Minneapolis, Minnesota

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Minneapolis was originally founded by refugees fleeing from the smoking wreckage of post-nuclear St. Paul in the late 1700s. The survivors set up camp along the side of the Mississippi River with the intent of just spending the night, but after half of the radiation-burned survivors died from cannibalism-related complications, STDs, and being mauled by feral guinea pigs, the group decided to make their base camp a permanent settlement.

The very first building in Minneapolis was the Foshay Tower, and for centuries (until about 1907), all of Minneapolis' residents lived in that one tower. The lovely, climate-controlled Foshay building provided beautiful views of the frozen Minnesota territory tundra during the winter months, and protected their men from being raped by the hordes of mutant gay cannibals that made their way across the river from St. Paul during the warmer months.

Eventually, St. Paul stopped glowing, and real human beings began making an appearance in the city. As the threat of being eaten and raped by St. Paulites dwindled, Minneapolitans began taking the first tentative steps outside of the Foshay Tower and built the first single-family homes around its base.

Minneapolis is located in the Twin Cities metropolitan area, which is named after a baseball team. That team, ironically, is not the Minnesota Twins, but the Kansas City Royals. This has caused some animosity between Minnesota and Missouri, and led to a brief and violent nuclear war in the late afternoon on June 23rd, 1986. By incredible chance, only one person was hurt during the war, who was hospitalized for a month due to a severely bruised ego (and testical, but wether it was the right or left is a fact lost to history). After his recovery, he hit the talk show circuit, and later landed the role as that guy in that movie. He has been acting ever since, has converted to Scientology 11 times, and reportedly enjoys painting and collecting photons.

Famous Minneapolitans[edit | edit source]

  • The Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly known as the Symbol Formerly Known as Princess.
  • Garrison Keillor, known heretofore as the Exhaulted Grand Poobah of the Sons of the Daughters of hemaphroditic children of Norway.
  • Hubert Horatio Humphrey vice president of the United States better known by his ring name Triple H
  • Paul Bunyon
  • Spearmint Gum
  • Dr. Sphincter
  • Cthulhu's Spawn's spawn's spawn's spawn's spawn's spawn's spawn's spawn's spawn, Cthulha, the first female Cthulite to eat 10 humans at once
  • Queen Elizabeth I The proud owner of a beautiful house-barn in North Minneapolis A.K.A. the Minneapolitan ghetto, the ghetto of Minneapolis, The Land of 10,000 Gangs (which are mostly fake gangs consisting of loser high school dropouts that smoke weed and spraypaint on abandoned boxcars)which, North Side...of Minneapolis, and so on.
  • Anton Kissbougel, while it hasn't been confirmed some circles claim that the famous nutritional exercisologist has strong intestinal ties to the city. "You are what your ancestors ate."

Fast Facts[edit | edit source]

Somali section of Minneapolis
  • No other city have thrice hosted the Vegetable and Fruit Special Olympics, in the same year.
  • Minneapolis is the only city in Minnesota that is the largest.
  • Its favorite color is purplish, but it also likes skiing.
  • The capital of Germany is not in Minneapolis.
  • Neither is China.
  • Almost changed it's name to "Lameville".
  • Has the most Somalis and other Africans in any major city in America (not black people, AFRICANS).
  • Cold as fucking hell.
  • All the best hip-hop comes from Minneapolis. Not LA. Not NY. Minne-fucking-apolis.
  • But their Punk Rock scene is even better.
  • Minneapolis is home to Central Avenue, one of the few streets named in honor of America's 18½th president.
  • Often times, a panorama shot of Minneapolis is lightly photoshopped and then sold as shots of New York City. (Sometimes Detroit)
  • Bridge inspectors take credit cards and occasionally Mall of America gift certificates.
  • The famous northern neighborhood has at least five different names. The names include North Minneapolis, Land of 10,000 Gangs, and I forget the rest of the names. If only they had been written down somewhere...
  • Yeah, we're progressive up here. Sure. If your idea of progressive is 20 square miles of Keith Ellison... surrounded by 200 square miles of Michele Bachmann! Now Amber... go get my smokes!
  • Minneapolis itself is also known by many names, including Minneapolis, The Fruity's Patooty (don't ask, don't tell), Land of 10,000 Gangs, Princeapolis (by non-Minneapolitans who don't understand that he may be from here, but that doesn't mean we like him), etc.
  • While sad, its bridges really suck especially in August of 2007.
"Crack Stacks" - Apartments built in the early 1970's by an East German refuge. Once the 90's ended and ugly became out of style, he was properly executed.

See Also[edit | edit source]