Heavy
“You are dead! Not big surprise.”
Heavy Weapons Guy (commonly known as "Heavy") is a playable character in Team Fortress 2, a game where people with severe brain damage fight over gravel. Heavy is the largest and most bullet-resistant member of the cast, which is great, because thinking isn't really his strong suit. He solves most of his problems by either punching them or filling them with so much lead that they qualify as a government water supply.
Characteristics[edit | edit source]
Heavy is a Russian man-mountain with a love for sandwiches, miniguns, and saying "Da!" to everything. He has a deep voice, a thicker accent than a Siberian blizzard, and an apparent addiction to both eating and excessive violence. Despite having the body of a bear on steroids, Heavy is surprisingly sentimental—especially when it comes to his minigun, Sasha. If you so much as breathe near her without permission, expect a five-fingered Siberian funeral.
Combat Style[edit | edit source]
Heavy’s primary strategy involves standing in one place, revving up Sasha, and laughing as he deletes anything in front of him. His movement speed is best described as "continental drift," making him an easy target. However, considering he has more health than most of his teammates combined, trying to kill him with small arms fire is like throwing Tic-Tacs at a tank.
Heavy's melee combat involves his comically large fists, which can either tenderize enemies into a fine paste or slap them so hard they reconsider their life choices. One of his most infamous strategies is The Fat Scout, where a Heavy runs around at high speed with a shotgun, scaring both enemies and cardiovascular specialists alike.
Personality[edit | edit source]
Heavy is often seen as a lovable idiot with a heart as big as his hitbox. Despite his intimidating size, he has the mental innocence of a five-year-old who just discovered a new toy… except in this case, the toy is a 150kg minigun capable of reducing a room full of people into confetti. He frequently refers to his teammates as "Tiny Baby Men," which is ironic because the only thing smaller than them is his patience for spies.
Fun Facts[edit | edit source]
- Heavy’s love for sandwiches is so intense that he literally eats them mid-battle to heal. This raises the question: is his stomach a medical marvel, or has he just accepted food poisoning as a way of life?
- Despite being a giant, gun-toting murder machine, Heavy adores small fluffy animals. It is unknown whether they feel the same about him.
- Heavy’s taunts include laughing at dead enemies, flexing his oversized muscles, and occasionally breaking out into Russian folk dancing. This is scientifically proven to increase enemy salt levels.
- He has a PhD in Russian Literature, which explains why he is so good at writing death sentences.
In summary, Heavy is the perfect blend of brute force, questionable intelligence, and meme-worthy charm. If you ever find yourself facing him in battle, remember: You are dead. Not big surprise.
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