Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority
The Massachusetts Bad Transit Assholery, also known as the MBTA, "Tha T", "Da fuck's at smell?" and Hell, is a mass(hole) transit service serving literally everyone near Boston west of Worcester, infamous for being incredibly slow and having only one purpose.[1]
History
The first inkling of there being such a thing as the MBTA was when a steam train that wasn't known to explode into fiery parts was put into use by the Boston & Lowball railroad in the late 1800s. This railroad exists to this day as a part of the Green Line. In 1987 people got so fed up with the automobile traffic[2] that they followed in the footsteps of the moles and their nearby enemies, the New Yorkers, by digging tunnels underneath their city. They then placed trains into these tunnels, as crawling on hands and knees proved to be painful and slow. Some more claustrophobic city dwellers decide to go the opposite path, and made elevated rails for the snooty to look down their noses on the peasants below. Naturally, the above ground rail was ugly as sin, blocked the rest of the natural light that was already mostly blocked by the towers of brick and daily foul weather, and was roundly hated by all with eyes. Parts of the elevated rail were destroyed in riots as a result of this mistake.
In 1947, the city of Boston tired of all transportation being ran by child labor and a few fat millionaires, and decided to buy up all the trains and buses they could, placing them under a brand new company called the MTA. In 1964, they acquired a small rowboat, and as a result rebranded to the MBTA to include bay in the name. They than began to name all of the various transport lines after colors, but due to the crayon box used only having 4 colors at the time, they were severely limited with the naming scheme, resulting in names like "Green Line D" and other strange choices. Sadly, in 2009, the MBTA had its last taste of its freedom before being placed under the iron glove of the much maligned MassDOT, or Massachusetts Department of Twits.
Services
Buses
One of the few services that can get you within three quarters of a mile of your destination. It would be the way to travel, were it not for the endless traffic within a forty-mile-or-so radius of downtown. Known issues aside from the clogged traffic are: the Daily Tweaker Invasion (9–11 pm), the Tire Strike, which takes place during the colder seasons and whenever else the tires feel like it, and also the bus drivers' inability to recognize that passengers are humans and not crash test dummies.
Planes
The MBTA has yet to discover regular air travel, but has in development some plans for a space travel center. The last time an airplane was seen in Boston, the population fell to their knees in worship of the "sky god", and even built it a shrine, (see: Logan Airport), before being told by a visiting New Yorker what it was. Enraged at being fooled by the false god, they quickly destroyed the shrine, which has only been recently replaced as the city elders have forgotten the old ways and the people turn to worshiping false idols again. The MBTA has no part in this tomfoolery, and publicly denies its existence despite there being a station at Logan Airport.
Teleportation
The only known teleportation stations are the weed store across the street from Fenway Park, the park bench in Back Bay, and the ladies restroom in that one Subway. The station 'conductors' conduct the teleportation sequence via inhalation of specialized 'fuels' that enable the user to travel large distances within the time it takes them to blink just once. The teleportation system is regulated predominantly by the ATF and Bureau of Drugs and Firearms due to its volatile fuel requirements, but only MBTA employees staff all three stations. Unrelated, the stations are only operational during the standard MBTA transits' off hours. The MBTA has yet to put forth a statement about their new form of transport.
Rail
The best way to get into Boston from any city with a station. If you don't live in a city within a 10 minute drive of a station, you're fucked. Even at its slowest, it's still faster than the bus system or driving to Boston, both of which may prove lethal due to the disappearance of brakes, turn signals, and logic the moment you cross the city limits.
Ferry
Apparently, this stupid thing has a ferry too. Who the hell is gonna use a ferry? It's not like there's a bunch of whales around ... right? Makes you sicker than the Blue Line,[3] and that's saying something.
And last but not least ...
The subway
Probably the most famous part of the T, and the easiest way in Boston to get crammed in a giant metal tube with sixty other people who smell like seven-year-old fish.
Green Line
The successor to the third oldest underground rail network in the world. With the oldest sections dating to 1897, most of the trains also date to that time, and have the speed and shakiness of a badly made wooden box on rails from that era. In the event a nicer train comes along, it is required by Boston law to have it go out of service two stops after you get on.[4] Almost empty except before and after Bruins, Celtics, and Sox games, where it becomes the most crowded place in Boston. Almost has more crashes under it's belt then Amtrak.
Orange Line
The only really nice line, as it passes through the affluent neighborhoods and cities north of Boston. Also the only line that doesn't smell slightly like piss.[5] The trains they use are pretty nice, until the line passes south of downtown, where it becomes a Green Line-esque hellhole.
Blue Line
Absolute hell. Smells like hell, looks like hell, rides like hell, gets crowded as hell, gives you hell, and short as hell. The only good part is being able to get some decent roast beef in Revere and being the only connection to the New England Aquarium. This one is the whole of the MBTA's bitch.
Red Line
Actually not the worst line out there. If you need to use the Ashmont–Mattapan line, expect to get where you need to go incredibly quick.
The stations
- North Station: The useless station connecting the North Shore to the city. Mostly used for Bruins and Celtics games. Also has (one) Amtrak connections.
- Malden Center: Only used to send douchebags from Malden downtown
- Fenway: Misleading tourists going to Fenway Park since 1959.
- Kenmore: The actual station people use to go to Fenway.
Incidents
The "rail chicken" event
This 1990 train collision was an epic smack down between an Amtrak train, the Night Owl, and a MBTA commuter train, the Sox Sucker, just outside Back Bay Station in Boston. An investigation by the NTSB found that the Amtrak train had attempted a drift around a curve at speeds over 45 miles per hour, causing it to jump tracks and charge directly at the MBTA train, which foolishly decided to stay on its own track and passionately make out with the Amtrak before exploding violently into many bits. Somehow, nobody died, which made it a bad day for lawsuits, but almost 500 people were in some state of injury ranging from scratched knees to head booboos.
Choo Choo Boogaloo: 2
On the morning of May 28, 2008, two MBTA trains collided on the Green Line branch. The NTSB[6] found that the operator of the first train, Terese Edmonds, had gone into an episode of micro-sleep as a result of her micro-stupidity, causing her to lose awareness of her surroundings and miss the giant 500‑ton vehicle barreling down the tracks at her. The collision micro-killed Edmonds, and some others got a little bit hurt.[7]
The future of transportation
- The Boston Interplanetary Transportation Crown Hall Spaceport (BITCHS) Still in the works as Bostonians have yet to be given a valid reason to even leave Boston. The airport was only given an OK due to its ability to bring in others to Boston.
- Massachusetts Ultra-Town Tunnel (MUTT) The Ultra-Town Tunnel will someday allow Bostonians to traverse the city of Boston at speeds higher than 4mph via a large tunnel from Quincy Market to the MFA.
- Massachusetts Bay Free Piggy Back Ride Program for People in Need of Rides (MBFPBRPPNR) Has yet to be put in effect due to trial runs proving to result in a high percentage of public sex, muggings, and general thievery.
- The Transportation Interstellar Technocenter (TIT) Also yet to be built. The TIT is supposed to be constructed before the BITCHS. The TIT will serve as a sort of mission control center for all Boston-based space travel. Due to labor laws in Boston however, it is unlikely that it will be started until the BITCHS is open for public use, wasting taxpayers an estimated 6 trillion, and pushing the first flight date back a good decade or so.
- The People's Universal Safe System Yellow line (PUSSY) The planned overhaul and renovation of the current Metro system in Boston will allow inhabitants to get around at an increase of 2.3% efficiency with the addition of a "yellow" line to appeal to visitors from other large cities with color-based train nomenclature.
In popular culture
In 1951, the subway network was the setting of A Subway Named Desire, a short story by astronomer Armin Jojo Dork. The tale described a Boston subway train that accidentally became a prostitute after becoming lost in the Charles[8] River.
In 1959 the song "M.T.A.", featuring Biggie Cheese and PaRappa the Rapper, was a hit single. It tells the absurd story of a Boston local named Chuckie, who was a broke fool who couldn't afford a five-cent ticket. "I ain't no train, girl, but I ran a train on yo girl!" is an oft-quoted line from the song that is believed to have inspired the slang expression "running a train".
See also
Notes
- ↑ that purpose being to break down
- ↑ Oh, how they wish they hadn't complained! Little did they know what real traffic was like.
- ↑ vis Taylor Swift
- ↑ It's also required by law to break down for at least ten minutes during each run.
- ↑ until south of downtown, of course
- ↑ a.k.a. "People Against Fun in Public Transport"
- ↑ struck by micro-particles emitted from the micro-crash
- ↑ Or Mystic, or even the Bass, or was it the Muddy River?
