Retirement
Retirement is the beginning of a new career after being abolished from another due to advanced age. Those who retire think they are lucky to not have to wake to a sounding alarm every day and dress up and get ready for work. The reality that no retiree expects as they enter retirement is they are about to embark on the hardest work they have ever done in their lives.
The retirement age varies in each country and culture. In many countries, it is 60-something. But if you lived in poverty, it made not be until you are 80-something. And if you play professional sports, it’ll probably be 30-something.
Things you are forced to do in retirement[edit | edit source]
Babysitting[edit | edit source]
“What are grandparents good for?”
Babysitting of your grandchildren is mandatory in retirement. For the mother who has to work, who wants to be lazy, who doesn’t want to watch their own kids, there is an out for it. There is grandma and grandpa. No, you don’t love them. You just see them as free babysitters.
And the grandkids love it! Why? Because grandma and grandpa will buy them lots of toys.
Dressing up[edit | edit source]
When you worked, you could wear whatever you wanted. Work is the most casual, relaxed environment of all. You can wear T-shirts, jeans, hoodies, shorts, even your pajamas. You could wear the same clothes all week and not have to change. You could be as comfortable as you want to be.
Now you are retired and you need real clothes. If you are a man, you will need some suits, ties, polo shirts, and all kinds of clothes to get respect from others now that you are not working. If you are a woman, you will need some blouses, skirts, and dresses.
Playing golf[edit | edit source]
Did you hate gym class in school? Did you hate lifting 75 lb boxes every day at work, one after another after another? Did you hate standing on the subway every day for the 90-minute commute from Brooklyn to Los Angeles? Now it’s time for you to say that was all a piece of cake.
The hardest thing you will have to do that is most taxing on your body is playing golf. Whether you like it or not, golf is mandatory for all retirees. It is required by the rules of your retirement community. Your failure to participate will get you snubbed.
Physical therapy[edit | edit source]
After retirement, you will fall. It’ll happen. You will take a misstep somewhere. You will be in a cast or a boot for six weeks. And after that, you will endure months of physical therapy to regain the ability to walk. Just another way you will work so hard.
Knitting[edit | edit source]
If you are a woman, you will be enslaved to knitting. You will be waking up early in the morning to take a half-hour drive to the senior center, where you will be meeting up with other old ladies and knitting together while gossiping. And you will be knitting 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, to make all those Christmas stockings demanded by everyone you know.