Glasgow Kiss

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WARNING: This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this.
Whilst reading this article, you should wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru,
eat Jock pies, snort crack, and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions will cause you distress and a life of misery in Falkirk.
The Glasgow Kiss is frequently seen in sport as a goal celebration or to congratulate a fellow player on a hard, but successful tackle.

The Glasgow Kiss may sound like a lovely sweet act of endearment between two adults but in the rest of the world it is something to be feared, worried about and depending on the Glaswegian performing the kiss downright terrifying. To Glaswegian's however this is an act of endearment.

Glasgow Kiss[edit]

It usually occurs when someone usually English or from Edinburgh annoys the indigenous Glaswegian. The indigenous Glaswegian will take offence at Englander/Edinbugger and swiftly head butt (Kiss) him usually causing the minimum damage of a broken nose, in some extreme cases a Glasgow Kiss has been fatal but for it to be that lethal the recipient has to be an ultra-effeminate Bag of Shite and from Kent, England.

Not to be confused with a Dundee kiss which usually ends up with the male recipient shacking up with a bleach blonde, 300 pound, mountainous single mother of 6 Dundonian with a Bucket Minge who will happily provide any Sexually Transmitted Disease or illegal narcotic whether the male wants them or not as well as ballooning to 350 pounds during pregnancy with mewling cabbage number 7, Although she will be only around 21 years of age when giving birth to her 7th mutant Ned.

History of the Kiss[edit]

The first Glasgow Kiss was performed on Roman "Biggus Headacheius" in AD 51 when the Romans first tried to conquer Glasgow. The Glaswegian involved invented the traditional war cry that accompanies the Glasgow Kiss and is used even today "Hawl, bawbag, get yer maw tae stitch this ya dafty"!

The Kiss is still ranked as the number one action to be unleashed on an Englishman or those "All Fur coat and nae Knickers" Types from along the M8 in Edinburgh. The Kiss is still a simply performed today as it was almost 2,000 years ago.

It is also a traditional Hogmanay Greeting in Glasgow for the males of the family to play a Glasgow Kiss drinking game where its kiss for kiss and dram for dram between the males until only one is left standing, epic Hogmanay battles have been know to last into February with the millennium event lasting until the summer solstice.

The Future of the Glasgow Kiss[edit]

The Future looks bright for the Glasgow Kiss as for as long as there are plenty of English and Rugger Bugger Edinburgh twats. The Glaswegian has got a job different than his usual employment of drinking Tennants super-strength lager and asking people if they've any spare change

The Scottish Secret Services have employed around 50,000 Scottish Tramps in the City of London to be on guard with their Glasgow kisses in order that if England ever decides to attack Scotland, a decisive strike right to the English heartlands can be made.

See Also[edit]


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Glasgow Kiss.

External Links[edit]