Shanty town

Greetings everyone and my name is Bob Smiles! I am a business man currently living in a shanty town and I would like to tell you that they are the BEST TOWNS EVER! I mean, you have everything you want in there! Including your essential roof! It has lots of holes so when the rain comes, you get a free shower! How cool is that? And that's not all.

You have free toilet paper! Ever stumbled upon a couple of rags on the ground? Wait, fuck that, they're not rags, they're awesome good quality toilet paper! Rub it on your backside and it gives you a soothing comfortable feeling! Sometimes, it may give you a little squelch, which is probably those dead insects being crushed under your backside which is probably just the awesome quality's side effects! Cool right?

Still not convinced? The rooms come in cheap prices! You don't need to cross bridges because they already have a big rubbish dump in the river for you to walk on! That just shows us how considerate our President is! Isn't he awesome?

I can see you having second thoughts about this. But don't leave! Not yet! I still have a load of things to talk about with you! You might change your mind, you know ...

Just look at that! Our houses are squeezed together so that our playground has more space! Isn't that awesome?

Features

Like I said, shanty towns are freaking awesome! Who gives a shit if they're informal? And illegal? Bullshit. Only thing illegal I see here is not allowing our beloved ladies and gentlemen to live here!

So the houses are often made of steel, iron and wood! No windows, silly, so we can feel the cool breeze without having the tedious task of opening the shutters, that's why! So what about rain? Nah, you can get another free bath just like the holes in the roof, eh?

The walls? Oh, they're beautiful and smooth metal plates pieced together to form our delightful walls! Although you do have to be a little careful because the walls are very a little fragile! Oh, what? You just put your hand there and it fell? Well, due to the active volcanoes and the tsunamis, we may have to move our houses around a little! And that's why the walls are fragile! So you can easily move them with your bare hands along with the rest of the house ... to somewhere safe without the tedious task of signing a stupid contract and paying big bucks to move house, right? Right!

Now for the magnificent areas. Shanty towns are often found in glorious awesome places like near sewers! Aren't they magnificent! So what if there's a stench? You ain't gonna bitch around a little stench, are you? No you aren't! Because they have food in the sewers! That's right, free food! No need for pizza deliveries anymore! McDonald's can go deliver some shit pies. Free food, guys! Isn't that awesome? And if you're lucky, you may find a couple of rags lying around! Then you can take the stuff lying there! Isn't that First Class at it's finest? They're not only located near sewers too! They freaking located near swamps! Swamps with not free food, but even better. Plastic bags! As you know, plastic bags are essential in our life. And can you imagine living near somewhere with so many essential stuff to recover?

Okay, so Shanty towns do have a total absence of telephones and electricity. But who gives a damn? Who needs telephones when our houses are stacked so close to each other? All we need to do is yell! In fact, we may not even need to yell so loudly because we're stacked so close to each other! Isn't that wonderful? And electricity? Nah, we have candles and rocks and grass and rags to start fires with. With that, who needs electricity?

Just look at the beautiful words scribbled across the floor! Great entertainment! And just look! The toilets are so attractive, everybody took a shit there and now it's lodged! Aren't those toilets great?

So there you have it, the wonderful features of shanty towns! Still not convinced?

Wonderful toilets

They have wonderful toilets! I'm talking about first class toilets here!

Even Hotel toilets cannot be compared to these wonderful toilets in shanty towns! Just look, the toilets are so awesome, everybody wants to take a shit in them! And the stench? Fuck the stench, the beautiful toilets are enough to make your jaw drop!

You have to poop squatting down and not being able to sit down? Fuck that, at least it forces you fat assholes to exercise your legs a little as you take a little shit. That is for your own good, you know. And if you're not a fat asshole and you're actually a thin asshole, all the more you should exercise your legs to make it more muscular! So, there you have the wonderful toilets!

Just look at the beautiful scenery we can admire as we walk along!

They have wonderful transport! No cars, no buses! Why would you want cars anyway? They can run over your houses if the drivers are not careful, and driving a bus in a shanty town is quite dangerous, you know!

Wonderful transport

Nope, no bicycles too! Oh come on, you lazy pieces of shit! The best transport we have is walking! That's right, we take walking as wonderful transport! It's free and it gives us exercise too! And we often walk under the sun which burns away our skin and gives us an awesome new look! That's called free facial operations, silly!

We're so civilised, we won't knock the doors when we need to enter your houses because we're afraid you might get disturbed by the noise. So what do we do? We quietly axe down the door! We're so damn civilised, man.

Wonderful people

They have wonderful people living in shanty towns! Civilised, kind, dignified people walking all around shanty town! Like me! I'm damn dignified! And formal! And civilised! I don't eat carrots, but I eat cabbage! Because only civilised people eat cabbage! People who eat carrots can go fuck themselves.

We wonderful people are so dignified, we are brave enough to shoot a random guy in the face because, heck, we want to make others laugh! We're so damn considerate, aren't we?

Still not convinced?

So that's shanty town! Still not convinced? Shanty towns comes in cheap prices! It's so damn convenient! And it's almost everywhere around sewers, which makes it easy to find if you ever get lost! Shanty towns have so many wonderful features! Amazing, right? Right! So what are you waiting for?

Sell your stupid old house ...

And buy this!

So what are you waiting for? Buy now!

Quasi-Featured Article (19 December 2011) 

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