Massachusetts Bay Transport Authority

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Confusing, or Maze? How about Stupid?

Useless advice, as some douche will always push you on or into either the tracks, the side of the train, or the train.

The Massachusetts Bad Transit Assholery, also known as the MBTA, Tha T, "What the fuck is that smell?" and Hell, is a mass(hole) transit service serving literally anywhere near Boston west of Worcester, known for being incredibly slow, breaking down, and only having one purpose.

Services

Train on the water, boat on the track...

Busses

One of the few services that would get you three quarters of a mile from where you need to go. Would be a better way to travel, were it not for the endless traffic within a 40 mile or so radius of downtown.

Commuter Rail

The best way to get into Boston from any city with a station. If you don't live in a city within a 10 minute drive of a station, you're fucked. Even at its slowest, it's still faster than the bus system or driving to Boston.

Ferry

Apparently, this stupid thing has a ferry too. Who the hell is gonna use a ferry? It's not like there's a bunch of whales around... right? Makes you sicker than the Blue Line, and that's saying something.

And last but not least...

The Subway

Probably the most famous part of the T, and the easiest way in Boston to get crammed in a giant metal tube with 60 other people who smell like 7-year-old fish.

Green Line

The successor to the third oldest underground rail network in the world. With the oldest sections dating to 1897, most of the trains also date to that time, and have the speed and shakiness of a badly made wooden box on rails from that era. In the event of a nicer train coming along, it is required by Boston law to have it go out of service two stops after you get on. Almost empty except before and after Bruins, Celtics, and Sox games, where it becomes the most crowded place in Boston. Almost has more crashes under it's belt then Amtrak.

Orange Line

The only really nice line, as it passes through the affluent neighborhoods and cities north of Boston. Also the only line that doesn't smell slightly like piss. The trains they use are pretty nice, until the line passes south of downtown, where it becomes a Green Line-esque hellhole.

Blue Line

Absolute hell. Smells like hell, looks like hell, rides like hell, gets crowded as hell, gives you hell, and short as hell. The only good part is being able to get some decent roast beef in Revere and being the only connection to the New England Aquarium.

Red Line

Actually not the worst line out there. If you need to use the Ashmont-Mattapan line, expect to get where you need to go incredibly quick.

The Stations

• North Station: The useless station connecting the North Shore to the city. Mostly used for Bruins and Celtics games. Also has (one) Amtrak connections.
• Malden Center: Only used to send douchebags from Malden downtown
• Fenway: Misleading tourists going to Fenway Park since 1959.

• Kenmore: The actual station people use to go to Fenway.

See also

• Boston
• Subway