Gavel

A gavel, judge hammer, lawyer whacker, witness whapper, bidder hitter, court bonker, law nailer, or jury pounder is a hammer commonly used in court rulings or proclamations to whack lawyers, jurors, witnesses, and other idiots. It is a way for judges to assert dominance when saying "Order! Order in the court!" isn't enough. It is often struck against some idiot's head, which is typically hollow to enhance the quality and sound of the whack. It is primarily used in courts, live auctions, and other places known to attract idiots.

History

According to tradition, the gavel was first used in New York in 1789 by U.S. Vice President John Adams to hit senators he disagreed with. Since then, it has remained customary and more necessary than ever to bonk intellectually challenged individuals in the head with the gavel, and in the United States, to hit them in additional places. Usage differs between cultures depending on how well the country's education system is.

Use in auctions

A gavel is primarily used in live auctions and dates back to the 17th century, when stupidity was invented, popularized, discredited, and repopularized. It is traditionally used by the fast-talking guy to bonk people who make stupid bids. The sound of the gavel striking an unsuspecting simpleton's head signals the stupidity of the person being hit and serves as a warning not to do whatever they did.

Use in meetings

A gavel may be used in meetings to highlight an especially dumb opinion or the arrival of that one guy who's only kept around to make everyone else look good. It may also be used in situations normally requiring the use of a drum, such as impromptu jam sessions or adding a little oomph to that "Imperial March" played when someone important walks in.

There are commonly three other uses of a gavel in otherwise boring meetings:

• To whack the head of someone that the gavel-holder is losing an argument with
• To break fragile objects such as windows should one be required to make a getaway
• To hit the TV, secret cameras, and other technological devices if they fail to work

Use by courts

The gavel is sometimes used in courts of law, courts of equity, and courts of food in the United States and represents the punishment for being an ignoramus. On the other hand, in places that like to flaunt the metric system, gavels are not used by judges as they don't need to compensate for anything by being loud. Gavels are also used for judicial idiot-whacking purposes in other countries. In Poland, judges stopped using them during the Second World War so they could focus on trying not to get invaded, but gavels returned to courts in 2008 following a new wave of Internet-influenced idiots.

United States Congress gavels

The Speaker of the House in 1935, threatening someone with a gavel

The unique gavel of the United States Senate is handleless for ease of throwability. In 1954, the handled gavel that had been used to hit morons broke when Vice President Richard Nixon threw it across the room at someone who accidentally called him "Mom". Since then, a handleless gavel, or "rock", has been used for throwing at imbeciles.

The gavel of the House of Representatives, by contrast, is light and wooden for ease of whacking and is used to strike rather than throw. It has been broken and replaced many times, often by sticks found in the nearby swamp.