HowTo:Score a Second Date

So, you’ve scored yourself a date (if you haven’t, see HowTo:Become less shit) but what now? The panic before a first date is normal; we’re all terrified of rejection, awkward silences and rampant herpes. Firstly, you need to just CALM DOWN.

I can't help him but maybe I can help YOU

I find the best way to do this is by breathing slowly...into a bong. Okay so once you’ve reached your happy place it’s time to prepare your outfit.

Holy shit is this casual-casual or dressy-casual?

Remember, this is your first impression, so if you screw it up you’re going to have to slip a tab of acid into your date’s drink and try again tomorrow. This is undesirable since acid is expensive and unlike today, tomorrow is not Taco Tuesday at Taco Bell.

Sourced from Oxford University

Ladies

Basically you want to look good, but not like you spent over 16 hours getting ready (even though we all know you did). Take a look at the outfit spectrum on your right. The outfit spectrum is directly proportionate to your mum the amount of clothes worn and time squandered preparing your hideous face. In order to impress your date, you’ll want to fall around about the middle. If you’re wearing ugg boots and don’t like change, you’re probably falling too far to the right. If you put your hands in the air like you just don’t care and I can see your underwear (clever rhyme intentional) then like Soviet Russia you are way too left.

Gentlemen

An example of what you probably shouldn't wear

Unlike the ladies you are limited as too what you can wear. Basically it will either be a combination of jeans and a shirt or a shirt and jeans. If you can, accessories with something a little different in order to ensure your date remembers you out of all the other deadbeat losers she is simultaneously dating. This could be anything from an interesting tie, rainbow suspenders or a sweater your grandmother knitted from her own moustache.

Can I order the ribs?

For Christ's sake no. When eating out on your date ensure that you do not under any circumstance order the ribs because you WILL get it everywhere and you WILL repulse your date. Unless you happen to be wearing a meat dress in which case you could probably use the ribs to accessorise.

So, what DO I order?

You can tell a lot about your date by what they order; apparently. So don’t order the salad. Your date will either think you’re cheap or anorexic, which you don’t want, even if you happen to be both. Did you know that the smaller the meal your date orders the bigger the chance that they may put out later on? It sounds crazy but really this is simple logistics. No one wants to feel jiggly while getting jiggy. So play it safe. Just order the pan fried bandicoot.

How do I eat?

Insert face into bowl/plate of food. There is no need for eating utensils because these are just a ploy by the government to enforce law and order. Your date will be impressed that you do not bow down to “the man”.

Oh God they’re speaking!

Okay, so your date has finished their meal and is now talking at you. Just CALM DOWN. Smile and nod at whatever they happen to be saying. The more boring they are the more nodding is required. Now, if you are unlucky enough to encounter an awkward silence, try not to talk only about yourself, unless you’re really awesome (see Chuck Norris). Ask them questions, and make sure to feign interest when you hear the answers. Avoid talking about your ex, your cat, or how you just hate coconut. Not the flavour, but the consistency.

Is this going well? Are they smiling at me or the waiter?

Relax; it’s sometimes hard to tell how the date is going because as Gregory House would say, everybody lies. He would then inject two rabbits with steroids and watch them fight, after which he would reach the brilliant conclusion that the patient is suffering from lupus and possibly aids.

You need to bail from the date if:

• Your waiter is Edward Cullen – your date is not smiling at you
• It’s been 5 hours and they’re still telling you their top 100 reasons why Hitler was just ‘misunderstood’
• You need to fart
• They love Celine Dion
• They are Celine Dion (if this is the case, please redirect yourself immediately to HowTo:Commit the Perfect Murder)
• They fought in World War II
• ...for the Germans
• You or your date are experiencing explosive diarrhoea
• Your stomach was making the rumblies that only hands would satisfy

I thought I was fine until that last one. Quick, now what?

Okay so despite my best efforts to help you the date is going about as well as Magda Szubanski in a triathlon. But don’t worry it’s not me, it’s you. The obvious solution to your problem is self immolation. The monks do it all the time because no one wants to date a baldy. The sun reflects off their chrome dome and right into my eyes. However, if you were too cheap to go to one o’ them romantic restaurants with the little tea candles, lighting yourself on fire may prove difficult. If you have no access to fire to thus end your life and your date, then the next best way to free yourself is to fake your own death (unless your date happens to be into necrophilia). To fake your own death, place a deer carcass in the driver’s seat of your Toyota Camry and send it spiralling off a cliff. The police will find the car with the deer splattered all over the dashboard and assume it was you. For a laugh, don’t kill the deer first. Film, and send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.

But they drove, not me!

Are you literally retarded? Dating is like committing a felony - ALWAYS drive so that you can make a clean getaway! Well I guess that’s my fault, I should have warned you earlier. Looks like you’ll just have to continue on this date and see where it takes you. I once ended up on an episode of Deal or No Deal.

They want me to come inside for “coffee”. Should I?

Are you sure you want the coffee?

Well that depends; how badly do you need coffee? Because if you haven’t had coffee in a while you wouldn’t want to embarrass yourself by finishing too fast – that could get awkward. Also, ask yourself this; how good are you at having coffee? Remember, this is the first date so if your coffee skills aren’t up to scratch then they may never want to have coffee with you again. If you wait, they may like you for who you are and overlook your coffee-related shortcomings. Having said that, if this is really a onetime coffee then grind for your life.

Also, be aware that after the coffee they may want to have sex.

8. How about a second date?

If you managed to get this far without tripping in your porterhouse heels, losing control of your bowels or lighting yourself on fire then you may be able to finally score a second date. It’s simply a matter of mustering up the courage, looking them in the eyes (or eye if you’re dating a Cyclops or pirate) and asking “How about it?” Preferably without soiling yourself. I mean what’s the worst that could happen? They say yes, you end up getting married, the magic dies, and you resent each other until one day you throw yourself into oncoming traffic? And if they say no just scroll up and start again.

9. See Also

• Mail-order bride
• Divorce
• Swinging

Featured HowTo: Article	Featured on the 12th of March 2011
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