Mealworms

Mealworms are the larval from of the Mealworm beetle, cimex ew deformia, the less-cooler species of darkling beetle. Like all insects, they go through four life stages: Egg, Larva, Schooling and Adult Work life (typically 9-5 office jobs). Larvae typically grow to about 2.3 cm in length, until they reach the last few months of the larva stage and grow to around 21 feet long. This is thought to be a reference to the 21 day lifespan of a mealworm by God. Although some experts dispute this claim, citing evidence from "The Bible", they claim that this reference was made by Jesus himself (Theologians can argue over whether Jesus and God are the same or not).

A pile of mealworms to most people, lunch for some others

Reproduction

The Mealworm breeds prolifically. Male's mate after using pheromones (which reportedly smell of elderflower) to attract females of the species. Unlike most beetle species, the Mealworm mates during its Larva phase rather than upon reaching adult maturity. The mating process is a three-step system: First the male excretes pheromones through his left eye socket, upon successfully luring a female to him, the male chases her, after the female is trapped or has run out of energy, the male inserts his disgusting bug aedeagus, hence impregnating the female.

Female mealworms have a 5 hour gestation period, during which they either seek out shelter or an abortion clinic. The most common sources of shelter include mammal orifices, specifically ear canals and nostrils which provide the safest source of warmth and safety for the eggs which are almost immediately laid.

After around 6 months the eggs hatch, whereby the Larva then burrow out of the orifices and begin their short lives.

Controversies

Mealworms have been the source of a number of international controversies. Being an obscure species, a number of states and organizations have been able to utilize the species with great effect.

Mealworms in the food industry

Since the invention of the hammer, food production companies have been systematically murdering mealworms. The purpose of this is to use their crushed chitin's as filler for vitamins. Whilst every 100 grams of raw mealworm contains 206 calories, potassium, copper, sodium, selenium, iron and zinc, a recent study from the University of Edge Hill found that they also contain trace elements of asbestos. Ignoring all the chemical mumbo-jumbo, mealworms have been stated to taste like chicken, and are now being researched to see if frying them will have a similar taste to fried chicken.

Whilst this paper has not been peer assessed, it spurred on King George VI to ask Queen Elizabeth II to eat a plate of mealworms. Finding it pretty tasty, The Queen allowed mealworms to be eaten United Kingdom, and began to serve them as school lunches.

Weaponization

During the Franco-Prussian war of 1870-71, there were allegations of the use of mealworms in Napoleon III's extermination camps. These camps were initially designed to be used against British tea merchants, however after the outbreak of the war Prussian and Russian (due to a spelling mistake on the Imperial deceleration) people were transported to the camps. Mealworms were then used to horrific effect by the French Emperor, their especially toxic nature and tendency to burrow out of flesh meant they were perfect. Therefore due to a lack of bullets and the odd worm fetish of the Emperor, French began to load their guns with Mealworms instead of bullets, creating a spray of flesh-eating worms that would burrow into the enemy. Gross.