Radio Star

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“Allegedly killed by a video star.”

Radio Star was born in 1934 next to a transistor. The doctor decided "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if there was a music box?" and promptly created the radio, leaving the nurses to cut the umbilical cord. Needless to say, the nurses failed.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Early life[edit | edit source]

Immediately after his birth, the young Radio Star was rushed from the maternity hospital to the BBC's Broadcasting House to begin his destined career, communicating to people by new-fangled Marconi wireless transmission.

Sadly, being a new-born baby, Radio Star was unable to speak and could only make "ga ga" and "goo goo" noises. The audience, including the royal family, had tuned in specially for this inaugural broadcast and were very disappointed. The Queen complained "All we hear is Radio Ga Ga, Radio Goo Goo, Radio Ga Ga." When news of this this made the baby cry, the Queen relented and added, "Radio, someone still loves you."

Stardom[edit | edit source]

A photo of Radio Star in 1952 during a recording session

With royal backing from the Queen, Radio Star continued his broadcasting career on the Home Service. Once he'd finally learnt how to talk, he achieved so much popularity that the wireless was now nicknamed "the radio" in his honour.

During World War II, Star was hired by the government to make propaganda broadcasts keeping the British people's morale up. He was even mad a Lord, with the title Lord Haw-Haw, in recognition of his services. Unfortunately, it was later discovered that a mix-up in the BBC's script department had led to him being given the pro-Nazi propaganda scripts by mistake.

After the war, Star was one of the first BBC broadcasters to see the potential of the new rock and roll craze. He moved out of talk radio and became the BBC's first Discjockey. He also became the BBC's first broadcaster not to wear a dinner jacket and bow tie, which shocked the establishment and very nearly cost him his job. He defend his violation of the BBC's strict dress-code by saying, "Why should I wear a DJ, when I am a DJ?"

This just boosted Star's popularity with his audience. He began recorded his own records as well as playing other people's, and head several number one hits. However, his attempt to move into a film career was less successful, with just a small part in an unsuccessful B-movie.

Mid-Life Crisis[edit | edit source]

The disastrous attempt at acting had a knock-on effect for Star's singing and broadcasting career. By the early sixties, the public were no longer interested. Soon after he stopped producing hits, he descended into drugs, alcohol, and sarcasm.

Even his son disowned him by changing his name from Ringo Star to Ringo Starr, for fear that the family connection with a washed-up old has-been would harm the Beatles' rising fame. (The rest of the Beatles were more worried that association with Ringo would harm their rising fame, no matter who his family was!)

Meanwhile, Radio Star was often seen standing outside Elstree film studios, which he believed was the cause of all his problems, shouting "Elstree, remember me? I had a part in a B movie, I played a man from history!"

Eventually, Star returned to his roots at talk radio, where his sarcasm addiction could be put to good use. A role on the BBC's radio soap The Bowmans promised much but he was soon sacked, along with the rest of the cast, and replaced by Tony Hancock. Refusing to be put off, he became an announcer on comedy programmes such as Beyond our Horne. From there he slowly worked his way back up the ranks and eventually become the presenter of the BBC's top radio programme, the Shipping Forecast.

Assassination (not murder)[edit | edit source]

Blurry photographic evidence of Radio Star with Video Star before the killing

His success on the Shipping Forecast meant that Radio Star received many honours. On one occasion he was asked by the island of Dogger Fisher German Bight to be invested as their Honorary Sheriff.

Sadly, this was to prove fatal. Star had already began to attract enemies jealous of his return to fame. Even his own family could harbour grudges against him, especially since Ringo was now reduced to narrating stories about steam engines. Ringo's son, Video Star, vowed to kill avenge his father's humiliation by killing Radio Star.

On the day of Radio's investiture ceremony, Video stowed away on the Channel Light Vessel Automatic and arrived at Dogger Fisher German Bight just as the Mayor, Shannon Rockall, was pronouncing that Radio was the new Honorary Sheriff. It was August 1st 1981 as Video pulled out a gun that he'd brought with him, and fired. And it all was broadcast over MTV.

In court, Video confessed all, and explained, "I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy." However, as the prosecution pointed out there was no deputy, this didn't do his defence any good.