Sedbergh

Sedbergh is a small, dank hole, traditionally argued over by both Cumbria and Yorkshire as to which of them should be forced to accept ownership of it.

Fisrt of all please excuse the use of the English language and punctuation, which is very much a part of the tradition of expensive education at the Upper Class school of the same name. Apostrophe's have been used liberally and incorrectly, but thats what you can expect from rich stuck up idiots.

Geography

Many people are amazed that Sedbergh exists - which its inhabitants are even more amazed that it exists and are therefore inbreads - but this is due to the unfavourable positioning between nothing and nothing. There have been murmurrings that Sedbergh is actually between Kendal and Dent, but, as we all know, these are mere derivatives of the word "nothing". But back to the geography.

Sedbergh is noted for it's hills - many people pass through through Sedbergh and often say "hills" but they would be much mistaken. Sedbergh is infact surrounded by "fells". This strange linguistic abnormality was first in evidence when boys from a local boarding school were reportedly throwing themselves off the hills to avoid being "burgled" - as this was obviously not the case (said the school's Press Officer Kommandant Himmy Hirst) they were obviously falling off the hills at the thrill at being at the school. But I doubt the schools employees agree with that. Hence "hills" now translates into the local dialect as "fells".

The Forrest of Akay

Far from the lands of Middle Earth, there lies (yes, "lies") a wood of overbearing darkness that sucks at the soul of all unfortunate travellers who enter her environs. Look carefully at any woman who is innocently walking her dogs through the dim lit interior of Akay and you'll notice some strange effects about her person. For instance - is that a walking stick or an AK47? Is that a dog, or infact (and is more likely to be the case) a ferocious rottweiler-polar bear crossbreed? Are those real eyes or laser eyes with which to burn your pants off? If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself wandering the dark avenues of Akay, and you spot one of these numerous beasts, the only known defence is one invented by a local genius "Ronnie the One Armed Plank" or more commonly known by the local yocals "Ronnie the One-Armed Bandit". Retreat as quickly as you can to the nearest pub and pretend to know nothing of the outside world, not that any of the inhabitants know anything of the outside world.

Glacial Plateaus

A common occurrence in Sedbergh is the glacial plateaus left after the last ice age. Local geologists, such as the renowned Jim Fisher, studied these level plains for many years, conferring on them the name "rugby pitches". Though they are a natural occurrence, they have been adapted of late for the passing of time by old men who like to watch young boys (and lately, as their interests have broadened) and young girls, physical exert themselves. I'm not insinuating anything. Straight up. I haven't said anything guv'nor.

The Pub

Strange as it may seem to the casual observer from outside of Sedbergh (referred to locally as "fuck off"s), the public houses in Sedbergh are not of man's construction. Indeed, these apparently designed premises are infact remnants of giant boulders that were worn away by an ancient sea millennia ago. It is an amazing thing to occur naturally, but even more so to the local inhabitants who spend most of their waking moments sight seeing at these natural monolith's. The most notable is The Bull, but even it's amazing facade and interior cannot quite aleviate the general gloom and fucking awful beer that is of the moment perpertrated inside as "atmosphere" and "drink".

History of Sedbergh

Sedbergh was first colonised by man sometime in the Roman era. What the hell that person was doing is still debated, as Sedbergh must have been a damn bleak place back then. Anyway, people eventually came and lived in Sedbergh. Why though? I mean, why? Anyway, the population boomed in the two thousand years since man first came to Sedbergh and has rocketted up to a heady two thousand people.

The Dark Ages

There were no lights possessed by the people of Sedbergh (referred to locally as "us") in the Dark Ages, which explained the absolute lack of any axciting recorded history. Said Sedbergh's oldest man "it were dark". However, it did lead to the Marquis de Sade labelling Sedbergh "better than blindfolds". Local historians have cited the Dark Ages as the time Woof's and Braithwaite's bus companies first came into existence, exporting the youth of Sedbergh in the general direction of "away".

The Middle Dark Ages

Not so much a time of insufficient lighting as a reference to the general ignorance of Sedbergh folk to matters beyond the "fells". It was about this time that local leaders decided to make an expedition to Kendal to see if "it were worth the bother of going" and to "get those bastards who make Kendal Mint Cake 'cos me teeth ha' fallen out". It wasn't worth discovering and Kendal Mint Cake is still in business. Very rude

The good things about Sedbergh

The A683 and the A684 (escape routes).

Sedbergh Englands first book town

Sedbergh is now a book town i dont no why as everyone who comes out through settlebeck and sedbergh school cant read i mean do you think many people can be arsed with the amount of bookshops, is it that visitors who for some reason liked the place they decided to move here then realised it needed changing and decided to make it into a book town!!! Why may i ask.

See also

• Cumbria
• England
• Britain