HowTo:Love Your Neighbor as Yourself
“Won't you be mine? Won't you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?”
In the Christian faith, the "Golden Rule" means to love your neighbor as yourself. Fundamentalist Christians believe in following the strictest wording in the Bible of "neighbor," which means the person living in the residence immediately bordering your residence. More liberal Christians extend this concept to the entire "neighborhood" as defined by city zoning laws.
Choosing a Worthy Neighbor[edit | edit source]
When moving into a new neighborhood, carefully assess your neighbors. Are they loveable? Even likeable? It is advisable to choose attractive neighbors, preferably of the sex for whom you have attraction. Elderly, ugly and disabled neighbors may be more difficult for some to love. Also problematic for Christians are liberal and heathen neighbors. Move next door to someone with a flag flying in their yard. Women wearing bobs and men dressed in business attire make good choices, especially if they go to your church.
If you are a fundamentalist, you will next need to choose which neighbor will be the target of your love. Will it be the one on the right or the left? More liberal Christians can host a backyard barbecue and choose the most loveable person in the neighborhood from the guests arriving.
The Gift Basket[edit | edit source]
All good neighbors prepare a gift basket for those new in the neighborhood. You, however, in your ceasless unselfishess, will prepare a gift basket for your new neighbor of choice. Ponder, if you will, the items you find most pleasurable and which set your thoughts on God. A Bible, a Christian music CD, a devotional guide--all of these items are most appropriate.
Don't forget to include the things most special to you. You will deny yourself in order to share your love with your neighbor instead--that computer game you've wanted to buy for so long, the necktie that matches your wardrobe best, and small computerized devices, such as iPod and iPad, which you have been saving for. All these things must go to your neighbor instead.
The Moonlight Serenade[edit | edit source]
When we think about love, we most often think of kind romantic gestures. Who would feel more loved than to be awakened in the night by soothing and spiritual music? Those musically talented will do this best, but if you are not blessed with this gift, a mini-boom box or friend who is a choir member will do.
Wait until the moon is full. Position yourself and begin crooning. Perhaps you have a favorite hymn to sing. If not, secular music may be acceptable, just as long as it is not that rock-and-roll devil's music. Frank Sinatra and Michael Buble are good choices.
Most important at this step is not to give the appearance of being gay or an adulterer. If your neighbor is the same sex as you or is married, it is even more important to keep a Godly tone to your concert. Consider Hymn 116 by Isaac Watts, ""Then shall thy neighbor next in place Share thine affections and esteem, And let thy kindness to thyself Measure and rule thy love to him."
So Your Neighbor Has Called the Cops and Taken Out a Restraining Order[edit | edit source]
Should your neighbor shun your demonstrations of neighborly love, demons are obviously clouding their judgment. There is not much you can do at this point. If you can obtain some holy water, you can get a friend to covertly sneak it into their sprinkler system. Often, this has a positive result and your neighbor may open up their heart and come to you with gratitude and repentance.
Perhaps you are reading this from jail. Do not despair! Know that persecution is a part of what you signed up for when you chose to be a Christian. Take your place among martyrs and saints, secure in the knowledge that you have followed these steps.
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