HowTo:Spark a Rebellion
Sparking a rebellion is not for the weak willed.
If you have a tendency to whine, complain and generally do nothing about it - You are not ready to start a rebellion, and should look up Emo to embrace what you really are.
Young rebellion leaders are usually responsible for several riots: you may want to start there first.
Things to Remember Before You Start[edit | edit source]
- First of all, don't be in power inside your country. It's harder than you think to have civil war against yourself.
- Secondly, make sure you are popular. (That leaves you out. Sorry, but you sit in front of a computer all night reading random pages on Uncyclopedia. You obviously have no friends, and probably never will.)
- Thirdly, make sure you are of reasonable strength. If you get picked last for at least three sports, you should probably leave the rebelling to someone else.
- Fourthly: Weapons are important. If you have guns that's a good start, but remember: If you don't have bullets; guns don't work. Also make sure you have better guns than who you are overthrowing (a bow and arrow doesn't quite match up with an AK47). Depending on which country you are overthrowing, you may only need a couple rocks.
- Fifthly: State whether or not you are a communist (by using phrases like "the proletariat" or "the workers") or a capitalist (call the CIA at 1-800-IMREBEL and they will send you more money that the previous dictator spent). This can be crucial to your success because depending if you are fighting in the 1960's or 1990's. If you are fighting in the 1960's make sure you are a communist because the Soviet Union will send more 0WN4G3 equipment than you can toss a rock at! If you are fighting in the 1990's make sure you let the US know and they will send you a $H17L04D of money to buy the 0WN4G3 equipment from the former USSR.
Step-by-step Guide[edit | edit source]
- First your rebellion is going to need an army. There are 4 places to find fanatics: 1) Caves in Afghanistan 2) Jungle commies 3) Star Trek conventions 4) Scientology meetings
- Come up with a rhetoric that you shout over and over again (preferable in the German language). It is a good idea to start a drug cartel.
- If you need time to grow some balls, protest near the center of government (palace, senate, particularly fancy tent). There is a 1% chance that this will overthrow the government, so it's worth a try.
- Next get support from a world superpower (applies to pre-1991 universes only) by claiming that you are communist/socialist/dictator or capitalist/rapist.
- Hide in the jungle until the mass media picks up your story.
- NOW SHOW THOSE COMMIES/CAPITALIST PIGS/HORRID DICTATORS WHAT FREEDOM MEANS (By sending them a tape where you have hostages).
- Show your work to your mommy and ask if she approves; if not, quit while you are ahead.
- Tell the U.S the country you're rebelling against has Weapons of Mass Destruction. (Show them pictures of black people with guns and they will surely believe you.)
- Take a plane to America and seduce the President's wife as he fights for freedom in Iraq. Don't forget your webcam!
- Begin Mass Propaganda in the US, preferably by telling them to kill the Mexicans they stole their jobs.
- Dress up as a women and sleep with the dictator of China. ( Remember to use a Condom )
- Bribe the Dictator of China to declare war on the entire world or you will tell everyone he slept with a guy.
- Become Dictator of the US (only if mass propaganda works).
- If not simply go to France and tell them you will lead them to Glory (100% of getting their crappy armies).
- Ally with China against the U.S.
- Have your rebels who are patiently waiting in a 3rd world country invade China as you invade the U.S .
ADDS
- Buy popcorn for soon to come Epic battle!
- Mcdonalds! Its more then good! it's fattening!
ADDS
- Have your rebels steal Chinese nukes and nuke all of Europe ( including France )
- have you french crap army suicide by trying to beat a group of U.S soldiers when they only had a 500 to 1 advantage...
- at this point the rest of the 3rd world shall join the Empire of Hell ( Wish your leadership )
- China will try to ally with the U.S so they can have a chance. Unfortunately none of them can speak English so they are butchered for food.
- Tell the American people their president is having a affair on his wife with 3 prostitutes ( use photoshop to make this happen)
- Become CEO of McDonald's
- The Death Star has one weak point. Have a single fighter go and launch proton torpedoes into it's thermal exhaust port. It will soon explode afterwards.
- the American people will now join you
- Do as you wish
Now you Rule the world! Congrats!!!!11!!one!!!1 thanks to all the negroes, furries and jews that made this possible.
Guideline weaponry[edit | edit source]
While AK's, RPG-7's and Uzi's are cheap, reliable and can be bought anywhere, They are considered somewhat cliche and therefore inferior. Our spies in the market claim that WW2 era weaponry is making a comeback, especially British Bren guns, sten guns and lee-enfeild rifles. The British made BAR is frowned upon because everyone seems to think it is american. Russian WW2 weapons are fine too, the Mosin-Nagant was so reliable it would work in hell and the PPSH makes an excellent bang as well as bieng a bullet hose. Under no circumstances use American or German weaponry, as everyone will either think youre either a Nazi or a Capitalist. Artillery from this time is good too, foremost Katyusha rocket artillery as it's widely considered too be the coolest thing ever. Absolutely nobody disputes this. Nobody. If YOU do Stalin will stab you in the eye, and we don't want that do we? FOR THE MOTHERLAND!!!
After-thought[edit | edit source]
Well, I hope you found that little set of instructions educational. And I'll see you at the next Meeting of World Leaders! Goodbye!