Rake
A rake is a tool that is used to collect leaves, gather rocks, sweep up pebbles, and dry my tears. While seemingly simple in nature, it has been the work of many generations. At first, the rake started out appearing much like a stick and was used by European peasents or Japanese time travelers, depending on what story you believe. Then, Alexander von Rake came into picture and had the idea of putting something onto the rake to enhance it's abilities. Looking back, it seems obvious to us in the future, or futurians for short, that to attach metal to the end, but this idea did not come as quickly to yo mama, I mean yo forefather. At first, Alexander tried using the hands of children on the end of rakes, but this was a colossal failure. Since failure is not tolerated in Germany, he was sent to jail. His apprentice took up someone else's work and made the rake as we know it today. Still, one question remains about rakes. What will rakes be like in the future?
Evolution of the Rake[edit | edit source]
The rake did not start out as the wonderful creature it is today.[1] While the concept of the rake was first dreamt up sometime during the Age of Empires, it was not fully realized until the future.
Concept of the Rake[edit | edit source]
The rake when it first came into use appeared very much like a stick with a few prongs. There are many competing theories to who was first to use the rake and harness it's awesome power. It was originally thought to be invented when the peasants in the Middle Ages got tired of gathering the leaves off their yards with their hands. However, recent evidence suggests that that the Chinese or the Japanese might have invented it far sooner by traveling into the future and stealing it from the Europeans. Another theory is that the rake was very much like fire and that any one with common sense could have picked up a branch and use it to scrape together leaves. The purporters of this theory are often criticized because they fail to remember that cave men weren't as smart as you or me, well, at least me, and would not be intelligent enough to do the complicated task of "picking something up."
The Rake in the Industrial Age[edit | edit source]
During the Industrial Revolution, many people sought to improve existing devices with minute changes just so they could get their names on Wikipedia. Alexander Von Rake was one of these people. For years, he had been experimenting with rake designs trying to find the best fit between comfort and performance. His initial experiments consisted of trying to fashion some sort of device to one side of a pole that could somehow allow grass and dirt to pass through. He tried everything, sponges, bottles, and blocks of wood.
Finally, in 1881, he got the ingenious idea of fastening the hands of children in replace of the straw in a broom. In 1882, the product hit the markets of Western Europe. It was a colossal failure. Not only were people appalled at the use of actual children's hands, but the marketing price of $599 US Dollars proved too steep for most. Alexander justified this on the account of "children's hands were hard to come by" and "if people wanted a high quality product, they would need to pay a little extra out of the pocket." [2] Also, the German government was not amused that Alexander had dehanded 10,000 children to make his product.[3] He was sent to prison for a sentence of twenty years.
His apprentice, Michael von Jordan took up his work in the year 1883. He decided to stay away from the idea of using children's hands and instead go in a new direction: stealing other people's ideas. A contemporary of the time, Gregory, was working on an invention that had metal forks on the end of a broom. Jordan killed Gregory, wore his skin, and became the new Gregory. In 1884, Jordan, or, now, Gregory, showed off his invention at the English Grand Science Expedition. It was an instant classic. When asked what was the name of his invention, he said, "It shall be named the Alex after my beloved master, Alexander von Rake." To which, a reporter replied, "How about the rake?" Gregory, in his usual fashion, stole this idea to and named it the rake.
From there, the rake was mass produced and Gregory made a fortune. Pretty soon, every family in Western Europe and America had a rake, even if they didn't need one.[4] With Gregory being so rich he could do almost anything he wanted, he decided he would buy his way into heaven using the secret loop hole; however, this was only temporary, and he would eventually be born again as Michael Jordan, a fat, short, premature-balding man that just happened to share his name with Michael Jordan.
The Rake Today[edit | edit source]
The rake is still very much similar to Gregory's invention that was made about 125 years ago if you live in the current year of 2007. If you live in the year 1984, then it was more like 100 years ago. If you live in the year 1584, then it was -300 years ago. Also, lets not forget about those who live in the year i, in which case it happened i years ago. As of 2007, most rakes consist of pieces of metal or plastic instead of metal forks. Besides that, the design is basically the same.
However, this has not prevented people from finding new uses for the rake. Recently, jousting with rakes has become popular in the Midwest due to the lack of other things to do there. Current world champions include Vladimir "The Russian" Putin and GI "Rocky" Joe. Even though Putin is a world champion, he has never beaten Joe in an oddly pro-American, anti-Russian Cold War way. Still, the sport proves boring to anyone that has something better to do.
The Future of Rakes[edit | edit source]
There are two competing theories as to the direction in which rakes are heading.
Biorakepsychiatry[edit | edit source]
Leading rake experts, or rakesperts for short, have agreed that it is not only awesome, but necessary to grant rakes the power of thought. The means by which this is to be accomplished is the object of much controversy. Followers of the von Rake school of thought believe that children are the future, the future of rakes. Studies have shown that even the simplest parasitic relationship has warranted feelings of extreme contentment in test rakes. Other rakesperts argue that harming children is an obvious human rights violation, and experiments should be conducted on convicts and foreigners. It is widely acknowledged that the development of Smart Rakes could easily lead to the downfall of mankind, but still considered to be a small price to pay for a yard free of leaves.
Superscirakeiology[edit | edit source]
“We have nothing to fear, but semi-sentient rakes that have had computer chips implanted inside them.”
Current developments in rake technology suggest that rakes may be able to support their own computer system inside the rake.[5] It may very well be possible that your next overlords will be rakes and that they might force you to sleep with them because they own you and can have their way with you. This theory has drawn criticism, however, because rakes lack opposable thumbs and, more importantly, balls, which would make it hard for them to rape you. Still, pretty much everyone that is a supporter of Superscirakeiology believes that they will become our next overlords replacing current ones such as Oprah Winfrey and Wikipedia, so be nice to that rake in your garage because they will likely become your master in the not so distant future.
The Rake's Use as a Gag[edit | edit source]
Due to the shape of the rake, they have a tendency to lie flat on the ground until the head is stood upon, causing the rake to swing rapidly upwards like a massive bulging erection, colliding with the victim's face. This tactic was used by the Native Americans in the various Native Americans vs. Americans land disputes. Needless to say, this strategy did not prove as effective as the Americans' guns. Still, the idea persisted and can be found in today's children television shows where this is deemed as funny. Unfortunately, this is usually not funny and has led to a rise of suicides among children across the country.[6] Also, the three Native Americans that still remain have filed a suit with the Federal court system because "It is disrespectful to the heritage of the Native Americans to display [their] traditions in such a manner." As of February, 2007, two of those Native Americans died and the other turned out to be gay and married a Caucasian male. He has recently announced that he has no further plans to pursue the law suit.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
Alexander von Rake actually had a chance for the character of Fonzie on the TV show Happy Days. Unfortunately, he didn't get the job which led into a downward spiral, full of hate and grief, which eventually led to Alexander von Rake committing suicide, or did he?
Michael von Jordan's birth name was actually Peter Shollinger, but he changed it because he didn't want to be confused with Peter Shollinger, a famous door-to-door salesman of the time.
Japanese time travelers have edited this article in their favor.
It is against the law in the United States to own a rake without a permit. Yes, we are watching you.
In the 1920's, Rake Pops became a breakfast cereal for kid. The bits of rake in every spoonful proved too deadly, however, and the cereal was eventually replaced with Pope Pops, a fun alternative to eating healthy.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ My personal opinion which is therefore fact.
- ↑ Except it was in German, so it was more like "ajdfangerad sdf wefr hail hitlerdfa" and "werfadkilledaffd sd sdf afwef, jews asdfwe dfa e sdf."
- ↑ Alexander was not crazy. Just because he thought he would sell thousands of his product and did what he had to do to make them, only means he was ambitious. And if he was crazy, it's not his fault because he's German.
- ↑ A myth was started in each of the aforementioned countries of Western Europe and America that not-owning rakes was linked with losing control of your bowels.
- ↑ This statement is made with accordance of the predictions of George, a leading rakeologist, who delivers pizza on the side.
- ↑ This statement is to take the place of any research I would have done.
See Also[edit | edit source]
