: Fuck your Gods.
Gods: GET IN!!!
Creon: Imma get you stoned.
Antigone: Sounds fair enough.
Creon: Not in that way.
Antigone: Bollocks
Exit ALL. Enter Chorus.
Chorus: Oh shit, the Gods are pissed!
Enter ALL, including Ismene in chains.
Ismene: I buried Polyneices as well! Execute me, for I love my sister. My previous trepidation was based on insecurity and weakness. I now wish to re-insist my love of my family. By Zeus, make it so!
Antigone: Fuck up, Ismene.
Exit Antigone and Ismene. Ismene is locked in Creon's shed for the rest of the play. Enter Haemon, son of Creon.
Creon: It is my loyal son.
Haemon: I love you father. For your sake, please release Antigone, I love her.
Creon: What? When did this happen?
Haemon: Creon pls
Creon: You stupid Cunt, she's your cousin or something. It's hard to keep track of the incest in this family.
Haemon: I fucking hate you, you stubborn old cunt.
Exit Haemon. Enter Chorus.
Chorus: (random gibberish)
Exit Chorus. Enter Tiresias, led on by his rent boy.
Tiresias: I'm blind. Listen tae me, ye bampot.
Creon: Whae cunt is this?
Tiresias: Here, son, yae've pissed oaf the Goads, so y'ahve, and nae cunt'll be left alive till yae soort that wee lassie oot.
Creon: Away tae fuck, you liar! You stink, get a wash.
Tiresias: I'll slit yer bairn's throat, so ah will.
Exit Tiresias.
Creon: Hold on. This play isn't going anywhere. I guess I better wise up. Messenger, go and save Antigone. I'll waste time by burying the corpse of Polyneices.
Exit All. Enter Chorus.
Chorus: Haha, fuck you Creon!
Exit Chorus. Enter Messenger and another wanker.
Messenger: Haemon and Creon's wife are dead. Antigone hung herself 'cause she's a useless prat.
Wanker: ROFLMAO
Exit All. Enter Creon and Chorus.
Creon: I am the King of Wrong. Forget me. I can only wait until the last of my days ends.
Chorus: What a prick. If only he hadn't of been such an arrogant wanker, nobody would be dead.
Exit All.
Ismene (from shed): Let me out, you wankers, it's fucking Baltic in here.
Reception[edit | edit source]
The Burial at Thebes has been categorically lambasted by the Christian Right, Catholic Church and various women's groups for not including enough scenes of violence, rape, and coarse language. In response, Heaney decided to stream a live video on Youtube of himself laughing hysterically whilst vaginally penetrating his wife with a potato. Critics have called this response "calm, collected, and at the height of style". Heaney reputedly won an OBE for the act, which he declined because he's a DIRTY FENIAN.