My ingenious plan to attack Obama with non-lethal weapons

We've all heard the talk. Obama will bring much-needed change to America. But do we really NEED that change? Or is this just another political scheme to allow Oprah to take over the world? My answer is: YES. This is indeed another scheme to allow Oprah to take over the world. So what do I propose? I say we attack this madman with non-lethal weapons!!! The whole world will laugh. They'll laugh at Obama. And they'll laugh at us. They'll laugh at us.

The Water Balloons

Lolz! A water balloon!

For Phase One, we recruit a commando. Not just any normal person wearing no underpants, this commando must be sly, stealthy, and exceedingly handsome. Yes, comrades, I am indeed talking about her. Yes, we must incorporate Hilary Clinton into this, for political reasons. Anyway, as I was saying, this commando must sneak undetected into the local Obama rally. They will do so holding an Obama bag full of water balloons. On the signal, the commando will hurl the water balloons at Obama, perhaps causing him to fall off the podium and break something.

The Potato Cannon

Meanwhile, another commando, perhaps a man with experience with artillery, will set up a large potato cannon on a hill nearby. If there are no hills, then we will ask the target to change the amount of hills near the rally. When Phase One begins, the artillery specialist will begin to fire large quantities of potatoes at Obama, into the crowd, or toward the local KKK members. It doesn't matter. Some might even want to eat the potatoes. Anyone know cool potato recipes?

The Marshmallow Guns

Immediately after Phase One begins, our private helicopter will swoop in over the rally, and approximately 15 commandos will exit the aircraft and proceed to pelt Obama with several metric tons of freshly toasted marshmallows and John McCain buttons. If, at any point, Obama begins eating the marshmallows, the sheer quantity of them will force him to gain between 2 and 239857 pounds in the space of 4 seconds, thus making him incapable of speech.

The Taser

That's right, bro, we're going to tase him. Nothing says a brighter future for America like ten thousand volts of electricity sent through two small metal prongs released at the push of a button. No non-lethal attack would be complete without one.

The Recently-Castrated Sheep

The recently-castrated sheep will be sent in right as Phase One is starting. The sole purpose of these things is to make sure the Secret Service doesn't shoot anyone involved with the water-ballooning, potatoing, marshmallowing, and tasering. No, this doesn't mean I care about you. I just don't wanna find OTHER people willing to blow themselves up. Why recently castrated, you ask? Think about how you would feel if you were recently castrated. Yuh-huh. I'd be pretty pissed off too.

The Escape

You're all on your own here. We only have enough dough to rent the helicopter for 3 minutes, so it can't take us away. Just run in zig-zaggy lines.

The result

In the end, after the police chase us with helicopters and dogs and fat, doughnut-eating people, and after we get out of prison, we will appear on CNN. Once on CNN, we'll tell everybody that we support Ralph Nader. Both McCain and Obama's ratings will go UP. This is bulletproof!