HowTo:Commit suicide

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WARNING! This article is designed to offend.

If you are not offended by it, please edit it  so that you will be in the future. For an example of how to be offensive, see: Cannibalism

This person has had an existential crisis and realises that life is worthless.

Suicide is a common way to die and a solution to a temporary problem that will be solved anyway because of the steady pace of time slowly marching you toward your likely painful and inevitable death.

Hey, you.

Yeah, you.

Are you in debt? Did your fiancé(e) leave you? Does everyone hate you? Did you get struck by lightning? Did you step on a Lego piece? Did you get run over? Did you get fired? Did you have an existential crisis? Did you have to work unpaid overtime for your job that you don’t even like? Did your house burn down? Did your pet die? Did you run out of money to buy yourself dinner? Are you too lazy to clean up or do anything for yourself? Did YOU write a BAD Uncyclopedia article? Whatever the reason, SamSamaritans Suicide can help. Just read the following guide on how to die, but this time, even idiots and failures like you can understand the instructions. All you — yes, you — have to do is read this article and follow what to do. Now in only steps.

Step 1: Why should you commit suicide?[edit]

If you are thinking of committing suicide, think about why you should commit suicide by consulting the list below:

You discover that there is no meaning in life whatsoever and that everyone will die anyway so you might as well just get it over with[edit]

If you are a nihilist, well done! You are one step closer to committing suicide than everyone else. As the famous philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “To live is to suffer.”

There is too much pain in this temporary life and ending it sooner would be better[edit]

See Pain.

You do not conform to the corresponding stereotypes which you should match[edit]

Many people want to commit suicide because they think they are:

  1. Too fat
  2. Too thin
  3. Too stupid
  4. Too ugly
  5. Too smelly
  6. Too clingy
  7. Too aggressive
  8. Too bossy
  9. Too narrow-minded
  10. Too lazy
  11. Too small pp :)

And others that are truly unspeakable, which is why I have not mentioned them. Definitely not because I cannot be bothered to type them out.

You suffer from a mental condition that will kill you anyway[edit]

Spreading Happiness Everywhere. Yippee!

If this is true to you, you are very lucky! You have got a head-start!


You want to be a cannibal’s food.[edit]

Good job! By giving up your life, you have partially solved overpopulation and world hunger, as well as helping cannibalism thrive.

If at least one of the terms apply to you, you have passed the test and can move on to Step 2! Yay!

If none of the terms apply to you, you have also passed the test and can move on to Step 2 as well! Yay!

Step 2: Wonder if there is anyone who you have a relationship with[edit]

Think about whether you have any relationships with anyone. If you have none, you get to skip to Step 4! Good for you! If not, continue to Step 3.

Step 3: Get rid of the people that have a relationship with you but only if necessary[edit]

Ask every person who has a relationship with you whether or not they would mind if you died suddenly[edit]

[NOTE] A knife, dagger, machete or other sharp blade will probably be needed and concealed from view, preferably in an inside pocket in a jacket. A cloth, napkin or handkerchief will also be useful. And maybe a roll of gorilla tape. And some rope. And some grass, sawdust or sand.

If they say they wouldn’t mind, you can ignore the rest of this step and continue to Step 4. :)

If they say they would mind, read on.

Ask them if they would want to die with you[edit]

If they agree to this, you are in luck! You may get your knife out and violently stab them. Make sure not to stab yourself as there are better ways to die. You will betray them, but nothing matters as we are all going to die anyway and the universe will be swallowed up by black holes and then they themselves will evaporate and then there will be nothing but null space and a heat death, ending everyone’s completely meaningless and pointless lives in a probably horrific death. Check that they are dead by hacking off their head slowly. The pain should cause them to scream.

If they do not want to die with you (and by now they are probably calling the police, a suicide hotline or both) just stab them with your knife multiple times and proceed to hack off their head. If you want, you can fill the head with grass, sawdust or sand and hang it on a wall, much like how a Victorian would hang a moose’s head. You can buy grass here, sawdust here, and sand here.

Wash the blood off your knife and dispose the body. The best options are in a vat of acid or to a starving cannibal, though anywhere will do.

Then ask yourself whether you have done Step 3 with all of the people that know you. If so, good job! You may move on to Step 4. If not, go back and do Step 3 with another person who is in a relationship with you.

But what if...?[edit]

You do not have a sharp blade[edit]

If you do not have a sharp blade, you can buy one here.

If that fails, try here.

You are not an official adult so you cannot buy one[edit]

Wait until you are 18, fake your age or just skip to Step 4.

They see the knife, dagger, machete or other sharp blade[edit]

You will have about half of a second before they will start asking questions or calling the police. In this case, tell them that you can explain, take them to a sparsely populated area, take them by surprise and knock them to the floor. Violently hack off their head quickly until they are dead. You can then, if you want, fill the head with grass, sawdust or sand and hang it on a wall.

If they scream[edit]

While their mouth is open, quickly tie the cloth, napkin or handkerchief around the skull so that the cloth intercepts the open mouth. Alternatively, you could stick the gorilla tape so that it covers the entirety of their mouth and, if you want to, shove the cloth in the mouth before sticking the gorilla tape on their mouth. Hack off their head, complete with the usual grass clippings, sand, or wood (or not) then hang on a wall.

If they resist[edit]

Point a gun at their face and say that you will shoot if they do not cooperate. Naturally, they will stay still. Then you can tie them up with a rope. A bow or simple knot is nice, but the constrictor knot or Paloma knot is best as they will not easily untie. Then you can tie the handkerchief around the head and across the mouth, muffling the noise. Or stick the gorilla tape across the mouth with or without the cloth stuffed down their throat beforehand. Proceed to swiftly hack off their head. Then, if you want, you can fill the head with yudda yudda yudda blah blah blah whatever.