Giant hogweed

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“Turn and run! Nothing can stop them! Around every river and canal their power is growing!”

~ Genesis on the Giant Hogweed

“I prefer to take down more dangerous things... like killer robots. But as long as people are paying me, I'll take what job I can get.”

~ Skye Electra on Being a prostitute Her missions to destroy the Giant Hogweed


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Giant hogweed.

The giant hogweed, which is also commonly known by names such as cartwheel-inducer, Gehenna's Parsley, Elvis parsley, or gigantic widowmaker parsley, is a huge species of invasive plant that has plagued the universe as we know it since the day whoever the idiot that created it brought it into existence. It will commonly grow up to 30 feet tall, but some cases, it can reach heights so high as to make King Kong cringe.[1] It is heavily phototoxic; getting its sap on skin has been known to cause violent third-degree burns, the loss of limbs, or total decimation. It is also capable of firing lasers, which have been known to take entire towns off the map. As a result, it is a well-disliked plant. 

Though most giant hogweeds were initially citizens of Russia, many of them were deported during the Great Hogweed Diaspora, which occurred during the 19th century, and sent to places where they would be less welcome, such as America and England. There, they were cultivated because people thought they looked pretty. They didn't know about the lasers then. Since then, it has also spread to the far recesses of Canada, as well as Ireland, where they are currently celebrating with heavy liquor after successfully decimating a small town with their phototoxic lasers.


During the 19th century, the country of Britain was in desperate need of more ornamental plants to decorate their country.[2] The current king and queen decided to recruit special botanists who had a knack for figuring out whether or not plants looked pretty or not, and they were sent out to various backwater places across Russia and a few of those "stan" countries to find something new and interesting.

When they came back, they had brought with them many new plants, most of which are still in Britain today, including the dwarf banana tree. But some idiot had brought the giant hogweed, and it just so happened that the plant that the people in Britain liked best was the giant hogweed, because it looked nice. Many people decided to plant the giant hogweed around their houses, in their gardens, in pots inside their houses, and in places where nothing else would grow, like the middle of the road. Many of these people, after touching the giant hogweed, suffered total decimation and were found the next morning as a pile of steaming ashes. But nobody really cared. The giant hogweeds looked nice.

The giant hogweeds have since then multiplied and spread to other parts of the world, many of which they are less welcome in than they were back in Britain, or in some cases, not welcome at all. Not welcome at all in the sense that they're illegal. They have even spread to Antarctica, where they have since then been the only plant to survive there. Neato!

History (condensed)[edit]

Long ago, in the Russian hills, a Victorian explorer found the regal hogweed by a marsh. He captured it and brought it home.

He came back home to London and made a present of the hogweed to the Royal Gardens at Kew.

Fashionable country gentlemen had some cultivated wild gardens, in which they innocently planted the giant hogweed all across the land.

Soon they escaped, spreading their seed, preparing for an onslaught, threatening the human race.

Deadly qualities[edit]


The giant hogweed uses magic energy synthesized from the sunlight to produce a horrible, horrendous, hideous, and more or less completely deadly phototoxin. If one gets this on his or her skin, he or she should better pray. The first signs of the deadliness of this toxic sap are often small irritated spots that itch slightly. These will often grow into huge third-degree burns in a matter of seconds. Within the next minute or so, you will be completely decimated. Destroyed. Obliterated.

Also, if even a small amount of hogweed sap gets into the eyes, it can cause total blindness. This will only last for a few minutes, though, because you will only have a few minutes to live before you are totally decimated.


“They all need the sun to photosynthesize their lasers!”

~ Peter Gabriel, "The Return of the Giant Hogweed"

Giant hogweed also has the capability of synthesizing and firing powerful lasers that can melt through lead, or, as the case may be, people's heads. A giant hogweed can sense a person's presence from up to 50 feet away, and as soon as a person comes that near, it will often begin to angrily fire a barrage of lasers. Nothing can escape the deadly lasers of an enraged giant hogweed. In fact, last year in Germany, a total of 16,000 people were decimated by hogweed lasers.


The giant hogweed, being the invasive, annoying, and generally hated plant that it is, it is not uncommon for measures to be taken against its general existence. It has been declared illegal in almost all states and countries it inhabits, except for Ireland, because they have effective ways of dealing with it[3]. In all places like this, any form of planting giant hogweed or allowing it to grow in the wild is a punishable offense. However, there are still the idiots who do it, and because of them, there are still giant hogweeds lurking around in places they shouldn't be, just waiting to blast someone full of phototoxic lasers that shouldn't be getting blasted full of phototoxic lasers. You can take action to get rid of the giant hogweed. There are several methods of how to destroy, kill, or at least disable, a giant hogweed. Stick to these methods, and you will be able to easily defeat a giant hogweed.

  1. The Leeroy Method. Get  together with a group of friends who are just as committed to getting rid of giant hogweeds. Make sure you've got a bunch of swords and shields, because everyone will need one. Pretend to make a detailed strategy plan, which will distract the hogweed. Then run straight at the hogweed and kill it with your sword. It won't have seen it coming.[4]
  2. The Pikmin Method. What do you use to kill a big ugly thing? Lots of little cute things. Unfortunately, the Pikmin has recently gone extinct due to low polygon count. A good substitute may be babies.[5]
  3. The Jim Furyk Method. A golf club is the weapon of choice for a true warrior. Fare well in battle, my friend.
  4. The Skye Electra Method. What better way to combat a monstrous plant with powerful lasers than with some powerful lasers of your own? It's been proven to work many times. Just place the order for your $100,000 laser rifle today, and as soon as it comes in the mail, you'll be ready!
  5. The Hiroshima Method. Yet another thing in this world that nukes could so easily solve. Unfortunately, they're not readily available in most parts of the world. 

See also[edit]

  1. As seen in the 1965 film King Kong VS. The Giant Hogweed, a sequel to 1962's King Kong vs. Godzilla. It didn't do well.
  2. The tea vine and the crumpet tree were getting quite old for most of the people there.
  3. The dozens of pigs and cows there have taken up jobs eating giant hogweed in order to remove it from the general public. It's actually got a pretty good pay, when you consider it's a job for a pig, but it's almost not worth it, considering the danger.
  4. Unless it's watched viral videos. Then it will know exactly what you are doing. If this is the case with the hogweed you are battling, don't do it.
  5. This has not been attempted. Try this method at your own risk.