Meet the Candidates '08

Welcome to Meet the Candidates '08; your chance to hear stilted speeches, uncomfortable dialogue, and attempted character assasination from the candidates for the 2008 US Presidential election.

Johnny McCain, (R) Age: "Elebinteen" Favorite color: Red, white and blue "The experienced maverick POW for straight talk about changing the same" Johnny learned to be a maverick after he was captured during a game of war out by the teeter-totters with the other kids from his class. While spending time as a POW in the monkey bars with the kid with the drippy eye, he earned the experience that he needed to be a maverick. Also, he drives a whole bus all by himself with no help from anyone!

Without this one small chance to meet the candidates you would go on to not cast your ballot on election day in complete and total ignorance of the candidates that you didn't bother to get up off the couch to vote for.

Here, we ask the candidates and their running-mates from both the Republican and Democratic Party the questions that you would ask them yourself if you were here. Three of them are boys. The fourth is a girl. Do not put gum in her hair, push her down on the playground, or moosh up her sandwich during recess. She's a biter.

What is your stance on candy?

Johnny: I like candy!

Barry: I, too, like candy! America...<pause for jingoistic applause>...stands as a beacon of hope. A hope for candy.

Johnny: What my esteemed opponent fails to understand is that his enjoyment of candy pales in comparison to the joy that candy brings me.

Joey: If there is one thing that I like, it is and will continue to be, candy. I have the foreign policy experience necessary to like a wide range of candy. Especially gummi-bears, which are awesome.

Sarah: I, too, also like gummi-bears. In my role as Governor of the great state of Alaska...<pause for jingoistic applause>...I fought to keep them off the endangered candies list. While I was the mayor of Wasilla...<pause for a smattering of tepid applause>...I liked to shoot them from planes. Then, as all red-blooded Americans in the Heartland of America do, I eated 'em. I did! Sometimes, I bited off their heads first. Other times, I nibbled off their ears and feets.

As Head of State, where would you head that State, um, to?

Barry: What my opponent won't tell you is that I stand for change. America is ready for change. Americans thirst for change because change is needed by Americans for Americans in America... change which can be used to buy candy. Also, my opponent is anti-choice on the issue of choice of candy.

Barack "Barry" Obama, (D) Age: "This many!" Favorite color: "Sunshine! Yay!" "A moonbeam in every pot and a unicorn in every garage" "Barry" is non-threatening and hopes in the future to bring the hope for hope and change and a better future. His history includes hoping and changing and inspiring and talking, as well as inspiring others to do the same. While not looking to the future, he spends time dreaming big dreams, writing letters to Santa, and trying to make rainbows smile. Last week, a bee landed on the back of his hand, then it flew away. It didn't even sting him or anything.

Johnny: Everyone knows that liberty is the bedrock of American values. Real Americans...<pause for jingoistic applause>...value the liberty to have the majority decide everything for everybody, including those unpopular minorities who aren't members of the majority. This is why American democracy has no checks or balances; the majority is never wrong and as such gets to choose for everybody else, especially if that choice gives others the freedom to have no choice. Foreign terrorists...<pause for boos and hisses>...who plot to terrorize America with the terror of terrorism hate our freedom to deny ourselves our own liberty. As President of these great United States...<pause for jingoistic applause>...I plan to keep on doing what we've been doing these past eight years. To change now would be bad, and Mom...<pause for cheers and applause>...would be mad and we'd get grounded and not be able to use the phone or the Nintendo for a whole week.

Barry: Since you brought up the subject, I just have to say...now, I know that this won't be popular in some circles...I know that this will cost me some points in the polls, but...I...I just have to say that I think terrorism is bad. Real bad.

Roe Vs Kitkat has always been a divisive Court decision. How will you use it to motivate voters to vote for you?

Johnny: My stance on that decision is clear, and my record is clear on my stance about that. Until forced to do otherwise, I stand behind my record on that subject.

Barry: Roe Vs Kitkat enshrined a girl's right to choose her choice, whether that choice be to choose candy, or to choose to not choose candy. That change of choices is a change that I, your candidate for change, stand behind. What we can't do is allow changes like these to be changed. Changing changes is the enemy of change. Sometimes, and this is one of those times, the best part of change is choosing to stay the same. Staying the same with change is the white stuff in America's Oreo cookie of hope.

Johnny: Barry is clearly cribbing from my Party's stance on change. We choose to not have the choice to choose whether or not to stay the same. Liberty. Choice. Change. Same. As President I will enshrine the choice to stay the same. Propositions, presently being writed up by American citizens in states all across this great nation...<pause for jingoistic applause>...will challenge the Court's choice to choose in Roe Vs Kitkat. Our choice is to choose to make you not choose to choose choice and we will stay the course by changing the law to be the same as it used to be before it changed to be what it is now.

Barry: The State has no business in the candy aisles of Americans.

Johnny: My point exactly, and it has been ever since I changed my choice, from pro-choice to pro-chosen, earlier this year. If there is one thing that I stand solidly behind, it's my stance of standing for the rights of Americans to choose whatever I stand behind. I talk straight and, until that changes, my stance on talking and the straightness thereof will remain unchanged.

Do you prefer comprehensive or abstinence-only candy-education being taught in public schools?

Sarah Palin, (R) Age: "Six and fwee mumfs" Favorite color: "Tuesday" "A girl from Alaska" Sarah is from some place in Alaska. While there, she played "ice hockey", which is like baseball but cold and on ice and the players fight, sometimes. Once, she saw a bear! It had white fur and a black nose and it was all "Rawr!" and then her dad shot his gun in the air and it ran away, but she totally wasn't scared at all.

Barry: I am for change, as you know. The present system, of things that are not changing, is not working. Kids continue to not learn about the potential dangers of candy, and as long as candy-ed courses in school are biased to not teach comprehensive candy-ed, instead favoring keeping kids ignorant about their toofs, they will suffer the consequences. Trips to the dentist are no fun. Cavities are worser. While toofpaste and brushing will not one-hundred percent guarantee that kids will not get cavities, not teaching them about their toofs will guarantee that kids will get them, guaranteed. They need to know these things, so that if their choice included the choice to choose candy, that their choice is an informed one.

Johnny: I will yield the mic to my running mate for this one.

Sarah: Teaching kids about toofbrushing is leading this country down a slippery slope of slipping down like a wet banana made slippery for slipping. Comprehensive candy-ed is like giving kids a free pass to eat candy. As you know, our country was founded by our Fathers in the Decoration of Indepungents on the liberty to not know about candy, our moufs, or candy in our moufs. Candy is dangerous. Candy kills. The only time when it is safe for candy, is when bounded by the sanctity of snacking. Let it be noted that my stance on candy-ed and the cavities in the moufs of members of my own family is in no way linked.

Johnny: As she so clearly stated, I am against candy. I always have been, ever since I spent five minutes in the monkey bars by the sandbox as a prisoner of war, where my imprisonment included both being in prison and being locked behind bars. If there is one job that those bars qualified me for, it was President of these United States.

How do you plan to deal with the problems, or "quagmire", in Iraq?

Barry: This is your cake, Johnny...

Johnny: The way to deal with Iraq is by invading Iran. The only way these people will understand how much we love freedom and candy is by taking theirs away. Like Iraq, we'll stay for as long as we have to to ensure that we've found and eaten all of their candy. We have to eat their candy over there so that we won't have to eat it here.

Sarah: I'd shoot 'em. Then they'd be all 'You shooted me!'. That'd be so cool. It's like a big sandbox over there, you know.

Joey: Wicked! Sandboxes are sooo cool! Back home in the great state of Delaware...<pause for jingoistic applause>...I've got a Tonka truck for mine. My sandbox used to be better, but my dog Mister Ruffles, a Great Dane...<pause for barks and howling>...keeps pooping in it.

The economy.

Joey Biden, (D) Age: "Eight fingers and a fum" Favorite color: "Ninja turtle green" "If you dare him to, he'll eat a bug" Joey has more foreign policy experience in his little finger than most people do all day. When school was out for the summer, he went to one of those foreign countries where people dress weird and don't speak English rightly, and he talked with some guys about policy. While there, he ate something with a funny name. It was pretty gross.

Johnny: Is that a question? Questions have that dot with the wiggly thing on top at the end of the sentence...

Barry: ...a question mark...

Johnny: Yes. A quote-unquote question mark. Elitist.

Barry: I am not an elitist. I simply chose to choose not to be an ignorant bumpkin... as do many people in my home state, the great state of Illinois...<pause for jingoistic applause>...

Johnny: 'Bumpkin'! Do realize that you're maligning almost half of the population of these great United States?...<pause for yokel hootin' and hollerin'>...You and your liberal elites with your liberal elitism continue to collectively push your liberal elitist agenda on the rest of the nation. Do you know what a bunch of people agreeing to work together on something is called? That's right; socialism, which is like communism but with stronger coffee and smaller moustaches. My stance is that only my own stance, and the stance of my Party, and the stance of its supporters, will be pushed on America.

Joey: Your stance is stupid!

Sarah: Nuh-uh! You're stupid! You thinks that we can get out of debt by donating your allowance.

Barry: ...and the money I got from the toof fairy...

Sarah: That's re-dik-o-lus! You're a stupidhead!

Barry: You're more stupider!

Johnny: You're most stupidest!

Barry: Is not! You touched a girl!

Johnny: *pout*

Any final comments?

Barry: Change. Candy. Hope. Hope for candy.

Johnny: Straight talk. Candy. Same. No candy.

Joey: I wanna go home.

Sarah: I maked a poopy.

Thank you for your time, candidates. Join us again in two weeks, for the same questions and similar answers by the same people with different ties in a different studio.