National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum

The National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum is a museum located in Cooperstown, New York, (but also the imagination of Ted from Chicago) founded in 1939 by Jane Clark's grandpappy. It is the most important collection of baseball history and information in the United States, honoring former players, executives, memorabilia, hecklers, and the Get Ya Hot Dog guy. The Hall's motto is "Please do not swing the bat in the store!" unofficially, and officially, it is "No, I cannot comment on Pete Rose."

The National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum

The Hall of Fame's locale, Cooperstown, is also known as Place Really Engaged to Enter New Times in Other Universal Sports; to avoid confusion, locals use the anagram "PRETENTIOUS" to describe the general area.

The Hall of Fame was founded by Stephen Clark, who got rich from the sewing machine. Desiring to sew the fabric of time and space, he founded the Baseball Hall to bring prosperity to Cooperstown, which was decimated by the Great Depression and Abolition removing any semblance of industry. Unfortunately, this semblance has yet to return, but the region experiences an annual exodus of Leanne and Ashley from Charleston, South Carolina, sincerely believing that their Brayden will become the next Bryce Harper.

Everyone (no, everyone) knows that Abner Doubleday actually founded the Baseball Hall of Fame. Doubleday returned to the area after the Civil War when he invented Baseball as a defensive maneuver against Ulysses S. Grant entering his quarters for happy time, which is a synonym for rimming. If you enter the graveyard behind the Hall of Fame, legend tells that Abner will appear before you between 12 and 1 in the morning. He will look you up and down, circle you, and then cry.

The current chairman, a woman, is Jane Forbes Clark, and the current president is Josh Rawitch (since 2021). Jane enjoys long walks on the beach, Wegman's Chili con Carne, and her dog.

Inductees

Induction to the Hall of Fame is considered to be one of the most prestigious honors bestowed upon a member of the Baseball community, second only to being beat by the 2024 Chicago White Sox.

Yogi Berra c. 1959

To be inducted into the Hall of Fame, players have to overcome a set of seven strictly enforced hurdles:

1. Am I a good person?
2. How many Big Long Balls did I hit?
3. Has Keith Hernandez given me a bump?
4. Ability to complete a 9-9-9-9 challenge (9 dogs, 9 beers, 9 innings, 9 arrests)
5. At least two children to harass Museum Store Staff
6. Attendance of Dreamspark, an essential component of creating a hardened, whiny soul
7. Will my face look good on a plaque, or will I change races and or/species? (Babe Ruth)

In addition, strict eligibility requirements have to be met. The only player in recorded history to have done so is Bobby Bonilla. Bobby Bonilla is not inducted into the Hall of Fame, however, though he petitions annually with his money earned from the New York Mets. Every single petition has failed. Current inductees into the Baseball Hall of Fame were not in recorded history, either – they were taped.

The Inductees for the 2025 season were Billy Wagner, Ichiro Suzuki (also known as Ichiriro, Eye-Cheye-Roh, and "the japanese one"), CC Sabathia, and Dick Allen. Dave Parker was also inducted, but he was too busy boppin' with his boys to attend. Also, he's dead. An honorary mention is Wade Boggs, who made a point for himself to consume the most amount of alcohol by any attendee of the Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Weekend 2025. During the parade, he did a keg stand with the ghost of Ozzie Smith.

Mariano Rivera is the only person to be unanimously inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. In 2020, Jeter tried to get inducted, but his wife said no. He was instead inducted in 2021.

The museum (derogatory)

The museum is comprised of three floors. Each floor has its own theme, and aura, which must never be contested. Nearby Doubleday Field serves as the meeting point for all guests before they enter the museum; guests must first complete a number of Rugby-based trivia questions in order to gain access to the museum grounds. Then, a member of Visitor Services will loudly ask them if they like Piggly Wiggly, of which there are none in the Cooperstown area, and then direct them to the correct ticket desk with "chugga chugga choo choo" noises in order to soothe any unease after being interrogated about a dilapidated grocery store.

The first floor

This floor contains the main attraction, the plaque gallery. Who cares about dumb history anyways? Not me! Once you steam past the art gallery (art is also dumb), you enter the plaque gallery. You must touch every single plaque. This is a requirement, and you must also rub their noses really hard. It is rumored that rubbing the nose of Cumberland Willis "Cum" Posey Jr. increases mystic fertile energy. Similarly, rubbing the nose of Edgar Martinez will enable you to defecate immediately and violently on command. Rubbing the nose of Kenneth Griffey Jr. does nothing, but he says it really tickles.

To the right of the plaque gallery is a ramp leading to the Bookstore. Nobody must disturb the bookstore, for a troll will come out and exclaim "1941! What a year!" You are to ignore the troll, for he does not do well with smiling. This are also contains a viewing of Abbott and Costello's famous "Who's on First?" sketch. It is recommended that you press the button to view it once to watch it and once so that others can watch it once you leave.

The second floor

The second floor contains mainly the Grandstand Theater, which plays a short, 17-minute film called Generations of the Game. This film gets generous ratings on Letterboxd, primarily by dads who cried. Upon exit, the museum immediately greets you with really old artifacts that smell. They have a couple of totally destroyed baseballs, complete with pictures of old people who look like they smell. The most interesting section is A Whole New Ballgame, where you enter the artifacts of people you actually know, like Aaron Judge and Roberto Clemente. This section of the museum is interesting because it's easy to understand and even your wife can recognize some things, like the Chicago Cubs' 2016 win, and Tony Gwynn's inflated ass.

The third floor

Japanese baseball and bobbleheads.

Notable events

1955 World Brick Hunt (ongoing)

The most notable event in museum history was when, in 1955, every brick was carefully misplaced. This began a three-year-long session of the now-infamous game "Where in the world is The Hall of Fame?" Although several bricks remain to be found, as of 2025 more than thirteen thousand bricks have been recovered by fans and employees alike. Notable locations of bricks include the Great Wall of China, underneath a small stone in Leitrim, Ireland, the bottom of Lake Baikal (recovered in 1968 by Soviet fishermen), a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Idaho, and your mom's downstairs bathroom. Large bricks, not of clay origin, are routinely discovered in holes dug on the grounds of the Hall of Fame by lazy campers with nothing else to do.

2008 induction ceremony

During the induction of Rich "Goose" Gossage, a swarm of ducks attacked the stage, showing their disdain that a goose was being inducted into the Hall of Fame. This was understood to be a misunderstanding in the avian world, as Goose Gossage is in fact not a duck. (He's a turkey.)

The Bird Incident of 1987

During the 1977 regular season, The Oriole Bird made a visit to the town of Cooperstown, where he was found streaking on Lake Street, much to the horror of local residents. It was discovered during testing that The Oriole Bird had consumed near-lethal amounts of unmentioned substance, to which The Oriole Bird replied in an official statement: "I deny any allegations of wrongdoing. This is a setup. The Pirate Parrot made me do it. He's mad about it."

When asked for clarification on what "it" was, The Oriole Bird simply flew off – an impressive feat for what is really just a college kid in a suit. During an internal investigation into the conduct of the Pittsburgh Pirates mascot The Pirate Parrot, he responded with a single word: "Caw." The investigation was ultimately closed, and The Oriole Bird cautioned, with no charges pressed by the Hall for "ruining the atmosphere".