Stars in Their Eyes
“Tonight Matthew, I'm going to die a slow, horrible, agonising death.”
“Gonna be a juke box hero! With stars in his eyes!”
Actually called Astroculitis, Stars in Their Eyes is the the last episode in a series of nasty eye conditions, each one we will call an "unfortunate event". Its sister conditions, Stars In Our Eyes and Stars In Plural Form Of Your Eyes have been eliminated thanks to vaccines (thanks, vaccines) but this horrible disease is still at large.
The end result of SITE condition is another condition known only as certain death. It is slow, and painful. For God's sake, I urge you to read this article and protect yourself, before you get...Stars In Your Eyes! AAAAAAAAA!
The condition can be contracted through many means, but watching too much bullshit TV is the main cause. So the best thing to do then is trash your telly! Lol! But please, if you do anything, make sure you avoid hideous, glass-shattering song contests like Fame Academy and Pop Idol and X Factor.
You will also certainly fall prey to the condition if one gets cum in one's eye, so when your bitch is sucking you off, do not "aim" at her eye. Unless you've found out she's cheating on you; in that case it is the perfect revenge method.
So, let us suppose you've been infected with SITE syndrome. First of all, congratulations! Now you face certain death, and here's how:
Stage 1: The Drug Trip
Upon infection, millions of star-shaped bacterias flood the eye. Don't worry, to you this will seem like a free drug trip, because you will see colourful stars floating around everywhere. So, while you're still alive you may as well enjoy the ride.
Stage 2: The Itchyness
Now the high, drug-like state has worn off, and all that's left is this insanely overwhelming desire to scratch. Do not scratch. It will kill you. Read on to find out how.
Stage 3: Major Spawnage
That's right. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, the bacteria are reproducing on your eye. Now the mother bacteria are quite big, and the child bacteria are vicious, itchy little fuckers. I mentioned that scratching will kill you. Why? Because now the bacteria all contain tiny drops of corrosive acid. Yeah, that's right. One little harmless rub and your eyes burn away into your skull! Hahahaha! Once again, please do not scratch.
Stage 4: The Giving In
And soon enough, the itchyness becomes too madly irritating to not scratch, and you give in. Aaaaaaaah... For a couple of seconds, there is relief and everything is fine.
Stage 5: The Punishment
"Ooooooooooooh, and now that acid is FLOODING over his eyes! Just look at havoc it's reaking! And he's screaming out in pain for help, but there's no hero coming for this damsil in distress, is that right Barry!" "It certainly is Ken, and golly gosh, NEVER have I seen such a corrosive display in my life! Cor, with all that smoke coming out of his eyes, ears and nose, he must have multiple kettles inside his brain! Hahaha! This has been Ken and Barry reporting on this hideous torture."
Stars In their eyes is also a number 78 Chart hit for cockney used car salesman "Just Jack". he realised the song sometime after 1945 after some drunk guy at karaoke told him "shoor s'not tooo baahd at tha' ole tunes" This man turned out to be his father who he previously believed was Jonathan Ross.
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