Mike Read

This article may be Overly British

Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

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Michael Jean Michelle Jarre Mega Drive "Smokes Weed" Read (born 1 March 1782, Manchester, Lancashire) is a fictional character created by Chris Morris to entertain the Guardian-reading masses in a rainy week one July. Mike loves to blog about his plans for London. No animals were harmed in the making of Mike Read (well, maybe one or two).

Remember - Mike Read, much like Jesus, loves each and every one of you.

“Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible.”

~ Mike Read on solutions for tomorrow

“I can't believe he wrote that fucking musical. It was just pub talk! It doesn't count! Now what am I going to do?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Read's rather short-lived "Wilde" musical

“It's hard to feel anything other than incredulous contempt.”

~ The Telegraph on the above musical

Career

Mike Read is the name of an entity tasked solely with supporting the world's second most sentient haircut (the most sentient being that belonging to Brian Laudrup, the footballer and former stylist/stunt double for John Edwards). He once pretended to be a DJ for a short period in the 1980's, but discovered that it was not feasible.

Mike's new career involves stirring up Guardian readers into a frenzy with his online stories about London, home of Pat Butcher, miscreants, tubes and crime. He feels the Thames river is sorely neglected, and advocates subterranean vehicle activity.

Breath

Mike Read's breath is known to be delicious, scented as it is with the evocative jasmine musk of a thousand virgins.

Also, curiously, his breath smells faintly of Cliff Richard.

Frinton

Frinton-on-Sea is the home of Mike Read, Tony Nicholas (King Mushroom), anachronisms and staunch conservatism. They do not like chip shops, nor do they like houses of a public nature. Frinton is the home of BigL radio, broadcasting powerhouse and the fastest growing radio station to be broadcast out of a tiny town at the arse-end of Essex. Competitions and features on BigL include frenzied and baseless attacks on ethnic minorities, reminiscing about the "good old days" of Thatcherism, thinking about new uses for the Thames and planning ways to keep miscreants underground, usually with the help of the police.

After years of fighting Frinton finally got it's first chip shop about 14 years ago, This chip shop is owned by a lady called Teresa and is managed by a man called Richard (who hasn't got any hair) who is assisted by Mike, this dream team can cook up a storm leaving Mike to clean up the mess, Richard and Mike are helped along by another member of staff (name unknown) who appears to take large amounts of abuse from the manager particularly when he expresses his talented skill of keeping children happy by drawing smiley faces on the packets of chips.

What makes Frinton so different? That would be the gates which split the town in half all the upper class people live inside and all the scum live outside. Rumours exist about a secret weapon hidden in the gates which zap anyone who attempts to go through without at least £10,000 in the bank, sources from within the Frinton Residents Association (also known as the Frinton Residents Army) deny the existence of such a weapon and have said that if such a weapon existed they would set it at £1,000,000

Frinton is the only place where people get away with charging £35,000 for a garden shed with a sea view renamed as a beach hut or refereed to by the younger generation as 'Fire wood'

It is not known whether there are any immigrants in Frinton, as they are tarred and feathered on sight. This tends to make them stay indoors somewhat, further validating the theory of miscreant-sealing.

Urban Transportation Specialist

Mike is an urban transportation specialist, blending his expertise in popular culture with his uncanny ability to put forward innovative solutions following discussion with major developers.

For instance, inspired by The Jam’s "Going Underground", Mike has produced an entirely feasible blueprint for not only putting all of London’s car parking underground but diverting the River Thames into London’s tube system, thereby recycling previously wasted space occupied by an underused waterway enabling the reinstating of 3,587,481 playing fields, which Read says “went under Labour”.

He is currently working on a safe method of transporting nurses, theatregoers, tourists home late at night. This has been inspired by his life long devotion to "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Cricklewood

Posthumous Collaborations

Mike is currently testing the feasibility of a new art form, the posthumous collaboration, working with many literary greats including Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth. Here's an example - this is a sample of a collaboration with Dylan Thomas

Under Mike Wood

To begin at the beginning: It is spring, moonless night in London town, starless and bible-black, the bendy buses silent and underground, sealed miscreants and paedos were limping invisible down to the sloeblack, slow, black, crowblack, fishingboat-bobbing Thames. The voters are blind as moles (they cannot see the improved, alternating traffic light filtering) or blind as Captain Ken there, skull bored by the Olympics in City Hall, the shops are selling merchandising, though the playing fields are in weeds. And all the people of the lulled and dumbfound town are sleeping now. Relax, the nurses, theatregoers, tourists are sleeping as they travel late home, home on the Tube, safely guarded by policemen on every entrance and exit…etc

More samples please...

The Thames

Mike Read is keen to see new uses made of the River Thames (London, England).

Not Standing for Mayor triggers waves of people also not standing for Mayor

Since Mike Read announced he was not standing for the London Mayoral situation, an estimated 59,500,402 other British citizens have also decided to not stand.

Mike Read's 'MyCreed' Feasible Manifesto

Despite not running, Mike Read used the Guardian website to announce his manifesto for London.

Manifesto of the Mike for Mayor Campaign!

1. Reverse current government policy of allowing rapists, murderers and paedophiles to roam the streets of London.
2. Get 'in there' with the crews, get them dancing, singing and integrating.
3. Seal miscreants into every tube station.
4. Keep the tube open til 2am, at least on weekends, but only for nurses, theatregoers and tourists.
5. Scrap bendy buses, regardless of advice from TFL.
6. Increase road congestion by scrapping the Congestion Charge and letting cars onto bus lanes.
7. Monitor bus lanes, in case they do something.
8. Turn underground stations into carparks.
9. Put 'all' car parking underground!
10. Talk to developers, see if it's feasible.
11. Put 30,000 playing fields underground, but only after talking to the FA.
12. Start selling souvenirs.
13. Train traffic wardens to not give tickets.
14. Raise the profile of London.
15. Launch Mike's 'ready to go' website.
16. Help Boris run for mayor.
17. Teams of vandals must set about parking meters to ensure free parking for all cars unable to find an underground spot.
18. Monthly lottery for all those using electric cars in the capital

Mike Read inspires new religion: Feasibology

One of the first sermons:

The LORD said unto Mik'read, "Write!" And he answered "What shall I write?" And the LORD said unto him,

"Get thee a sheet of azure Parchment, two Cubits square, and write upon it a Message. Let this Message be one of peace, and one that containeth many Wonders. Be thou the Harbinger of my True Servant, and write namely this:

"Write of the Heavens, in which thou shalt hoist thy Pennant, and erect Booths wherein thou mayest sell such Banners both unto thy Neighbours and to Sojourners for a reasonable fee.

"Write of the Earth, whereupon thou shalt bring Order and Prosperity by these well-considered Erections. Here shalt thou also bring under thy Yoke the Bands of Heathens, which shall be Crews unto thee all thy Days. Distrust thou thine Enemy's Chariots, and particularly those which may articulate and twist themselves, for they are naughty; but reward thou their Bondsmen and Handmaids, that they may also in their Time reward thee and thine.

"Write of the Waters, whereof thou are to make much Use. Seek thou out new Paths amongst the Creatures of the Deeps, but do thou this but briefly.

"Write of the Depths of the Earth, and do thou diligently explore the Feasibility of them. Drive thine Enemy's Chariots into the Caves, and build thou there Dwellings and Mansions for all them that are friendly unto thee. I shall send my Servant from the North to aid thee, and he shall be called Ma-cal-pine.

"Write of thyself: and do not bore holes into thy skull when thou thinkest upon the great Sports of many Nations, for then thou shouldest not shew my people the Way. Take thou great Pains of thine Appearance, and dress thine Hair as I direct thee, lest thou suffer the Fate of Elijah my Prophet at the hands of the little Children. [Translators' Note: see II Kings Chapter 2, 23-24]. If they do do unto thee what they did to unto him, do thou likewise unto them what he did do unto them.

"If thou followest my Commandments, thou shalt prepare my People for their Saviour, thou shalt bring an End to the Reign of Redkenliv-ing-ston, who is an Abomination in my Sight and a Consorter with Salamanders, and thou shalt dwell in my Courts in an advisory Capacity all the Days of thy Life."

And Mik'read did as the LORD commanded him, and the people reviled him and hearkened not unto his words. And he did retreat unto an Hut on the Shores of the Sea and became an Hermit. And many Times did Travellers in those Days pass by his Hut, and hear issuing thence strange Sounds and mighty Noises, as of the rushing of many Winds. But they did not care for these, nor for the Words wherewith Mik'read did accompany these Emissions. And they did flee as from before a giant Cliff [Translators' Note: this is unclear in the original]. And Mik'read did end his Days in Dishonour and Poverty, because he did not dress his Hair as the LORD commanded.

In support of his campaign "I'm bumming boris" he plans to release a re-working of the Tom Jones hit, 'It's not Unfeasible'.

Mike Read's Top 40 Ten Commandments

This week's new number 40: "Thou shalt speaketh thrice times at a gathering of they that be calledeth 'Conservatives', and thou shalt be encouraged by thy who are both political and influentialeth."

A new entry at 39: "Thou shalt not boardeth the bus that is called bendy.It is an abomination of the Kennites.Selah"

Down two at 38: "Thou shalt park on the double line that is called yellow or any place thou pleaseth.Selah"

Up two to number 37: "Egress from the pit called Tube shall be barred to the Hoodite,the Muggerite and the Ethnicite.For they are a stiff-necked people who were casteth into the pit for a reason.Selah."

Up five to 36: "Thou shalt suffer the little children to danceth and singeth and perhaps knocketh out a novel or two like unto the J.K. that is called Rowling who liveth amongst the shekels as unto the honey bee that liveth amongst the flowers.Selah."

Non mover at 35: "Thou Shalt not Kill, for this is to be persistently anti-social in My sight."

Still at 34: "Thou shalt advance thy chariot even unto the lane that is called Bus, there to thwart the sowers of confusion and uncertainty."

At number 33 it's: "Thou shalt not fritter thy cranial riches on trivialities, lest disturbed in their Great Seriousness are the prophets of the Comment that is Free."

New entry at 32: "Thou shalt filter alternately, for to counter the tamperings of the Great Newt."

Up two to 31: "Thou shallt not miscreate while underground"

Down five this week, at 30 it's: "The Lordeth Miketh Readeth (peaceth be upon Cliffeth) shalt regularly writeth twaddleth for it giveth thine people no end of funeth to taketh the pitheth out of thee."

up two at 29: "Honour not the laws of relativity, but collaborate with thine ancestors"

In at number 28: "Thou shalt travel by cab that hath the colour of night, except for those that carryeth the colours of sponsors, and that doth park in the bowels of the earth (for it is feasible) and thou shalt agree with every utterance that proceedeth from the mouth of the LORD your driver."

Still at number 27: Thou shalt not refrain from vandalising parking meters so that thee shall not have to paye for the parking of your chariots and donkeys."

Up three at number 26: "Cliff art thou, but I shall call the Peter for thou art the soft rock on which I shall build my church"

Down ten, at number 25: "Thou shalt not suffer an Bus to bend, for verily the LORD saith that the decks of an Bus shall be double, even as the wings of the penguin"

At number 24: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbouring street's parking warden."

A non mover again, at number 23: "Thou shall spake thrice times at the conference of those called Conservatives"

Down 1 this week, at number 22: "All those that take unto themselves an electrical carriage, they shall be entered into the kingdom of raffle"

New entry at 21: "Thou shalt smite with great vengeance the Mike that is called McLeod, for verily he dwells as an impostor in the domain of our Lord."

Number 20, straight in, it's: "Thou shalt not name names, thou shalt refereth only to 'influential political figures', 'professional footballers' and 'wealthy private concerns.' For it doth impress the proles, and they shalt elect thee joyously."

A non mover at number 19: "Thou shalt not stint to Get In There, verily until the barbarian hordes shall be integrated."

Down from number 11 this week, number 18: "Neither shall ye play that track that by the Francis blasphemers that is called 'When Two Krews Goeth Unto War' lest it encourageth them away from the righteous paths of understanding their problems and preventeth them from accessing sporting facilities and the chance to maketh music, act, dance and write."

Up four places to number 17: "Thou shalt not covet Sarah Greene's husband"

This week's number 16: "Thou shalt not playeth the track that is called "Relaxeth" by the blasphemers Francis Goeth To The Place That Is Called Hollywood.Heed this lest thine life become as gall and wormwood,yea,verily,even unto tasting like the Bull that is called Red.Selah"

And a fast riser at number 15: "Thou shalt get thy crew to express themselves through the medium of music (unless they want to sing about that nasty gay sex stuff)"

A non-mover at 14: "Those that the Lord hath taken unto himself, in his wisdom, shalt be not dismissed from thy hearts. Rather thou shalt make collaboration unto them, for thine is the royalties, for ever and ever, amen."

Straight in at Number 13 - "Thou shalt have no blueprints but my blueprint, which is set up and ready to go. Nor shall thee bow down and worship false blueprints lest ye suffer the wrath of Boris"

And a brand new number 12 this week, moving up one place, it's: "Honour thy Traffic Warden for thou shalt reap reward"

Down from 10 to 11 this week: "If thou is thy Warden of Traffic, thou shalt be taught Common Sense."

Number 10, up from number 11: "Thou shalt build underground, for that is feasible"

In at number 9: "Thou shalt have no other crews but mine"

Number 8, down from number 5: "Thou shalt find no place for murderers, rapists, paedophiles and ageing DJs"

Number 7 down from 2: "Thou shalt not take unto thine self an head covering of small beasts alike unto the fretful Chinchilla.This also is an abomination.Selah"

In at 6: "Thou shalt travel only sideways on the buses, yea as the crab that doth ply the banks of the Thames."

Number 5, up from 7: "Thou shalt not be bored out of thy skull."

It's a non-mover at Number 4: "Thou shalt not bear false traffic light phasing"

Straight in at number 3: "Thou shalt support Boris in any way necessary."

After four weeks at the top, down to number 2: "Thou shalt seal to the miscreants all form of exit."

New entry at number 1, "Thou shalt not take the shekels of the charioteer who driveth his vehicle even unto the Centre of the City, for verily this is the Gestion Charge that is called 'Con'"

Thanks to whathavetheydone for the compilation

Personal Life

Mike Read is married, apparently, to Blue Tulip Rose Read. He is also, even more curiously (but perfectly feasibly) a confirmed bachelor. Read also breeds prize-winning Chinchillas for Richard Gere.The coats of these fretful beasts are much in demand amongst the tonsorial engineering profession. It is not known whether he fucks morons, but he certainly attracts them.

References and Pop-culture Phenomena

• Original Manifesto Page, Guardian Newspaper
• "DJ Read steps up Tory mayor bid" - BBC News