Ken Lee
“Ken Lee, tulibu dibu douchoo!.”
“You are stuck in a moment that you Ken Lee behind.”
Ken Lee is the long-awaited missing link between humans and apes. He is the object coveted by 95% of all Slavic women [The other 5% are gay]. He is one of the true prophets of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and is a proud member of the Heroes Union on his own right. There are anonymous statues of Ken Lee to be found everywhere on a typical avenue in Bulgaria, most depict him as a man with very rigid hair, completely naked and carved from stone. Most people mistake these statues for other Slavic heroes and perverts, but a Kenleeologist can recognize such statues instantly and the recent studies show that there are 567 statues alone in my aunt's neighbourhood in Sofia. Bulgarians observe the day Ken Lee rested from being awesome whichever weekday the Bulgarian Idol is on as "a sort of Sabbath, but within a Christian perspective".
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Not much is known about Ken Lee. He is like the Jesus of Christianity, nobody has seen him, and yet they know who he is...strange. Anyway, the story goes that once upon a time, an extremely long time ago, even before Larry King was born, there was a husband and wife living in the mountains of some country. The man's name was Ken, and one day he decided to leave his wife and go to the town and sleep with some hookers. In anguish, the woman cried out, "Ken, don't leave! I don't want to live without you! I can't live by myself and your five chickens, three goats and rows of tomatoes!" He left anyways, and through her despair the wife birthed a child.
This miracle child was so beautiful, her mother was blinded by his beauty. She later died.
Career[edit | edit source]
It says in the legendary fables and folklore that Ken Lee did numerous things of great charity and kindness to all of Eastern Europe and the future Eastern Bloc nations. These stories were later gathered up and published into a song by Mariah Carey [more on that below]. A few of the best examples:
- One of his many acts of holiness was tying together pig's intestines, drying them up, and rolling them into a ball to give to a poor crippled child. The child had no arms, so all he could do was kick the ball around. Thus the game of soccer[futbol] was born.
- On one of his spiritual journeys, he happened along a beautiful oasis in the middle of the streaking hot desert. Stepping inside with awe, he found many strange artifacts. He also found one of the original holy scriptures of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He had three children with one of the local tribeswoman whore, Elvis, Ozzy Osbourne, and Eminem. Nobody knows why they all became musicians. Liking the location, he founded a settlement there. It later grew into a town, called The Town of Meadows
- In one of Ken Lee's preachings to a crowd, he was said to utter these words: "In my honor through death, thou shalt create a pious foundation in my name." This is known today as Univision. The show, Sabado Gigante, is actually an hour-long tribute to him. You just don't know it 'cause you don't speak Espanol.
Ken Lee's Heroic Death[edit | edit source]
Ken Lee's familiar, Tulibu-Libu-Douchoo (depicted above) was a parrot of such immense proportions that he is said to have consumed sunflower seeds by the ton. Ken Lee was mostly annoyed with the parrot because he didn't pay his share of the rent, didn't have a job, sat on his ass all day and watched the Slavic Idol. Ken Lee was also annoyed with him... because parrots are simply annoying, insufferable creatures. Since they lived in a warehouse (Because old Tulibu-Libu-Douchoo couldn't fit into a studio apartment) the rent was as huge as the bird itself and Ken Lee had to work two jobs to keep paying the bills. One day he came home from his night job at the local pizza place, furious and smelling of cheap fat. Legends say that he completely trashed the house and said, "Strewth! Tulibu-Libu-Douchoo, all thou knowest is sitting on thy backside and watching white trash programmes! On my beard, I promise thee that I will slay thee if my eyes see you perched on thy couch again!" Needless to say, the parrot did, and our hero didn't.
His death was sudden, from what we know of the violent nature of the parrots, who are said to have descended from Tulibu-Libu-Douchoo. Since a small parrot can kill a man in twenty hours, a parrot of Tulibu's magnitude could easily slay a man in a split second. Ken Lee swore that he would kill the parrot with his own bare hands, which was a stupid thing to say because nobody has done that (edit: Apparently someone did, TWICE.) and he would have been better off with an uzi or a chain gun. The many works of art that depict this heroic battle show a tiny speck of a man (because he looked really small next to that HUGE BIRD) running towards a parrot with gorgeous, exotic plumage. To show how quickly Ken Lee was slain, the artists use a small push pin to depict Ken Lee which the person can remove himself and ponder about the loss of this great hero by his bane.
The mythical magician and douchebag John Mayer tells Ken Lee's last words to be: "Oh great. I die an epic death, and all people are going to remember me by will be those stupid words my wife said about me when I, Ken Lee, left him--- OH GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH EWWGHHAAEH."
Writings and Revelations[edit | edit source]
He wasn't entirely wrong.
Fast forward. Whew. Now we're in the twentieth century. A hospice worker known as Mariah Carey decides to compile his writings into a hymn in Ken Lee's honor. This hymn would be spread throughout the world one day, she thought. So inspired by his deeds that she made the chorus line the words that Ken Lee's mother screamed when she gave birth. Through years of being passed on in different languages and bad translation, it went from "Ken, don't leave! I don't want to live without you!" "I can't live without you". Nobody knows why she omitted the part about the chickens and goats.
Later on [oh, let's say ten years], a girl finds the texts of this hymn and decides to preach it to the world. She has the voice of an angel, one so pure and on key that it sends the listener into a euphoric state of superconsciousness. This girl decides also to leave everything behind, her possessions, her family, even her name, to go sing to other people about the good deeds of Ken Lee.
However, she soon finds herself poor and on the street, deprived of money and food. Nobody would listen to her angelic voice, because in a fight earlier she had been punched, and that had left her with a severe lisp. The despair continued: the more she tried to sing, the less people respected her. About to give up, she remembers the struggle that Ken Lee went through. He was a good person, but people still disrespected him, but in the end he won.
This lonely girl finally made her mark on the world when she auditioned for a local TV show. The opened her mouth, and out came the revelations of Ken Lee. With her heart she sang for a fill minute and forty seconds. She finished, and the judges were left with mouths gaping, silenced. Had she finally touched someone? No. The criticism started, and never finished. They asked her, you sure that was the correct song? They interrogated her; one of the judges even had the vile nerve to ask what language it was in. She answered truthfully, "English", but they thought she was lying and cast her down as a heretic.
Nobody has heard anything since.
'What You Can Do'[edit | edit source]
Yes, you. The hope is not lost. You have heard the story, and you have been moved by it. Go, spread the word of Ken Lee to the masses!
A video of the audition can be found here. Nobody seems to take it seriously, they all just laugh. YOU can do something and take it seriously.