Giant squid

A controversial photograph of a Giant Squid.

“ Like a squid... but giant.”

~ Captain Obvious

Giant Squid, once believed to be Mythical Creatures, are members of the Architeuthidae family, and were first discovered by a cat named Mr. Cuddles. Sadly, it was another 300 years before humans learned about them because that damn cat buried the giant squid in Little Timmy's sand box. They are known for shooting ink at predators. This ink is called "Monsters' Ink" by many scientists.

Behavior and Biology

A lesson in the metric system.

• Giant Squid are deep-ocean dwelling animals that can grow up to 14 meters long! - For those of you who don't know the metric system, that's like 10 football fields! However, the longest giant squid anyone ever measured (and survived measuring) was 666 feet long.

Enemies & Environment

• Spam whales abhor giant squid and hassle them at whatever chance they get, so giant squid eat them as well. It's a handy way of dealing with a problem, especially if that problem is manifested by 55 tons of spam!
  • This technique, however, is not without its hazards, as giant squid are often irritated by their young. This habit of eating babies is not conducive to reproduction and poses a great environmental threat. Giant squid weigh so much because of their spam diet that they represent a great deal of the earth's mass, and their dwindling numbers has been fingered as a leading cause of global warming. It does not help, after all, that the giant squid enjoy sniffing perfume all the time along with good smelling hair products and thus consume a major portion of the world market of such products.

Historical Significance

Molly, the first giant squid ever used as a tool of war.

The Kerouac Squid.

• Giant squids are known for attacking ships all the time. This is because for the longest time, all human ships were made of wood. This is the reason humans ever began mining mineral ore: to make metal ships so we wouldn't get eaten.

• In the American Revolution, George Washington was the first man to use giant squid in an act of war. It is still a mystery to this day how he managed to wrangle Molly into the Delaware River, but she was a key factor in the elimination of the British.

• Jack Kerouac and his cousin, Randy, went out to sea on a wooden boat and began to recite free-form beat poetry to a baby giant squid as it munched on the hull. Just as the youngling was about to figure out how to emulate snapping fingers with her tentacles, she was broadsided by a limerick by Randy and died. Moments after this picture was taken, Randy mysteriously fell overboard and drowned. There was some speculation but no pursuit that these lines of Kerouac's poem Desolation Blues were related to the potential murder of Cousin Randy & his mustache:

"Explode & go,
I wont say nothin,
neither this cephalopod,
And my outhouse don't care,
And I got no body"

~ Jack Kerouac, regarding the suspicious circumstances of his cousin Randy's death.

• Historically, giant squid have been known to worship Cthulhu, but in recent years, they have been found to be well-loved by the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its followers.

• Giant squid definitely cannot speak Japanese very well at all.

• Squids are in possession of The emo fashion code and the cure for zombie-ism amongst several other very important documents. Without them the universe would crumple into little pieces of ground beef. End of lesson. Squids are awesome.

• Since 1174 The squid army has been fighting Domo-kun and his cult of followers. This has go on particularly in Northern Brazil and Southern Canada.

• The have a monopoly over the time travel industry that ruined the doctor's life ever science he turned into David Tennant.

• A common hobby of the Giant Squid is to play Craps with the Pope, God, Jesus, Zeus, and other Roman and greek gods

• During the cold war, the Russians used mind controlled Giant Squids to attack and sink American ships. After the war ended, the squids were sold to Japan as an exotic type of fin-less whale.

• Giant Squids are one of the few things capable of defeating a Water Ninja

Giant Squid in Books & Film

• 20,000 Chincoteagues Under the Sea
• The Fellowship of the Bling
• Harry Potter and the Philanthropist's Stock Options
• Michael Crichton's Sphere 2: Cruise Control

See Also:

• Squid
• Whales
• Ocean