HowTo:Defend yourself from an ostrich

Ostriches are birds that have a history of attacking humans. Ever since the first recorded ostrich attack in Africa in the 1600s, cultures all around the world have developed their own ways of fighting back against the ostrich menace.

History

In the early 1600s, a group of Somalian teenagers were wandering around their village when a gang of three ostriches jumped out and ambushed them. Only one of the three boys survived, and he talked to others about his somewhat embarrassing story. The teen's openness about his attack caused more people to chime in and discuss their own encounters with the ostrich. Soon, the entire continent of Africa had begun to develop ways to defend against the flightless birds. As ostriches "spread their wings" across continents, Asians and Europeans also created defense mechanisms, and these ways were passed down to generations via oral history and formal schooling.

Ostriches never made it to the American continents until the 1800s, and the art of ostrich defense had been long forgotten. So, the people of North and South America were unequipped to battle the ostriches, and the nations there fell into chaos. This chaos contributed to the sparking of extreme human ideas, and the attacks of the ostrich are considered indirect causes of the Latin American revolutions and the American Civil War.

In the early 1900s, the International Ostrich Defense Association (IODA) was formed to standardize and spread the techniques of ostrich defense. The standard ostrich defense plan consists of parts from traditional African defenses, Chinese rocket defenses, and European mass extinction defenses. The ostrich population has been dramatically reduced, and many people take their ostrich defense training for granted today. In early 2022, the ostrich population suddenly exploded, and attacks became much more common. This sudden resurgence spurred Internet discussion and memes. However, this explosion was temporary, and the population of ostriches has returned to its normal pre-2022 levels.

IODA Standard Defense Plan

The International Ostrich Defense Association's standardized defense plan consists of three easy steps: Prepare, Plant, Preoccupy. Using the three P's, one can easily defend themselves against any number of ostriches, though the plan still has a chance of failing. The plan normally works most efficiently with two or more people, so be cautious when alone.

Prepare

Like many things, it is best to be prepared for anything. The items one should always carry on their person: a small thermonuclear bomb, at least three African children, and a cellphone for calling the authorities. The African children are optional, but are always a great back-up in case the bomb fails. Also, be sure to wear adequate clothing that is not easily penetrable.

Plant

When you encounter an ostrich, the next step should immediately be to plant your small thermonuclear bomb. Place the bomb at your feet slowly, as to not provoke the animal into a charge. Then, press the large red button labeled "Boom time" on your IODA grade-A thermonuclear bomb. At this point, you have thirty seconds to wait before the bomb detonates. Move to the final step.

Preoccupy

The final step initiates once the bomb's start button has been pressed. At this point, you must do anything in your power to keep the ostriches in place. If they are too far away, lure then closer to the bomb to assure maximum damage. There is no audible timer, so be sure to keep track of the time in your head. The best time to turn and run away is around three seconds before the bomb detonates. The IODA has no standard on what can distract an ostrich, so you will have to come up with that yourself.

Back-up

If the thirty seconds pass but the bomb does not detonate, you will now most likely be in a chase sequence with the ostrich(es). At this point, you should not stop running. Instead, use the at-hand African children as projectiles. Since they are starving, they will immediately begin to consume an ostrich on contact, effectively stopping its chase. A word of caution, however: these children will also not hesitate to eat you, so be sure to quickly throw them away and don't stop, lest the children turn away from the ostriches and charge you.

After an attack

When you have successfully survived an ostrich attack, it is best to report your attack to the local police department. This will allow them to go to the scene and clean up anything left. If you used the African children, the police will take care of them.

Famous attacks

Ever since the initial attack in the 1600s, there have been countless famous individuals who have suffered from ostrich attacks. Some of their stories are listed here.

Elvis Presley

The Graceland Ostrich Incident is one of the most tragic ostrich attacks in music history. On August 16, 1977, a then-42 year old Elvis Presley was lounging in his backyard at his home in Memphis, Tennessee. Suddenly, at approximately 3:20 PM, an ostrich emerged from a bush bordering the property and charged the musician. Presley was surprised by the sudden appearance of the bird and fell out of his chair face-first. As he attempted to stand, the ostrich grabbed the man's forearm with its beak and threw Presley into the nearby pool, which was full of lukewarm water. Unfortunately, Presley had never learned to swim, and floated back-up in the water drowning. His body was found an hour later and was rushed to the hospital, where doctors declared that Elvis Presley had died just ten minutes before his family found him in his pool. Elvis's death sparked outrage that IODA had done nothing to help the man, despite that fact that IODA could have literally done nothing in this scenario. Nonetheless, outrage continued for some time before criticism died down.

Teddy Roosevelt

Roosevelt was one of only three US Presidents to have been attacked by an ostrich while in office. On June 9, 1905, Theodore Roosevelt was on an expedition to the Amazon Rainforest with two of his friends, Grumpy Bear and Tenderheart Bear. Around halfway through their hike through the Amazon, the trio heard rustling in the nearby bushes. Alarmed, Roosevelt drew his machete and a pocket pistol he stored in his socks. The group assumed a defense circle position and waited for another sound. Suddenly, six ostriches jumped out of the shrubbery and attacked Roosevelt and the Bears. The three began slashing at the birds. In the end, Teddy Roosevelt survived the attack, but Grumpy Bear and Tenderheart Bear were killed by friendly fire. The President rushed away from the scene after he took care of the ostriches and returned home, leaving the bodies of the Care Bears to rot in the Amazon forever. A memorial site has since been established by IODA Headquarters in Rio.