Huntly
“Huntly?, that's that castle I stayed in just outside of Dundee ain't it?.”
Huntly is a small concentration camp ruled by a big chappie living in a nice castle (Huntly Castle in case you were wondering) in the north-east of Scotland almost what would be an hours drive from Aberdeen if it wasn't for the majority of the over 60's population driving at 40 mph down the A96 and stopping for tea and biscuits at Morgan McVeigh's, a small roadside carehome provided for the elderly and run by NHS Grampian.
It was once known as 'Milton of Strathbogie' although after ridicule from surrounding towns (mainly Keith) for being named after nasal excrement, it changed it's name in 1992 to make it sound more Englishly after drivers going to Aberdeen kept mistaking it for the service station bogs. Citizens of nearby Keith still argue this to be true however.
The town is also known as 'Toll a' Chaic' in gaelic and has recently been granted the official nickname 'The Family Town' by Aberdeenshire Council after the local police records indicated 5673.4 cases of incest from 2002-06 which isn't bad for a town with a population of 4000. It is also worth noting that this makes it smaller and hence not as good as Keith. In reply to the allegations, local MSP Stevie Paterson was quoted as saying: "Before others frown on these activities, people should remember that Huntlyonians have nothing else to do here. The nearest cinema is 50 odd miles away and it's a game that the whole family can play."
Recreation[edit | edit source]
Huntly is located in an area where the majority of dungers (or Fairmers if you're from Aberdeen) are actively involved with rearing livestock - need we say any more? Other than this, when people get bored they also decide to write lots and lots of letters to supermarket chains telling them how pissed off they are with building proposals, only for Aberdeenshire Council to grant them permission. This is a 10-year plan employed by the council to destroy the local economy and assist the National Tesco Party in its quest to take over the country).
One of Scotland's premier ski resorts is to be found nearby too. The Nordic Ski Centre (called so because the local Dean family stole and relocated to Huntly from Stavanger in 1987) would be a hit with the skiiers if only the Deans had built it on a slope. It is also built within a forest which makes the off-piste skiing some of the most challenging in Europe. After the council refused to fund a ski-tow for the resort's 10m vertical rise, the Dean family then sold out to some burly Scandinavians and then tried their hand in the world of shortbread biscuits. Sadly, the Deans were later slaughtered by the Walkers of Aberlour in the great shortbread wars of the late 20th century.
Fliers from the tourist information centre (which only exists to help lost Americans get back onto on the Malt Whisky Trail) claim that there is fun to be had at a place called 'The Bin' although the Lonely Planet team failed to find it on their most recent visit - possibly because it had been taken out that Tuesday morning. To be endorsed by VisitScotland, this must be one of the most famous bins in the world and tourists are kindly asked not to use it for hot ashes in the interest of preservation
Sport[edit | edit source]
The town funnily enough is home to The Dirty Huntly F.C. which is one of those senior football teams that aren't good enough to play in the Scottish Football league. Due to them being a senior team they can play in the Scottish Cup although they never qualify anyway and even when they do, they are knocked out by top class, world famous teams such as Forfar Athletic or other junior teams from the east coast. However, somehow they have managed to win the Highland League trophy a lot more than Keith (this is because Keith are shite, due to them being inbred minks and being born with a hand for a foot and both a vagina and a penis. Mainly through a range of dirty tactics, offside goals, ball boys that take too long to throw the ball back too the opposition and voodoo tea ladies that casts spells upon the opposing team's tea ladies.)
Famous Residents[edit | edit source]
- JK Rowling's husband is the vet's son
- The vet is JK Rowling's husband's dad
- One of the witches from Macbeth went to school here
- Harry Potter's 2nd cousin Gordon
- Some lady that got a 3rd place medal in the Commonwealth Games
- Dolly the Sheep's 3rd Cousin Annabel
- Raskia Sobertson Champion hat dancer. Wears a wreath of 'Green Willows'.
- Crumpet and Paddy Paws - the found missing animals of farthing wood
- Tam MacGowan came here once - the only Central Belter to ever do so
- Andrew Leggatt
- Andy "the Hun" Crighton
- Jim (honest, me, Walker, Benzie & Gamie are nae a bunch o crooked bastards) Innes
- Terry (the genius at Chemistry on the 17/3/11 at 14.34pm) Ferguspock
- Doddy McTuftsnuffer fae the Mains O Skittery Grape Shaft - NE Dung Munchin Champion 2011