The Big Dig
 | This project is STILL under construction. |
The Big Dig, or Not Very Small Hole Project, was a big project meant to test just how deep you could go before reaching China. A final phase of sorts for the overarching "Hole Digging Project", the Big Dig was located in Boston, USA, due to the large amount of willing and able diggers[1]. Previous attempts at the dig had been the "Very Small Dig" in NYC and the "Medium Dig" in El Paso, both of which were critical and commercial failures that were later filled in by the government and bored teenagers. Later renovations utilized some parts of it to connect Logan Airport "Magical Air Vehicle Place[2]" to the world via Interstate 90. Planning began after several rounds of drinks, and the drunken construction was then carried out. Government watchdog groups didn't realize that the project was actually completed about a week after it started, but due to there being a surplus of funding left over, the diggers then proceeded to take part in a several year binge drinking contest. As of 2026, the project still has fund money to burn through, so is still unfinished.
The project's general contractor was the Wally the Green Monster, or as he was known to regular people, "Fred[3]." The project was overseen by the MBTA, which was just starting to get its paws dirty in the politics of transportation construction. The Big Dig is still the most expensive project in the history of the planet, with an estimated $9,000,000,000,001 going into the proverbial hole, and never coming back out. In the week of its construction, it was plagued by issues such as workers falling in the hole and waking up in China without passports, workers accidentally letting lava flow into Fenway Park, and the fact that every 30 minutes someone managed to get themselves arrested. There is only one known casualty from the project, that of Paul Wankel, who had a shovel dropped on his head
Origin[edit | edit source]
Boston had long been known as the world's parking lot thanks to the innumerable amount of drivers spending more time leaning on the brake or horn then the gas pedal. Boston's streets had been designed centuries ago by one "P.M. Cthulhu" who needed room for his tentacles and rose garden. Clearly never intended to be driven on by machinery powered by explosions and liquid made from the bones of dead animals, Bostonians and tourists alike struggled to differentiate any given road in the city from any given parking lot. There was a time in history where a local Walmart mistook Interstate 90 as their parking lot, and began leaving shopping carts in the middle of the highway.
City planners would not have ever raised a finger, but after several of their homes were burned down by outraged Bostonians, they were encouraged to start thinking up some solutions. Unfortunately, they quickly got bored of being helpful, and collectively decided that their time and taxpayer money was better spent busting the myth that you could "dig to China" if you dug too far.
Obstacles[edit | edit source]
There were lots of rocks, buried Bostonians, and also the shovels kept breaking. Post dig obstacles included police officers, drinking regulations, and the fact that pubs closed at 2am every day.
The 5 phases of construction[edit | edit source]
The first dig[edit | edit source]
A shovel was found to have broken ground an hour before the First Dig, making it technically the Second Dig. The construction worker who illegally broke ground first was sacrificed to the Big Green Monster of Boston as a result of his transgression.
Dealing with Cambridge[edit | edit source]
Cambridge, the place where those bastards have their big fancy college, objected to having to see a giant hole on their front lawn. Molotov cocktails and re-enactments of the Boston Tea Party on their ceiling helped send them packing.
Bringing in the Swiss[edit | edit source]
The Bostonians struggled to dig a straight hole due to the curvature of the earth damaging their sense of scale and depth. A Swiss engineer named Bertie Cheese was brought in to make sure the tunnel was straight. By this point unfortunately, the tunnel had gone from vertical to totally horizontal.
The christening of the dig[edit | edit source]
A few people showed up who had thought it was a celebration for a new pub opening. They weer gravely mistaken, as they were all chosen as sacrifices and hurled down into the project in order to appease the ancient ones and prevent earthquakes.
The grand opening[edit | edit source]
The Dig has yet to open up to the public, as it is still labeled "unfinished" on the mayor's desk. He is too busy getting into affairs with interns and aides to notice the mounting pile of papers on his desk. Therefore it I highly unlikely the project will ever be finished, even if he does take notice of the paperwork (he also can't read).
Current status of the dig[edit | edit source]
Idk, is it still there or have they filled it in yet?
See also[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Should be noted that it was all due to a typo (an N replaced with a D). The project managers thought another group of people with "gg" in the name could do the digging entirely for free.
- ↑ THE CITY OF BOSTON DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE EXISTENCE OF: A) any sort of aerial vehicle, B) the so-called Logan Airport
- ↑ "regular people" meaning the 2 that we interviewed outside our back alley