Hippie Separatist Movement

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“Go west, young hippie, go west. And take your patchouli-stink with you!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hippie Separatist Movement

The Hippie Separatist Movement (not to be confused with the Hippie Separatist Movement) began in the 1970s when many hippies were sober long enough to come to the conclusion they didn't want to live in the countries of their residence. While a few of the more enlightened hippies realized that the real hippie movement died in 1969, some were so stoned they believed 1969 could last forever. A few of the more power-hungry hippies, such as Charles Manson and Abbie Hoffman realized that while some hippies were cool, most were dumb and you could make money off them by isolating hippies from the outside world to into communes to aid obtaining their money. Although hippies like to think of themselves as individualists, they all formed around the idea of growing their own drugs, which the government wouldn't let them. Other disagreements were:

  • not enough dole money
  • don't want to study war no more
  • regular society was not anarchistic, socialistic, communistic,facsist enough for their tastes.
  • "modern society is like.....messed up, man"
  • didn't like being hassled by the police
  • wanted to "get out of the house and get away from my parents; they wanted me to cut my hair and go to college and get married and get a job"

And when hippies began depopulating cities by the billions, they began to form communes.

If the original author of this article had known anything about urban communes, they wouldn't have written this with such misinformed ignorance.

Things to Do At Hippie Communes[edit | edit source]

One thing hippie communes are started for is to foster creative expression and art. However, most hippies don't realize their art sucks. If you go to a hippie commune, you may be forced to listen to very crappy music or poetry. You may be forced to look at crappy paintings or sculpture, you may have to endure the dreaded hippie play or rock opera, or possibly even the worst of all, the hippie preformance art. Refrain from poking out your own eyes or ripping your ears from your skull; while you may risk offending the preforming hippies by doing so, the bad part is that you will need your sight and your hearing to escape later.

Another thing hippie communes are formed for is politics. Often a group of hippies has found dis-satisfaction with the outside world, and therefore has retreated into solitude amongst its own group. Most hippies interested in politics however have no effect upon it. These people will often just simply debate politics all day while smoking marijuana or kitten huffing, and not do any kind of political activism or voting. When sober for a brief amount of time, some hippie communes will attend protests, sit-ins, teach-ins, rallies, or riots, but they will not vote since they consider voting to be taking part in a corrupt political system.

Some hippie communes are started because the hippies in them want to have sex with lots of people. These communes are quite kinky, yet the people who join them aren't the good-looking people you want to have sex with. Expect anyone from these kinds of communes to be fat and hairy. These kinds of communes are often filled with nudists, a Greek word for "person who looks better with their clothes on than off, but keeps taking them off and scaring the sheep".

The main reason however for hippie communes being started is for drugs. Among the cornucopia of drugs one will find at a hippie commune are marijuana, LSD, cocaine, magic brownies, magic mushrooms, peyote. Also, there may be kittens present for kitten huffing. If it's your thing, you can also find lots of booze there too. One thing one may do at a hippie commune is ingest a multitude of drugs, and then sit around and do nothing.

The really crappy hippie communes forbid drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. These people tend to be ascetics. These types of hippie communes don't last long since they aren't any fun at all.

Work[edit | edit source]

Most hippie communes are started so their members don't have to work. The ideal hippie commune is one where nobody has to do any work, but everyone gets an equal amount of stuff; this however is not possible, and why most communes are destined for failure. For a commune to survive, at least one person must be doing some kind of work which brings in some form of income. The other members of the commune will mooch off of this person.

However, some communes force their members to work. Some communes sell their art products to tourists and appreciators of bad hippie art to make money. Others grow their own organic food and sell the surplus -if any- to stores. The more lucrative communes grow their own marijuana and kittens, and sell the surplus -if any- to dealers for pot-smokers and those who are into huffing kittens.

Food & Living Conditions at a Hippie Commune[edit | edit source]

Food[edit | edit source]

Brief description: Bad.

Long Description: Cuisine at hippie communies comes in three varieties:

  • Vegetarian
  • simple & bland
  • scavenged

The majority of hippies are vegetarian because they're too lazy to kill animals for their own food. Hence they only hunt vegetables. Typically when the menu at the commune is vegetarian, it's also grown on the commune, either because fruits and vegetables from the store are either not organic, or the hippies don't want to give money to a capitalist company which exploits workers. Hence, their own veggies are small and lacking nutrients in comparison.

When the fare at a commune is simple and bland, it is typically because the commune is a bunch of ascetics, and a religious commune which doesn't believe in spices or seasonings, or tasty food. A simple and bland diet is considered "pure" because they think tasty food is a spiritual evil. It is also theorized that ascetics have bland food because they spend too much time trying to be spiritual, instead of getting in the kitchen and actually learning to cook.

Scavenged cuisine is what the hippie can liberate from the garbage, gather from the surrounding land, or buy with the money they can beg off of people. Many urban communes are known for their scavenged cuisine, as cities have dumpsters which yield a greater potential for finding morsels still-edible food tossed away amongst other waste products, which make up the base ingredients of scavenged cuisine.

Living Conditions[edit | edit source]

The short answer: filthy.

A note on toilets (if there is one): Hippie toilet etiquette goes by the rule: "If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down." When translated into English, this means if one has simply urinated, do not flush the toilet, but if one has pooped, then the toilet must be flushed. The reasons behind this are not fully known; hippies will say this rule saves water and helps 'Mother Earth', but anthropologists will say that this rule helps the hippie maintain the urine smell in their commune, which makes the hippies feel comfortable.

If you see rooms full of mattresses at a commune, this may be for a variety of reasons:

  • the hippies are too cheap to actually buy bed frame, so they just stole a bunch of mattresses to sleep on.
  • the hippies already burnt the bed frames for firewoood last week
  • the commune is set up as a sex haven. The way you can tell you're in a sex haven hippie commune is to use UV light, and if you see large glowing splotches, or if the entire mattress is one big glowing splotch, you're in a sex haven.
  • if you see dead bodies on the matresses, the hippie commune was based around a wacky religion, and the members have left to find Jesus, catch a ride on a UFO, or become enlightened, or another series of lies.
  • if you see large splotches of blood like someone has been hacked apart with a chainsaw or an axe, you're in fact not in a hippie commune, but a horror movie. DON'T TURN AROUND, THE KILLER IS BEHIND YOU, RUN!!!!! NO, NOT UPSTAIRS!!! OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! NO, NOT INTO THE WOODS....oh, nevermind.
  • If the room full of mattresses is clean and well-lit, you're not in a hippy commune but a bed furnishing store.

Famous Individuals and Groups of the Hippie Separatist Movement[edit | edit source]

Individuals[edit | edit source]

  • Charles Manson and his family at Spahn Ranch.
  • Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy Mansion.
  • JR "Bob" Dobbs for the Church of the SubGenius at Brushwood, NY.
  • Eris Discordia for her guide on organizing the Hippie Separatist Movement.
  • Jim Jones for leading the People's Temple and causing kids to drink more orange soda instead of Kool-Aid.
  • David Koresh for making the Branch Davidians a bunch of no-names into a flaming success.

Groups[edit | edit source]

  • The Commune of Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends which is responsible for a great deal of railway lines across the world
  • The Commune of Gregory Tindelborough who advocates having friendly yet intimate with the grass in order to be at one with nature more
  • The Commune of Tratchett McFargochetti The Fist The First, who loves getting it on down, and runs his commune just off the Grand Funk Railway. To join one must have a lot of Funk in your veins, pure and unrefined, and huff kittens 24/8 (There are 8 days there: Tuesday Thirday Thurday Flyingday Kittenhuff Huffsberryday and Thratchettyday and another day) and there are parties held all night, which are all on the downstroke, 'cos you gotta get up gotta get up gotta get down.
  • The Rainbow Family (aka: The Rainbow Tribe, Those People Over in the Woods)
  • The Commune of Flagpole Senior and His Band Of Banditos, which believe in sucking toes to save your soul
  • Church of the Subgenius famously holds communes at the end of the world, which they say comes every July 5.
  • Robin Hood and his Merry Men ("Faygelas?)
  • Star Child who is responsible for the invenion of filthy hippie "flower power."

See also[edit | edit source]