International Ostrich Defense Association

The International Ostrich Defense Association, commonly known as IODA, is an international organization that promotes, educates, and improves ostrich defense standards. The main IODA headquarters is based in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and consists of a head group of IODA administrators (known as the Herd) and a member body that meets once every six months or during ostrich-related emergencies. IODA is now a department of the United Nations, and all member states of the UN elect members to IODA.

IODA was formed in 1920 in response to the First Ostrich Epidemic, which was a time period between 1919 and 1922 which saw mass devastation by ostriches all across the world. The First IODA Emergency Conference was held in April 1920, and the meeting ended with the first revision of the IODA Standardized Ostrich Defense Plan, abbreviated as SOD-1. This plan is very different from the current version of the defense plan, SOD-3.

The United Nations has set IODA's annual budget as $694.4B, and this money is spent to promote the education of ostrich defense across the world to prevent a Third Ostrich Epidemic from occurring.

History

The First Ostrich Epidemic

In 1919, the ostrich population across the world suddenly exploded. This explosion sparked conflict between ostriches and people, and reports of ostrich attacks skyrocketed from one report every 30 weeks to 30 reports every day. Law enforcement in all areas were overwhelmed and couldn't assist civilians, and the civilians themselves were never educated about ostrich defense. This mass-ostrich-attack event has been dubbed the "First Ostrich Epidemic," and it lasted from 1919 to 1922.

To respond to these attacks, nations across the globe needed some way to educate people and standardize the way to survive an ostrich encounter. As such, the newly formed League of Nations came together on April 17, 1920 to form a new department of the League: the International Ostrich Defense Association. One week later on April 24, 1920, IODA came together in the first IODA Emergency Meeting. This meeting lasted three days, and consisted of establishing the curriculum for ostrich defense training in schools around the world and standardizing a defense plan for people to use against ostriches. Six nations sent members to the First IODA Emergency Meeting: Canada, Brazil, Russia, Great Britain, Japan, and China. The meeting ended with SOD-1 being established.

IODA in the United Nations

When the League of Nations was liquidated into the United Nations in 1946, IODA was made a department of the UN. In 1949, Rio de Janeiro was chosen for the new headquarters of IODA to replace the old location in Berlin, Germany. IODA's main headquarters are still situated in Rio.

In 1969, IODA was granted permission from the United Nations to establish the Ostrich Peace Corps (OPC). This small group of armed soldiers is specially trained for dealing with large-scale ostrich attacks. The OPC was established to attempt to contain the chaos that may occur with another Ostrich Epidemic.

1986 PETA Backlash

IODA's funding was cut dramatically in 1986 as public opinion of the organization began to shift. Early in the year, PETA began a campaign against IODA and accused IODA of animal cruelty. The spokesperson for IODA at the time, Kazimir Kuzmin of Russia, repeatedly expressed that IODA "[has] only ever used force against animals to protect the future of mankind." Despite this, IODA continued to be criticized until the mid-1990s, when IODA funding was increased in response to the predicted rise in ostrich populations.

The Second Ostrich Epidemic

Similar to what happened in 1919, early 2022 saw an unexpected rise in the ostrich population. By this time, many countries around the world had removed the requirement for ostrich training in school, as many nations believed ostriches would never again be a threat. As such, many people around the globe never received formal ostrich training and were ill-prepared for the onslaught of ostrich attacks. From February 2022 to September 2022, the "Second Ostrich Epidemic" ravaged the world. The OPC was very unprepared, and they only caused minor damages to the ostriches' numbers. The Epidemic caused many economies around the world to crash. The strain from the Second Ostrich Epidemic and the Russian invasion of Ukraine brought some small countries, especially African countries, close to collapse. Also, the presence of the Internet during this Epidemic led to a lot of misinformation and memes to spread like wildfire around this time, as many people were instructed to stay inside due to the ostrich attacks.

Contributions to society

IODA is most famous for their IODA Standardized Ostrich Defense Plan (abbreviated SOD). Throughout the 20th and 21st centuries, this plan has been revised three times.

SOD-1 (April 1920)

The original plan that all other SODs are based on. This plan contains four main steps in the event of an ostrich encounter.

1. Avoid direct eye contact. Ostriches are easily provoked to attack when they are looked at funny. If the ostrich doesn't seem hostile in the beginning, don't look into its deep, wonderful... and dangerous eyes.
2. Back away slowly. If the ostrich still isn't hostile, begin to back away from the ostrich slowly. Never turn your back on the ostrich.
3. Run if necessary. If the ostrich is hostile and attempting to attack you, turn and run in the opposite direction. Don't worry about eye contact--it has already seen your fear. Whenever possible, make sharp turns and bends, as ostriches are faster than you if you run in a straight line.
4. Stay home, and lock all entrances. If the ostrich has followed you to your home, enter quickly and lock the door behind you. Proceed to quickly ensure all entrances to your home are locked and covered. The ostrich will eventually lose interest in you and leave. Until that time, don't go outside. Don't look out windows. Barricade yourself in your home and gather supplies. Stay quiet. It can hear your breath.

SOD-2 (April 1964)

The second version of the Defense Plan contains more offensive guidelines than defensive.

1. Stare the ostrich in the eyes and make yourself as big as possible. This tactic should be done first, as most ostriches will not oppose someone who they deem more powerful than them. For extra intimidation, bring an IODA Standard Ostrich Egg and crack it over your knee like a real badass. If these intimidation tactics don't work, move on to step two.
2. Slowly pull out your weapon. If the ostrich doesn't seem hostile, retrieving your on-hand weapon, such as a gun or katana, should be done slowly as to not provoke the ostrich. Once your weapon is drawn, hold it out in front of you and snarl. Embrace your inner lion as you stare down the ostrich. This threat will be interpreted as a challenge, and the ostrich will begin to charge.
3. Defensive maneuvers. When the ostrich begins its charge, immediately turn and run the hell away. Preferably, you should be screaming like a little girl while doing it, as this may remind the ostrich of its childhood and stop its attack. If this does not stop the bird, continue running until you find an enclosed space, such as a building, to hide inside. Stay inside until the ostrich gives up and leaves. If the ostrich makes it into your hiding area, move on to step four.
4. Give up. The ostrich has bested you. Pray that you survive its attack so you can be rushed to the hospital when your bleeding body is found hours later. The worst case scenario is that you hide in an abandoned building where no one will find you. If so, be sure to have your will prepared beforehand and move on to step five.
5. Die. It was bound to happen eventually.

SOD-3 (March 2020)

This is the current plan that IODA has set out. It has been drastically changed from the previous plans, and is documented here.