HowTo:Pass English

“Me fail English? That's unpossible!”

~ Ralph Wiggum on irony

English marks ain't looking so good? Your parents threatening to restrict the amount of kittens you huff? Well, then clearly, you may be mildly mentally retarded and/or in need of reading this article, How To Pass English, witch was cleerly writed by sum total eckspurt.

An Overview of the English Language, and English as a Subject

Etch-a-sketch will not earn you bonus marks past the first grade.

As you may have deduced, or muttered about indiscriminately to no end, that the slovenly beast named English is quite the useless subject. This is quite the paradox. Which is ironic because a)that is mildly self referential, and b) because the probably corrupt government of your choice would probably claim that what is taught uselessly force-fed to you is a rudimentary skill that you will use in everyday life, much like Calculus and History. The exception clause to this would be if you live in Quebec, where English is the root of all evil, and discouraged.

But, I digress.

Schools of Thought on Passing English

Plagiarism

Thinking about copying and pasting something, from a certain website like say... I dunno... WIKIPEDIA?!?!?!?!?!?!

You n00b! Don't do that! Only fools and martyrs would attempts such folly! Try copying and pasting content from our very own, lovely, Uncyclopedia.

[End shameless plug here.]

But seriously. Other options, if you think you're above this, or your teacher is actually competent enough to realize that there is such thing as the internet may include: "borrowing" assignments off your smart "friends", (if they do not comply, you may have to bribe them, or beat them into submission) or, if you're really into the internet plagarism, you could just try changing a couple words. Throwing in random spelling/grammar/factual errors will probably not be necessary if this is the case.

Advantages

• very easy. Retards like yourself could handle.
• as time consuming as copying and pasting shit is
• if you like beating up nerds, you get double the pleasure
• if you're teacher is dumb, they will never suspect a thing

Disadvantages

• if you get caught, you're going down
• if the nerds to do not supply, you're fucked
• there is probably no internet access on your final exam
• you may get ratted out

Ye Olde Bullshit Stand-by

This method is quite popular, regardless of whether you are failing or not. Actually, it is recognized as the only way of passing English.

The key to the BS theory is to make sure, no matter how outlandish and probably nonsensical what you have written is, that it is grammar Nazi-proof. Otherwise, your teacher will think you are bat fuck insane, and may either a) send you to the guidance counselors, or b)fail you monstrously.

This is the sort of highbrow asshattery to which you are aspiring. And also the first image that comes up when English is Googled.

To learn how to BS properly, you must include several important key words in your writing. These words vary with what you are writing about, but there are a few core ones that are sure to be infallible. These words are:

• society, mankind etc.
• oppressions, constraints
• therefore
• thus
• indicative
• allegory
• metaphor, symbolic etc.
• allusion
• thematically
• consequently

This is an example of a sentence employing these words, in a way that really makes little sense, but is passable.

Thematically, this work refers to the oppressions of society,
which is indicative of the bourgeoise attitude towards the individual 
and the ego, which is an allegory for the daily struggles of ordinary man.

Advantages

• generally very effective
• part marks for sounding smart
• it is possible your teacher may think you are a genius
• the only possible evidence to your deviance is the article (but don't worry, it will be huffed soon)

Disadvantages

• people may think you're bat fuck insane
• someone may figure out what you're saying and assassinate you
• more time/thought consuming (sounding smart is hard!)

The-Look-Up-a-Random-Word-and-Use-It-asaurus

This school of thought is very similar in philosophy to the BS method, in that, well, it is basically bullshit. The basic theory behind it is, you look through the lovely essay, or the assignment of your choice, and find any words less than 6 characters, excluding a, the, it, etc. or any words that sound too regular for your tastes, and looking them up in the thesaurus.

Be sure, when using this method, that you choose the longest word listed in the thesaurus, regardless of whether or not it makes sense. This is not important, much like English.

Example

Some stupid, fat, lazy meanie thought my articles were stupid and ruined them.

becomes...

Some incongruous, lardaceous, lackidaisical caitiff cerebrated and presumed that my impedimenta were puerile and impoverished the Man.

See how reading the definition may be important.

Advantages

• less effort, same effect as BS method
• otherwise, same advantages as the BS method

Disadvantages

• your teacher may question your competence at using such vocabulary
• there may not be an appropriately long word in some instances
• you may need to know the alphabet to use a reference book

Sucking up to the teacher

This method, first invented in 4 BC, by Jesus himself, is the oldest and most standard method used by students to pass English. The method, is of course, widely known, but rarely successful. A mistake that many students make is giving the teacher an endless supply of empty compliments, or treating them like a human being and feigning interest in their "hobbies"^. No. The most successful route, is of course, the literal one.

Where did you think the term sucking up came from, dumbass?

Also, if this is not enough, you can always try blackmailing the teacher, with the evidence of said "sucking up".

Advantages

The US, the UK and the Iraq and South Africa are often used to learn English, such as.

• tried, tested and true
• requires little to no intellectual prowess
• can always be lucrative
• the teacher may get fired

Disadvantages

• dude. your teacher.
• other students may think you are a brown noser (you are)
• if you get caught, you're fucked

Conclusion

If you manage to remember all these theories, and learn to employ one well, you too may be able to pass English! If not, well, I guess it doesn't matter, because English is totally useless. So you may as well get a job at McDonalds or something, actually.

Oh wait... they expect you to have high school diplomas now... Scratch that I guess...