Missions to the Moon

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Saturn IV Rocket

Mankind has set foot on the The Moon on several occasions since the mid 20th century, claiming the feat as a monument to human achievement. However, it is a documented fact, cited most popularly in the Mother Goose (the best album of the Beatles), a cow jumped over the moon in 1789. It was one giant leap for cow-kind.

Apollo Program[edit | edit source]

In the 60s, JFK made a famous speech to the World. Later, after eating some badly tainted Pastrami, he dreamt up an idea to keep people from noticing his assassination. He would invent the Saturn Rocket and send men to the moon. After that, a series of moonshots were initiated. Highlights of the moon shots:

The Lunar Lander at Tranquility Base (after foil removed because the astronauts thought it made the ship look cheesy)
  • Apollo 0: Held up world. This mission was so successful, that the proceeds were used to finance the next six moon missions.
  • Apollo 0.5: Successfully completed their mission to go halfway to the moon and return.
  • Apollo 1: A dog called Laika and a chimpanzee named Herman are sent to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine to spy on the Federation, a rival cold war enemy who also planned their own moon program.
  • Apollo 2: Canceled due to low ratings of Apollo 0.5 and Apollo 1.
  • Apollo 3&4: Canceled, after the media televised pictures of the "astronauts' moons".
  • Apollo 11: Fire claimed the lives of ten of the astronauts. This was, of course, faked.
  • Apollo 13: Mission that famously launched on Friday 13 at 1313 hours with 13 crew members, a black cat and a broken mirror onboard. At the moment of takeoff, it was cancelled due to strong winds.
  • Apollo 19: Missed the moon by about 310 meters.
  • Apollo 20: Missed the moon by only 28 meters.
  • Apollo 21: Finally hit the moon, but the landing gear failed to work on the Green Cheese surface, slid off into space.
  • Apollo 27: Improved landing gear allowed first astronauts (Louis Armstrong, Buzz Lightyear and Michael Jackson) to get out and have a picnic. Louis Armstrong recites the now-famous phrase: "That's one small step for man... I mean, a man... aw, crapstick!"

The Apollo program was terminated in 1983 by Ronald Reagan due to a conflict of interest with Kraft Cheese, a big campaign sponsor in the Presidential Election of 1922.

David Fenwick first landed his cardboard box on the moon in 1992. The mission was a success but on re-entry to earth he got caught in some turbulence and burned up. Luckily his burning body, while still alive, bounced of an airbed and landed outside the University of Kentuckistan. The only side effect from his 2 mile fall was a case of amnesia. Out of sympathy, the university adopted him as their mascot (a giant squid thing) and had him dancing up and down the football pitches in costume. Meanwhile, NASA discovered the black box from David’s mission and had recovered valuable data. For example, David discovered a latex substance shaped, for some inexplicable reason, in the form of a man's penis. Further tests carried out on the substance showed that it was a brilliant form of contraception. Dr. Robert Neville of Mission Control Madagascar said, "David's unfortunate crash may have caused loss of memory, but he has saved us all from AIDS." NASA says that they are trying to regenerate David's brain so he can tell them about his mission. They said it will be a long shot but it could work.

Vikings[edit | edit source]

The Vikings also went to the moon in the 12th century.

Viking Astronaut Neil Eriksson

Little is known of the technology used, but it is said that solid fuel boosters and trilithium traces were discovered in Viking graves in Iceland.

Soviet Space Program[edit | edit source]

In 1967, Soviet Leader Ivan The Terrible initiated the Soviet moon shot program. The hastily adapted Space Shuttle was used as a delivery device but unfortunately they were only able to put mice on the moon. (Trivia: This was the inspiration of the famous novel "Of Mice and Men"--chronicling the battle of American Astronauts and Soviet Taikonauts [Taiko is "mouse" in Russian]). Lance Armstrong was the hero of this conflict and singlehandedly destroyed 20 Russian Taikonauts with a single blast of his bicycle bell.

See Also[edit | edit source]