Global Service Desk

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Global Service Desk is (un)powered by diabolical company HP.

If there's a place where you, as a complete idiot, can be paid for your level of stupidity and retardness, this is for sure, the Global Service Desk.

~ Oscar Wilde on Global Service Desk

The Global Service Desk (Global Service Deks or Social Service Center according to some reliable sources) is known worldwidely for being the call center that actually pays more to its ignorant, monolingual and gay "employees" than to its engineers and bachelors. Its promises are only to be compared with the promises of the Costa Rican government

GSD's wave 1 being fed by promises and lies (Photo taken at the NEO training, 1942)

The history of the Global Service Desk started back in the times where the headquarters used to be located in Colorado Springs, Colorado City, Colorado, CO. DOOW (Doped oppressors of workers) ran out of money due to judgements, trials and lawsuits (DOOW's policies do not forbid raping other employees but they lost anyway), so they began to look for a considerably cheaper solution in the African jungle, among the shit in India and the Siberian steppe. Suddenly, their attention was directed to a small country, famous for its underage prostitution, illegal online gambling and disastrous governments: Costa Rica.

Troubleshooting on the Global Service Desk[edit]

The Global Service Desk (Global Dispatch Desk or Great Center of Ignorance according to more reliable sources) is famous because it has invented brand new ways for solving the problems referred to them. This new level of troubleshooting has been awarded for 9 consecutive months by Time Magazine as the most impressive work ever. Why is the GSD so successful? Mostly because its employees are lawyers, journalists, photographers, socialists and kinder teachers. Here we have chosen some quotes that confirm how deep and professional these guys are.

I have a problem connecting to my Exchange Server, it says it is unavailable.

~ Kraus Stürnenbratzinbergerhulter on a Global Service Desk call

Oh, jes. Can you check if tha monitor of your kompiuter is conecte' too the lan cable? It should be plogd to the front of the doquing station, near the clock

~ Protected identity

¡Mi monitor no enciende!.

~ Juan Chu on a Global Service Desk chat

Ah no, esto... ¡hay que escalarlo!

~ Protected identity

This kind of knowledge causes over 45 positive feedbacks per day and only 1 or 2 complaints per year. Also, the first level's knowledge is so high that Global Service Desk's Second level, a.k.a. 'SMEs' (Six Moron Employees) don't have work at all. They spend the day "picking their balls", watching streaming videos and not insulting clients when on mute. They are an example for the entire service desk.

Supervising the Global Service Dex[edit]

Account manager's process of supervising selection

As shown on the left, the process for choosing the supervisors is not and will never be an easy job, but someone's got to do it. The account manager has finally found three subjects for supervising this big center of operations, their technical background is so powerful, that they are capable of destroying the Earth by clapping two times. They love to listen the SME's inquires and complains, of course, this occurs once a century; they love to look for solutions for their employees, no matter what. When they make contests, the prices are so valuable and amazing that the employees that have won, have died immediately of a heart attack.

Real rumors say that this account has already been escalated for 5 months, however we have been unable to unconfirm this information.

A typical meeting with the supervisors.