Satisfactory

Satisfactory, or better known as Satisfuck my life, is a game for masochist mathemagicians.  The basic gameplay loop is like manifest destiny, get in, steal everything, and then stay because it’s yours now.  You play as Ficsit’s bitch aka the pioneer, who will die repeatedly because osha does not exist on MASSAGE-2(A-B)b in the binary star system of Akycha.  There are many places to visit that have more things to steal, like the coal mines and Mt Ebo.

Gameplay

Things to steal

Across the vast plains and giant random arches, there are many colored rocks which Ficsit wants you to obsess over.  However, the giant mega corporation that owns you is actually right for once.  Because some of these fancy rocks are rather helpful for turning the planet you’re on into earth, that is, absolutely destroying it.  Such as rotten eggs, which are crucial in pipebombing your way to peace.  Also fossil fuels, which are there to destroy the environment even more, via pollution and microplastics.  The perfect combination!  There is also this random guy named SAM that you need to find, like seriously who is he?  Finding him will allow you to do a bunch of cool stuff later on, like doing things that will probably irreparably damage the space-time continuum, all for what amounts to twenty dollars.  Then again, twenty dollars is twenty dollars.  There are also some funny S shaped rocks lying around usually categorized in the same classification as black holes, which are also collectible and exploitable. These have uses in exploiting their power in order to net even more profit for Ficsit, such as having cloud storage, or energy to matter conversion. For some reason, Sam and these artifacts love whispering in your ear like the creeps they are. Your colleague pioneers who attempted to tame the planet before you, or your drop pod that kept breaking left behind hard drives in wrecks all over the map. Ficsit does not want valuable data being lost in the wilderness, so is commissioning you to go find them, and scanning the soft drives through the MAM, or the Mother Atomizing Machine, will allow Ficsit to receive the data from them. Ficsit leverages this against you because they have several, more efficient ways to produce things, and big brother Ficsit will reward you for each soft drive you find by letting you choose one of those recipes to unlock for yourself, which they will wirelessly upload to your build gun’s database, allowing you to use it.

Things to extinct

The first step towards colonization is expelling the natives or at least destroying any chance they have of halting your progress.  This one-person colony is no different, and as the pioneer you have some alien fauna that needs pipebombing.

Fig 1.0 - The pioneer’s main form of offense

There are four different enemies, each with very basic and bland names that make too much sense.  There are hogs, which have no semblance of intelligence and just attempt to run into you, cats which for some reason will try to stab you, literal wasp nests, and living particle accelerators.  Each of these enemies has a slightly bigger version that is also more chonky, thus making them require more explosives,  along with some having even chonkier versions that are just each enemy’s version of Superman, such as a nuclear power plant disguised as a hog. However, there is also Timothy. Timothy is peaceful and just sits there, usually surrounded by some hazard, as they like solitude. Timothies can be used as a way to increase your production rate, as long as you use them as a blood sacrifice in a ritual to the efficiency gods. As much as you may love your purple Timmy, your corporate slavelord needs him to die in order to increase production, because that’s how Corporations function. There are also alien doggos, which for once, are actually very useful for the pioneer. They will every so often conjure items from the great beyond, which can be items that your factory is lightyears off from producing, such as nukes, heavy cubes, or several entire engine blocks. It is recommended to keep as many as possible contained in a relatively small area to maximize their efficiency, due to you actually knowing where to find them when you have a free moment.

Things to make

The Best Defense is a Good Offense

As a Ficsit pioneer, your main goal is to kill the planet, but in order to do that, you should arm yourself properly.  You start off being armed with a flimsy taser and the build gun, the former being flimsy as described, and the latter being ineffective in combat despite its name. You can craft better weapons the further you get into the game, as could have been expected with “progression.” There are many personal weapons you can craft, such as another flimsy taser, a slightly less flimsy taser stick, a flimsy nerf gun (unless you turn it into a shotgun), pipebombs which are the best of the weapons, the vine boom sound effect, and a literal gun which has useful ammo variants.  Each weapon has several different flavors of murder, for example we have many different kinds of pipebombs, such as the default, mustard gas, cluster charge, and even the worst kind, a nuke.  There is also the yeet flavor but that one actually sucks. Some weapons, such as the pocket taser are used to make even more potent weapons, such as the “Lightsaber” or as it is previously described, the taser stick. And one of the funniest ways to kill something is hitting with the vine boom sound effect so much it causes its ears to bleed and it’s will to live evaporate, you obtain it with company scrip. Aside from genocide machines, you can craft other equipment that either turns you into the flash or a cockroach.

I like to move it move it

For movement tools, we have the highly revered Knife joggers, which make you faster but only 50% of the time. You also gain the abilities of the Portal shoes, namely having less of a chance of fracturing your legs. There is also the zipline, which is not a gun that fires a line to ride across, (that is what the build gun does) but rather allows you to cosplay as electric Spider-Man, barbecuing yourself on the powerlines because you decided to touch it. There is also the paraglided, which is literally just the Zelda equivalent, but is unable to be folded up in 2.5 seconds in midair, but is perfectly able to be underplayed in that time when you reach the ground. It negates fall damage, but the knife joggers already do that and more, so the paraglider has no reason to be used. Then there is the best of all of them, the Jetpack. Using it makes you play a short Flappy bird-like mini game before you equip it, but once you do the power is unrivaled. It eats plastic in addition to the fuel it consumes, just as intended. You may wonder how it burns plastic, and that is because it’s fucking magical or something. The final movement tool is the hover pack, which is only useful for negating fall damage and building a base, which makes it vital to craft as soon as possible, because daddy Ficsit needs its production lines built.

Literally everything else

There is a few items that don’t increase your speed or destructive capabilities, those being for survivability, the object scanner which is just a shitty metal detector that won’t shut up or won’t speak whenever you want it to, Porter, and a chainsaw. Contrary to poplar belief, the chainsaw is not for turning the game into an adaptation of a certain comic book, but instead for gardening because Ficsit is a bitch and won’t let us commit atrocities with it. Porter is basically just a slave who mines for you, and can be upgraded into a full building with some resources. Upgrading him lets you be able to leave him alone, while maintaining sweet, sweet efficiency. For, survivability, there are inhalers which have 12 recipes to craft, half of which require magic mushrooms which are rather unsustainable. The other half require you to go find nut and berry like savage man. As for wearables, there is no armor. You will still die to 10 flying crabs no matter what you craft. Instead, we have a gas mask and radiation suit which use reskinned fuel with different recipes, such as filters and the cooler filters. You can also obtain a coffee cup, or golden coffee cup, proclaiming you are “employee of the planet” because you are the only employee on the planet. They only make people with itchy trigger fingers and people with ADHD happy, otherwise serving no gameplay purpose.

The Factory Must Grow

There are many different buildings that you are able to create, most of which turn one or more useless part(s) into something slightly less primitive. You have the dinky buildings that make up the majority of an early playthrough, the Minecraft furnace, the wizard’s tower, and the twin wizards. The furnace’s function is obvious, and even a sentient monkey could probably understand what it does. The wizards will take some item, and magically transform it for a hefty fee. The twin wizards just ask for two items and combine them. Later on after you begin building the Death Star, you unlock the power of the double Minecraft furnace, which is like the regular Minecraft furnace, but double. It also is just the furnace equivalent of the twin (wizard) towers. You also unlock coal power plants in this same tier, which is an easy way to destroy the ozone layer. After more of the Death Star is completed, you obtain the power of fracking, which requires an entire production line of buildings, and brings on many, many opportunities to make another production line, including having computers as long as you have enough gold to buy them. These allow you to make NFT servers, so you can drop the price of bitcoin drastically, screwing over any would be NFT bros. Or of course, you can become one. After that you unlock the ability to become Oppenheimer, which allows you to make Springfield, Oregon a reality.

Fig 1.1 - A good pioneer’s representation of Springfield, Oregon

Also pipebomb nukes, we can’t forget those. After that, you unlock the majority of the space time manipulation production lines, which is a whole convoluted thing that the author was too busy writing this article to unlock or even understand. Something something time crystals, something something artificial timmothies.

Vehicular Alienslaughter

Why the hell is there a cybertruck on MARS!?!?!?!?

You may be asking this question, and the answer is simple. The pioneer put it there.

There are many forms of vehicular slaughter, or ways to transport items that don’t cost 30 trillion plates, bars, beams or whatever the belts are made of. There is the c u b e which is a very blocky SUV looking like it belongs in Minecraft. It is very unstable and anything stronger than a light wind will tip it over. There is also the Exploder, which can go anywhere, carry anything, and has a time limit of around 10 minutes from the time it is created by the build gun, to the time it explodes. Then there is the u n i t which is just the cooler c u b e. And those are the vehicles that you don’t have to buy using company scrip. There are two that you can buy, with there technically being a third, but it is just a cooler version of another vehicle. There is the factory cart and its golden counterpart, which are the funniest vehicles in the game. If you get enough of them, they can outperform even the mighty u n i t or c u b e because they do not require fuel. Why? Because it’s fucking magical or something. And as teased, the last vehicle is just Elon Musk’s geometry class doodle.

There are other forms of transport, such as trains and drones, but those are not guided by the pioneer and thus deserve their own section, but not another heading because that would be stupid. Trains, are just trains. They are also drivable, but a rail is a bit different from a parkway.

“Choo choo mother****!” - ADA

Need I say much more. Drones are just kinda boring. They fly from one port to another, with the pioneer being unable to ride on them. So they get all of this much talking about them.

What the happ is fuckening

Well, nobody actually knows.  We get airdropped to a planet and have to colonize it.  We are the British, which is why only masochists play this game. We know that many of ficsit’s previous attempts at colonialism failed, as there is piles of metal and resources scattered everywhere. So unlike your progenitors, don’t listen to what the black holes say to you. Or the funny S, no matter how tempting it may be. Also, do not believe their bones are more beautiful than yours. Ficsit pioneers pride themselves in their beautiful bones. Or do listen, they are doctor’s orders.

The effigies and the waves shall reach and consume our shores. Let it be so. Consume.

The melody has been sung. It shall reach many effigies through the windows. Consume.

Strategy Guide

Fig 1.3 - What Ficsit does NOT want you to do

Fig 1.4 - The optimal factory

As much as you may want to make a pile of spaghetti, Ficsit encourages you very gently to not do that and be a “model citizen.” That goes against all that Uncyclopedia stands for, but if you want to suck up to Ficsit, here is how you do it. Efficiency is key to making a good factory, and with it becoming a Mathemagician. You’ll need to do some basic math to increase your efficiency. If this is too much for you, try some 2nd grade math workshits, or use the in-game calculator by searching. Now for the actual setups. You want to be as space-efficient as possible, generally attempting to keep bounding boxes as close as possible while maintaining functionality. Belt/pipe stacking is a very helpful tool to organize everything. Load balancing is the idea of how you are supposed to use conveyor belts to distribute resources to a line of machines, for example you have a line of four wizard towers (constructors). There are two ways to load balance using splitters, either by just running one line and using a splitter at every machine, or using multiple split lines, so that each machine gets an equal proportion. Foundations make a factory 420% better, and are basically foundational to a good factory. Making multiple floors can help to organize the factory. Make sure to not build before you need it, for example, building a giant stretch of platform before you have a factory on it. Making belts with right angles also helps to reduce clutter. Just remember, the nicer a factory looks (at least the operative parts, including non-organizational paintjobs) the better it will run.