Jungle Cruise

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The original Jungle Cruise featured John Wayne as Col. Kirby

The Jungle Cruise was a popular ride in the Vietnam Adventure! amusement park that opened in 1946. It reached the height of its popularity in the late 1960s. It underwent many changes from its inception to its closure. However, throughout the many changes, it stayed true to its original inspiration, the novel Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. A version of the Jungle Cruise ride remains open today in Disneyland. It continues to delight tourists.

Background[edit | edit source]

After the end of occupation by the Japanese government, the Vietnamese government searched for new ways to develop their pre-industrial economy. After much deliberation, Ho Chi Minh converted the entire nation into an amusement park called the Vietnam Adventure! The most popular ride in the park was the Jungle Cruise. Based on the 1902 novella Heart of Darkness, this attraction sought to recreate the sights and ambience of King Leopold's genocidal reign of terror in the Congo Free State. The ride attracted millions of visitors, and independent franchise versions were soon opened in Korea (1950) and even Disneyland by 1955 – with concessions such as "The Whore! The Whore!"

The ride[edit | edit source]

First Jungle Cruise[edit | edit source]

The first version of the ride opened in 1946 and attracted mostly French tourists. It was shut down due to severe structural damage in 1966 and eventually fell in 1975.

Second Jungle Cruise[edit | edit source]

The second version opened in 1957. In this new version of the ride, park visitors accompanied a squad of Green Berets as they infiltrated the jungle to kidnap a North Vietnamese colonel. The ride was fraught with "dangers" such as realistic explosions, punji sticks, "Victor Charlie", and a somewhat melodramatic encounter with a Vietnamese orphan and his puppy. (Riders would cheer when the boat's "skipper" would shoot the orphan to "put him out of his misery".)

Unfortunately, this version had become dated by the mid-1960s and local management – in utmost secrecy and with the assistance of American engineers – shut it down.

Publicity poster for the revamped and renamed Jungle Cruise Now!

Jungle Cruise Redux (Jungle Cruise Now!)[edit | edit source]

After much thought and hard work, the managers of Vietnam Adventure! were at last ready to reopen the Jungle Cruise ride in 1965. Although the designers kept the genocide theme, and hewed close to the underlying Heart of Darkness story line, they completely updated the ride to reflect the lessons learned earlier from amusement parks such as Philippines Guerilla Land and British Near Eastern Quagmire.

Comparison[edit | edit source]

Every man has a breaking point. You and I have. Walter Kirby has reached his. And very obviously he has gone insane.

As in the second version of the ride, park goers boarded a Navy PBR (Patrol Boat River). However, the "skipper" now wore the uniform of a captain, and the new mission was to terminate the command of one Colonel Walther Kirby, played by an animatronic John Wayne: "Terminate with extreme prejudice."

As the ride began, the park visitor was treated to some lovely cognitive dissonance in the form of beautiful river scenes punctuated by brief adrenaline-filled moments of terror. Captain Kerry began a monologue as he read Colonel Kirby's dossier:

At first, I thought they handed me the wrong dossier. I couldn't believe they wanted this man dead. Third generation West Point, top of his class. Korea, Airborne. About a thousand decorations. I'd heard his voice on the tape and it really put a hook in me. But I couldn't connect that voice with this man. Like they said he had an impressive career. Maybe too impressive ... I mean perfect. He was being groomed for one of the top slots at Disney. General, Chief of Staff, anything. In 1964 he returned from a tour of advisory command in Vietnam and things started to slip. The report to the Joint Chiefs of Imagineering and Mickey was restricted. Seems they didn't dig what he had to tell them. During the next few months he made three requests for transfer to airborne training at Epcot Center, Florida. And he was finally accepted. Airborne? He was thirty-eight years old. Why the fuck would he do that?

Viet Cong village[edit | edit source]

Charlie don't surf!

At this point, park goers now have the unbelievable good fortune to witness an air assault on an authentic VC-held village. To the thrilling strains of "Ride of the Valkyries", helicopters swoop low and decimate the enemy forces. But look out! That innocent looking schoolteacher is hiding a grenade in her straw hat! BOOM! Scratch one helicopter!

Next some of the men break out surfboards and begin to surf under fire from the tree line. This exciting scene climaxes with a napalm run by a pair of jets. You can actually feel the heat from the firestorm, and you can smell that gasoline smell. It smells like ... Victory!

Welcome to Kirby's Village.

Kirby's village[edit | edit source]

Kirby's Honor Guard

After many other amazing sights and sounds (including the R&R Depot sponsored by Playboy and Pepsi) you arrive at Colonel Kirby's Montagnard Army Village. Montagnards in their native dress come and greet you on the river, then make way for the boat when Captain Kerry sounds the boat's siren. You make landfall amidst the lush jungle scenery, and the rustic village decorations of hanging corpses and piles of heads are tastefully scattered about. The heads. You look at the heads ... (Sometimes he goes too far, you know. He's the first one to admit it.)

You're then invited to a ceremonial feast in which a water buffalo is slaughtered before your very eyes, while simultaneously Captain Kerry slaughters Colonel Kirby. Then another terrific pyrotechnics display involving napalm, and the ride is over.

Aftermath[edit | edit source]

The third version of the Jungle Cruise was the most popular, especially with American tourists. However, changing times prompted a reduction in park attendance in the 1970s. By 1975 the park and the attraction were closed. Chinese investors tried to revive the park and the ride in 1979 but failed. Today the park, after a bankruptcy reorganization, is still open but with far fewer visitors. The ride itself remains closed.

In Washington DC, fans and buffs of the defunct ride gather. At a special wall, they leave souvenirs and memorabilia from the ride. Still, fans of the old ride should take note. A franchised version of the ride in Disneyland, replicating the much-beloved "Jungle Cruise Redux", continues to operate today.