The Mona Lisa
“She laughed like a camel and farted like a donkey.”
“Your mother!”
“UR MUDDAH!”
“She was my first and last female-love. Now I’m doing young upstage boys! (They know who they are.)”
“Oh my ... what a lovely frame!”
“Oh Draconian Devil! Oh Lame Saint!”
“I created the original.”
“I AM Mona Lisa.”
So, you may have seen me hanging around, I'm Mona Lisa. I dunno, I'm kind of a big deal in Italy. Anyways, there's this famous painting of me by this guy named Da Vinci. It's supposedly one of the most famous paintings in the world, I mean, Johannes Vermeer even ejaculated on it once. For a long time it was a one-of-a-kind painting, but now it's all over the place. I think it's like the most copied portrait of all time, well, other than the portraits on money! You can even buy my portrait on rolls of toilet paper – doesn't that make me as famous as Jesus or something?
The Story From The Beginning
Basically, I'm pretty much immortal. Instead of growing older like you regular humans, I grow younger at a really slow rate. You've heard of Eve, right? That was me too! At first I was some sort of zombie–vampire type thing, but I didn't have a choice because it's something we goddesses have to go through to walk among the mortal – blame Chronos. And don't worry, it was before humans even existed anyways.
This is what it was like when I was "born", in case you were wondering:
I'm a bit of a foodie, and if I need to I can be a killing machine. Man, I used to love eating Tyrannosaurus Rexes. Believe it or not, they taste just like chicken but with tougher skin. I would just bury them in the ground with some hot coals like a kalua pig and I swear they came out more tender than than a blue-eyed doe singing Elvis to a baby by candlelight.
The Marx Connection
Since I look younger as I get older, back in the day you would've thought I was some hairy, decrepit old hag! I also have a lisp. I mean it, I used to get a kick out of dressing up like Santa Claus with a full white beard and everything. In fact, it just so happens that Karl Marx looked exactly like I did during the prehistoric age, isn't that crazy? There was even an article published about it in The Scientific Journal:
In ten minutes, using the absolute best morphing technology that could be found online for free, we were able to independently prove that there are definite physical similarities between Karl Marx and Mona Lisa, and it is believed that they could plausibly be the same person. However, recent carbon dating performed on Da Vinci's now infamous painting has debunked that theory.
Another theory is that Groucho Marx was also the Mona Lisa. While Groucho Marx and Mona Lisa are equally attractive, it is undoubtedly arguable that the two are related in any way whatsoever, based on the growth pattern of their mustaches alone. Unfortunately we do not have a sample of Mona Lisa's DNA to use as a control, therefore we regret to inform you that this study has been officially declared as moot and our findings have been confirmed inconclusive. We do apologize for any inconveniences reading this report has caused you.
| “ | That's actually what I used to look like. Ugh, could you imagine? | ” |
I know what you're thinking though, you're wondering what happens when I get really old. The answer is yes – I actually grow through childhood into a baby. I go through all the stages of life that you do, just in reverse. At the end of my lifespan, all that will be left of me is a glistening puddle of golden liquid. I wish you could see it so you'd believe me, but it won't be happening anytime within the next few millennia.
The Sexual Exploration Period
Let me be the first to tell you, I am straight as an arrow, but there were a few times I visited the island of Lesbos, you know what I'm saying? When you've lived for as long as I have, you learn to be very open-minded, and I'm no stranger to exploring the wild side of life. I have seen some mind-blowing shit over the years, I mean, do you have any idea what it's like watching everyone that you love around you die? It's really tough being immortal.
Did you know the Statue of Liberty was modeled after a real woman? She used to be my best friend in the whole world! Her name was Justice and we got drunk and fooled around on many a fortnight. There was this one bar in DC we loved to frequent called "The Oval Orifice". I think about those days and it makes me sad sometimes. I miss that bitch more than I miss Da Vinci, goddamn it!
The Mona Lisa Right Now
I suppose if I had to guess my human age, I'd say I'm about 18 years old at the moment, although that doesn't really mean much. My absolute favorite thing to do is read, especially the Harry Potter series. I try to read as much as I can, at least a few hours a day. Let's see, what else? I love watching the Big Bang Theory and Disney movies, but Stargate is my favorite movie of all time. James Spader is so damn hot in that movie, I can't even explain it. I also love watching cartoons (ATHF is the greatest) and playing Uncharted on Xbox.
My most embarrassing hobby would have to be dressing up my pets. I particularly like to set up little vignettes with themed costumes and take pictures of them like Anne Geddes does with babies. I'm a huge fan of fantasy art and collect paintings of fairies. Dungeons & Dragons is probably one of my favorite games of all time, and every Halloween I like to host a D&D costume contest with my friends, we get really into it. Currently I've been playing a ton of Candy Crush, and I just finally beat level 563! I need people to send me lives though, so if you friend me on Facebook I promise I'll send you lives too.
What more can I tell you about me? Hmm. I think I'm addicted to coffee because I drink at least three cups a day. Oh, I like singing along with Glee songs, but I mainly listen to emo and pop-punk like Blink 182. Uhm ... My favorite colors are purple and burgundy. I've been really into horseback riding lately even though I'm allergic to horses ... I really enjoy traveling and sunny days ... Cooking, I told you that already ... Going to the beach, marmots, Italian sodas, the Oakland Raiders, geo-caching, and thunderstorms.
Man, what an amazing journey it's been. Here are some of my favorite photos from over the years:
My favorite time of year is Christmas, but I did a whole calendar:
Since the rest of the world doesn't celebrate American holidays, I did a sexy calendar also:
Da Vinci was really into cosplay, he must've painted thousands of different portraits of me:
Da Vinci was a whore, he painted portraits of anyone who would pay him:
Check out these portraits of me by other artists:
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I used to model to make some extra cash:
The Song
Back in the 1980s, I met Slick Rick at a pizza joint out in downtown Brooklyn. He wrote a song about me, have you heard it already?
The Missing Eyebrows
So, remember I told you I was straight? Of course, Da Vinci and I used to do it all the time. My Leo was so smart, funny, and dynamite in the sack – I could never resist him. In fact, on the day that I was sitting for Leo to finally paint the damn eyebrows we just ended up doing it the entire time.
I totally could've painted the stupid things on myself if I wanted to – but you know what? I kinda liked it that way. Besides, we used to shave our eyebrows completely off during the Renaissance period, and Da Vinci was always really into fashion and trends so he wanted to represent that, duh. We'd get such a kick out of it when people'd ask about them.
| “ | The eyebrows, the eyebrows! Why doesn't she have any eyebrows? | ” |
Leo'd crack all kinds of jokes like, "She doesn't? Where'd they go? You! You stole them, didn't you!" Or, "Oh dear! They must have fallen off somewhere, watch where you step!" And my favorite, "The oil hasn't cured yet and I'm afraid of messing up the shading on her forehead." What a riot. But you know, with all the nonsense about the dumb-ass eyebrows, people don't even notice that one of my left fingers is unfinished too, it's just silly!
The Golden Mean
Da Vinci used to draw everything by some "golden ratio" because he said it was aesthetically pleasing. He used to tell me I had perfect proportioning, whatever that means, and that my face had "golden symmetry". It kind of creeped me out to tell you the truth, but I'm sure it's a good thing. I guess this "golden proportion" can be found all over the place in nature and throughout the human body, but oh god, sometimes Da Vinci would not shut up about it.
I don't know, maybe you can make some sense of this crap:
The Obvious Copyright Infringement
These people are all copying Da Vinci's formula for the perfect portrait and need to pay up:
The Mona Lisa in ASCII
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The External Links
There is no such thing as a good text-based image, as text ruins all images, but the ASCII Mona Lisa painting is particularly breathtaking.
The Real Thing
| “ | Meh. Aren't you sick of it by now? | ” |
The See Also
