Jesus Camp
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Jesus Camp is a 2006 documentary about a summer program for terminally Christian children who need a place to go everyday and "feel the lawd in ya'!" The minister, Becky Fischer – actually a determined sack of reanimated haggis incognito – started the camp and named it "Kids on Fire". Of course, this is a reference to the widely known and accepted evangelical tradition, cooking children. She blames every little thing that ever went wrong on Satan. She tells him to leave the powerlines alone. She knows he likes to screw up the PowerPoint presentations, so she tells him off. She knows Satan is there whenever the lights flicker. Wherever someone needs to fart, Satan is in their bowels tapdancing.
The movie follows three children to a camp at some mountain in Missouri, where they hoped to someday become somewhat more important members of society. After the movie was released, the camp was shut down due to fear that people would burn it down, or at least vandalize it, despite the fact that "counselor" Becky had trained the children to become completely obedient meat-pods who can transform into a giant Jesus robot and shoot lasers from its eyes. When the camp was attacked by Godless hippies and the children were unable to defeat them, Becky transformed herself into a gigantic hundred-foot-tall mutant creature and ate all the hippies. Her voracious appetite, however, was not satisfied and she ate the protagonists as well as everyone else at the camp. Still hungry, she ravaged the world in search of more food until she met Oprah, who vanquished her to the 0th dimension.
The children[edit | edit source]
Levi[edit | edit source]
He is a homeschooled pastor-in-training with a charming little rat tail. He thinks Galileo made the right choice when he gave up science for religion. He also thinks Santa Claus still exists. He preached at the camp, stating that his generation was key to Jesus's coming back.
Rachael[edit | edit source]
She doesn't think most modern churches are fun enough. She describes them as boring, stuffy, and "not the kind of church God would want to go to". To her, a true Church Experience™* consists of rock music, screaming really loud, clowns, balloons, HUMAN SACRIFICE!, and one of those things where you go down this fifty-foot slide in potato sacks.
Tory[edit | edit source]
She practices ballet and other fun dances to Christian heavy metal. This text is red. So is Satanic yodeling. She shuns "dancing for the flesh". One can only assume she is talking about panhandling in public in exchange for sweet succulent flesh. She's actually talking about pop stars and whatnot. Her entire life is an enigma. Scientists calculate it's only a matter of time before she goes completely emo.
Reaction[edit | edit source]
As is the case of any controversial movie, there have been many mixed reactions. Some Christians are disgusted, and a few are actually pleased with the film. The Muslims, of course, just laughed. The atheists had nightmares of being killed by a horde of angry kids. The Canadians are still Canadian.
Ted Haggard, a.k.a. "Captain Sweetcheeks the Cockjockey", says his portrayal as an asshat when dissing Levi was a result of faulty camera lenses and odd radioactive waves in the air caused by Satan himself.[1] The obvious look of crushedness mixed with what seemed like a kick in the nuts was all Levi could muster. Haggard actually said[2] Levi was a good preacher, and that he was a cute kid.
