HowTo:Plagiarize

Your very much pathetic essay so far that you've been trying to write.

Your now beautifully plagiarized essay that took only five minutes to complete.

Ever thought that "Man, I've got to get this essay finished?" Welcome to the world of essay writing. Your bitch of a teacher just assigned you four pages of essay for you to spew your worthless crap on some bullshit subject that's not even helpful in life. Worse, it's your final and it's the difference between failing and passing. You procrastinate, looking at porn and huff kittens all day until you finally realize you've got an essay to do. It's fucking four o'clock in the morning and you have approximately two hour to complete your essay. And, you haven't even started a single sentence. You didn't even make a thesis statement yet. You're thinking "Man, I'm so totally screwed. FUCK!!!" But, no fear. I've got the solution - plagiarism.

Plagiarism - What is it?

You're probably wondering, what's plagiarism? You can't even spell it! Is plagiarism the act of sending people plagues? No, you ignorant fool. Well, look it up online, if you're too lazy to use a dictionary. I copied this from the interweb :

• plagiarism (n.) The act of plagiarizing.
• plagiarism (n.) Something plagiarized.

Unfortunately, that definition doesn't help you very much, does it? Type in plagiarize (spell in correctly, bitch. It has a fucking 'z' in it.) in the dictionary page and you get:

• plagiarize (v.) To use and pass off (the ideas or writings of another) as one's own.
• plagiarize (v.) To appropriate for use as one's own passages or ideas from (another).
• plagiarise (v.) To put forth the original to oneself as original to one's own concept of oneself and the ideas or words of another or of one own's oneself.

Plagiarizing - The Solution

Oh ho! You just got a brilliant idea - plagiarize! You're thinking to yourself, "Oh snap, I could use this idea!" You're low on time and effort. Honestly, you don't give a crap about this essay. All you want is not to attend summer school, like your previous year of school. This is the solution you're looking for.

How to Plagiarize

Overall, plagiarizing is both fun and effortless! Folow these steps and you've got one hell of a kickass essay that someone else wrote.

1) Figure out what you're assignment is. If you don't know, you're definitely screwed.

2) Look up your selected subject on the interweb.

3) Find a website where people post crap on subjects but nobody actually gives a crap about them.

4) Use the patented "Copy and Paste Technique". First. highlight the essay fo your choice with your mouse. Right click and select copy. Then, open up your word doc. essay and just paste!

5) Print your essay out and claim it as your own.

6) Bam! 1, 2, 3 you're done! Presto! See how easy plagiarizing is? Now you have a try at it!

Practicing Plagiarism

Use the "Copy and Paste Technique" on the following sentences into the spaces provided:

• Plagiarism is the final solution.

• Why did I spend all my time looking up gay porn?

• I love plagiarism.

• How the fuck do you spell plagiarism?

• Why is my teacher such a bitch?

Fun Facts about Plagiarism

• Plagiarism was invented by turtles before humans came to exist.
• Plagiarism is the best substitute for your extremely crappy essay writing skills.
• Plagiarism is often used by lazyasses who don't give a damn about the world anymore.

Getting Caught

Oh noes!!! Your teacher has caught your plagiarism. Even though you know that you did plagiarize, immediately deny that you didn't without hesistation. As your teacher prepares to question and torture you, never, ever, admit that you ever plagiarized. Blame it on someone else if you possibly could, like your demon possessed HP printer. Make up lies. Run. Kill your teacher. Do what ever it takes to escape. But, if you do get caught, you will be forced to do horrible things. One of these many tortures are excessive kitten huffing, turtle washing, and having an endless sitting fiesta. You may even be forced to sleep with your old wrinkly teacher in order to pass you course. The horrors!

Success!

If you managed not to get caught, make sure you know what your essay means so you can pass off any suspicion regarding your essay. Watch as your essay amazes your teacher. Ahh, your dazzling writing. It sparks the imagination of anyone who reads your essay. Your teacher tells you that you have captured the spirit of a brilliant writer. Smile to yourself and accept the praise, even though you know that 'capturing the spirit of a brilliant writer' is pure bullshit. You get an A+ for 'your fantastic writing'. Show off your essay to your much less competent colleagues. They worked off their asses for five hours on the essay but they got a lower grade, while you spent only a few minutes.

Conclusion

Congratulations! You now know how to plagiarize effectively. Keep these skills to yourself. You now have even more time to catsturbate and sniff crack. Your essay days are over.

See also

• HowTo: Pass English