HowTo:Expertly assemble IKEA furniture

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“So easy even a college professor can follow it!”

~ Bureau of Furniture Assembly
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Assembling IKEA furniture is often seen as a difficult process, unanimously hated by many people around the globe. When was the last time you ever heard someone else say they like to assemble IKEA furniture? Thats right, never! Though, once you know the appropriate steps, assembly couldn't be easier. This simplistic guide will help you to master the art of assembling IKEA furniture in just a few months with a few hours of study every day. Even if you are just starting out or have had several nervous breakdowns, this guide will go over all the details and even include some expert tips from ex-IKEA employees!

Let's get started.

Instructions[edit]

Step 1: Consulting the Manual[edit]

Just loop the thread around the disc, run it through the time portal, and then loop it back up the disc, simple! Remember to have a particle accelerator and warp drive ready to capture the quantum foam!

The instructions of IKEA furniture is often seen as one of the hardest things in history to follow, however, it is extremely simple to understand the simplistic pictures with no actual written information to follow.

Contrary to popular belief, IKEA manuals are not in printed in Swedish or Klingon, but a form of English spoken by the Ancient Ikeans in the 5th Century BC. IKEA says that only a basic understanding of Latin, ancient Greek, literary Sanskrit, classical Japanese, and a small smattering of Egyptian Hieroglyphics are needed to understand the manuals.

One of the tried and tested methods is to carefully analyse the instructions using a magnifying glass and write down what you think the instructions say. This is known as "translating", as provided in our example, look at the various steps throughout the page and write them down as you see fit. Don't worry if you can't understand the instructions, that's the fun part! Its time to learn the skill of "winging it", it's easy to translate simple instructions, for example, if there is a picture of a screw, you are most likely going to need to screw it in. If there is a nail, you are probably going to want to nail it into something. If there is liquid, you may need to clean the object prior to usage. Remember the fact that all IKEA manuals are translated into every language, therefore, you should ignore instructions designed for other countries. If the instructions say something needs to be exactly 3 inches, ignore them if you are in any other country other than America or the UK. By the same logic, if a product needs to be stored under 40 degrees celsius, Americans can proudly roast it on the barbecue.

Step 2: Anger & Meditation[edit]

If you are confused about assembling IKEA furniture, don't worry! You are not alone, millions of other people are equally or even more angry than you are. There are several ways to go about handling this anger in a safe manner.

Yoga[edit]

Yoga has been proven as a highly effective way of handling anger, lying on the floor or moving around in enlightening yourself and opening your chakras or something, I forgot to read the rest of the brochure. While assembling IKEA furniture, it helps to take a moment to practice yoga, doing so will improve your health physically and most important, mentally. Assembling IKEA furniture is stressful business and sometimes, you just need to take a moment to breathe. If you have forgotten how to do so, see IKEA's manual on breathing.

Psychiatric Services[edit]

If you live in a country with a health budget of more than $77,000,000, you should have locally available psychologist services to talk about your IKEA assembling woes. Most psychologists are trained in handling nervous breakdowns due to furniture assembly. Discussing the troubles of finding screw 74A instead of screw 83J or failure of following subroutine 44D, detailed in manual 33182-F part 19.4a. Psychologists may prescribe certain medications such as anti-depressants to alleviate some of the burden of furniture assembly. Just make sure you have health insurance or big pockets, psychologists are costly! Thats why the next possible alleviation will help those who are broke.

Crying it Out[edit]

Go on you big baby, the reason you are buying IKEA furniture and assembling it yourself is probably due to the fact that you are indeed, broke. Ranging from divorced fathers paying out their alimonies or college students who needed to get a new lamp after chucking up all over the old one. The reason you bought IKEA furniture in the first place is because, you are indeed completely broke. So, giving it a good cry is an excellent way to alleviate your problems. Go on, cry about your pathetic life, the fact you can't follow simplistic instructions nor afford someone who can come and assemble it for you whilst sitting back on the couch watching from a safe distance.

Suicide[edit]

Sometimes assembling IKEA furniture becomes such a burden that you just.. give up on life. There are several methods to go about doing this that will take too long to completely cover here, however for extra creativity points try to commit suicide using the unassembled furniture. Doing so will let people know why you commit suicide and they'll completely understand where you are coming from. You could also leave a note or something but that isn't fun!

IKEA sells flat-pack suicide kits in the form of guillotines, explosive vests, and hanging kits. A few of the instruction manuals are less than 700 pages long and IKEA claims that these kits can be assembled in less than three months.

Step 3: Questioning the Designers[edit]

“Who the fuck even writes this shit?”

~ Intern IKEA Assembler
IKEA diagram demonstrating proper manual reading position.

Throughout your furniture assembly adventures, you may question the drugs that were taken or the sanity of the designers writing the instruction manuals. How can someone write so much yet fail every single time? Why is there a man with broken wood on the floor? Why are all the names in hieroglyphics? These are all common questions that you may ask yourself whilst reading IKEA instruction manuals.

You might also ask other questions, such as.

  • Where the fuck does cord 1984-BB go?
  • Why is there a man showing his bones on the manual with a caution symbol?
  • Why is there a snake coming out of a box with a confused man?
  • Why do IKEA employees smoke weed?
  • Why is the man in the manual happy and not committing homocide?

All of these questions and more, are valid. Unfortunately, they'll probably never be answered, but we can already assume their answers with the default answer of a lot of LSD.

Step 4: Denial[edit]

As with everything in life, you will always fail no matter how hard you try. This is much more apparent when it comes to furniture assembly, no matter how hard you try to complete it. You will always fail. You'll try to deny that you have failed to assemble, but when the kitchen table collapses to the side and you watch the potato, rice, and turkey fly off to the side, you'll know that you have in fact failed. Not only in assembling furniture, but in life itself. You are pathetic and you have no basic skills, the only reason you are alive is because capitalism won. If it wasn't for capitalism, survival of the fittest (capitalism) would have got you long ago.

Step 5: Giving Up[edit]

“Giving up is probably the best thing you can do, there's a reason our refund policy is 365 days.”

~ IKEA Ex-Assembler

Congratulations! You have reached the final stage!

It's time to give up.

You have no hope in doing this job properly, its always going to fall apart eventually even if you manage to succeed by some miracle.

Its easy, just put the pieces back in the box and return it to your local IKEA, don't feel bad about returning it and getting looks by the employees there, they know exactly what you've been through, they've seen millions of others go through the same thing. They aren't thinking you are an idiot, they are going to think you are one of the smart ones.

Don't worry, millions of people buy IKEA furniture every year and only 5 of them successfully assemble it.

Conclusion[edit]

An IKEA store, also known as Hell. If you get lost, our friendly employees are always out there to help you!

We hope this guide has helped you with your IKEA assembling woes, a lot of time and effort was put into this guide to ensure only the highest of quality instructions make it in here, so next time you decide to purchase IKEA furniture, relax, sit down, get a beverage of your choosing and take a few minutes to read this guide. It'll help you a lot in the long run.

If you ever want to hate yourself, you local IKEA store is waiting for you.