John Boy and Billy
John Isley and Billy James, known as John Boy & Billy, named after "John-Boy Walton and a Hooters cocktail waitress", are American radio hosts based in Charlotte, North Carolina. Their flagship station is 99.7 WRFX "The Fox." Their comedic morning show, "The John Boy and Billy Big Show," can be heard in several Southern states via syndication through Clear Channel Communications.
However, this is just the image that they want you to believe. In reality, John Boy and Billy are the masters of the secret Global Redneck Conspiracy. Few people know of the existence of this conspiracy outside of the Deep South, but it is rumored that should the ambitions of the Redneck Conspiracy succeed, biscuits will replace bagels as the world's breakfast bread of choice, grits will replace oatmeal, and Robert D. Raiford will be proclaimed Lord and Master of the entire world. E-Mail Machines and cel phones will be banned, and ding dong mommies will be forced to stay at home and bake pies.
From their top secret bunker in Charlotte, North Carolina, John Boy and Billy broadcast their pirate radio signal every weekday morning, blocking out the normal broadcast schedule on hundreds of stations in the United States. From then, they use a complicated mind control method devised by evil techno-scientist Randy Brazell to control the minds of listeners nationwide. The proof of this is in John Boy's hypnotic shouts of, "Oowa, oowa, oowa," and "Duh huh!" which are actually Manchurian Candidate-like code phrases which allow him to direct his army of brainwashed lackeys.
The Crew[edit | edit source]
- John Isley - John Boy claims to be from Graham, North Carolina. Before comedy, he prided himself as a gas station attendant, but was demoted to radio DJ after he began running the tapes on his hometown radio station in 1975. He has been married for over 20 years and has three identical teenaged sons who were cloned from his DNA. If John Boy is ever defeated, one of his sons will rise to take his place. Philosophers have conjectured that if we were to ever find out what was in John Boy's Big Bag, or if he were ever to find it, reality as we know it would cease to be. Because his only true weakness is the rays of the morning sun, he sleeps in a coffin every night and must wear a protective Duh Huh Fishing Team hat when he ventures out. However, the lid on this coffin frequently gets stuck, which explains why he can never get to work on time.
- Billy James - Billy serves as the co-host for the show. He is from Gastonia, North Carolina. Beneath his quiet, intellectual demeanor lies the dark heart of a true madman. It is rumored that he once grilled up and ate a baby which wandered too close to the Big Show bunker just to see what it would taste like. When John Boy asked him how it tasted, Billy replied that it was "tender, but could use some kind of really good sauce". As a result, John Boy and Billy now market a special John Boy & Billy Grillin' Sauce, available at finer retailers nationwide. Thanks to the power of laser surgery, Billy has the ability to shoot deadly laser beams from both of his eyes. In order to protect himself and others, he has to wear his glasses at all times. This doesn't stop him from shooting his eyebeams, it just ensures that he can actually focus on whatever it is he's trying to hit.
- Robert D. Raiford offers political and social commentaries during the show. He was born in the age when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, and his first job was commentating a game of "rockball" for the Professional Caveman League. Even though Robert D. Raiford claims to hate e-mail machines and cel phones, he secretly is a superhacker who is presently working in secret with Astronerd to build a moonbase with a laser on it. When this base is completed, Robert D. Raiford will declare himself the ruler of the world. This is just another great example of old folks doin' stuff.
- Randy Brazell is a magical leprechaun who serves as the Executive Producer and takes care of the technical side of things on the Big Show. One day, when John Boy was vacationing in Merry Old Ireland, they came across a bright red haired leprechaun guarding a pot of gold, only it was actually a bowl of cereal -- but this didn't matter to John Boy, as he was starving: fishing off the coast of Ireland sucked. Leprechaun Randy offered John Boy three wishes if he could catch him. At that moment, John Boy let out a thunderous beer belch so loud and pungent that it turned Randy's hair white and caused him to pass out. Needless to say, John Boy had him tied to the hood of his car by this time. John Boy's first wish was to have a "big bag", which he later lost and has devoted much of his life to looking for. His second was to have Randy give a lifetime of servitude as the executive producer for the Big Show. John Boy hasn't made his third wish yet, but instead uses the obligation to continuously torment and abuse Randy without fear of revenge. Most recently, John Boy did this by awarding the 2005 Employee of the Year to himself rather than to Randy.
- Jackie Curry-Lynch is the Assistant Producer. She is from Weyers Cave, Virginia. She originally began as the Front Desk Receptionist, but she's become a regular part of the crew, much to her horror. Referred to frequently by JB&B as "Jackie and the Twins" -- the twins being her breasts. Some people mistakenly believe that Jackie had breast implants, but the truth is actually that her breasts had Jackie implants. If you actually manage to get through to The Big Show, do not anger Jackie. She can put her foot through the phone and break it off in the crack of your butt. Astronerd and Racing Fatboy: consider yourselves warned.
- Jeff Pillars is a writer for the Big Show. He is significant because he has his own gravitational pull. Objects that drift too close to Pillars enter geosynchronous orbit around him. When angered, Pillars transforms into a rampaging monster of complete terror. He is a master of seventeen martials arts, his hands are registered deadly weapons, and he is slated to win the Japanese sumo title this year. Pillars can kill a man with a dirty look. If he only gives a slightly displeased look, he can cause minor stomach upset, with annoyed looks he can give you a hangnail, and with amused looks he can give you chronic flatulence. It is wise not to attempt to confront Pillars unless you enjoy chronic flatulence -- particularly his own. He is worth an estimated $156 Million dollars, that he won in the North Carolina lottery by betting on the numbers "2,4,6,8, Who Do We Appreciate" that he learned while in a mental hospital.
- Marci Moran is sometimes tricked into performing on The Big Show. Her last name is not pronounced Moron, in spite of the fact that she is blonde. She is the Guest Coordinator on the Big Show. She is nicknamed "Tater" by the others because of a strange trick that she can perform involving a potato. No explanation is necessary for this (thank God). The mere sound of her laugh can strip paint from the walls, which explains why the Big Show had to renovate their studio in late 2005.
- Marty Lambert is from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming. He is also known as Smarty Marty, the One Man Party. This is most likely because it is impossible to look at Marty without laughing. To prove this, John Boy and Billy took Marty to a monastery full of monks who had taken a vow of silence. After just five minutes with Marty, all of them broke their vows by laughing hysterically. Also, one of the monks said that they "didn't know Marty was gay". Marty is actually not gay (in spite of all the evidence against him), but he has the ability to make everything he does LOOK gay.