Gafos

Gafos [XX-gaf] (XX = abbr. of your country, e.g Swiss-Gafosian = CH-gaf) is an Indo-Italian East-West Australian constructed language, based on no other existing language. It is the language in which you have to write your school exams, reports, essays and handouts if your teacher or professor foolishly neglects to tell you which language you should use.

For example, in the German part of Switzerland one normally speaks Swiss-German, but at school one speaks "High-German" and normally a Swiss student can also speak very well French and English and many other languages. So, especially for them, Gafos is a very important secondary language.

Gafosian grammar

This is why Gafos is such a new, extraordinary and different language. Can you memorize all those fucking nuances of boring essay-style French grammar, or all those pointless Russian vocables? No, we didn't think so. So take a look how we handled this issue.

Gafosian vocabulary

There's no vocabulary at all in Gafos.

Gafosian orthography

There's no correct spelling at all in Gafos, other than the restriction that any specific mispelling of a given word MUST be consistently applied everywhere within the entire document. Other than that, let your imagination run wild!

History of Gafos

For a very long time historians, professors and grade-school teachers assumed that Gafos is named after the famous grade-school godhood Jeff. However, more recent research found out that it isn't as simple as they once thought. So they determined that Gafos is an acronym, either for I Give A Fuck On School, or for I don't Give A Fuck On School. The first appearance of a Gafosian manuscript was provisionally carbon-dated to 2018 (the exact date of composition is unknown).

How to write a good Gafosian text

First

First of all, you have to find a subject which interests you. Don't worry about all that NOT SAFE FOR WORK nonsense. You must find that subject which you truly want to write about.

Second

Then you just search around the internet (preferably with SafeSearch disabled) for a text about your chosen topic. It's not important that you search for an actual English text; but if you have a Latin keyboard, it's better to search for a text written with Latin letters.

Third

So, assuming you have the text and a halfway-decent text editor, you can now start uniformly replacing individual letters, whole words or combinations of letters. It's good, too, to replace common words like "or" or "and" or "the" by corresponding Gafosian-style words. If you have in your final text the same percentage of "sue" as the word "and" in a normal text, everyone can easily find out that "sue" means "and" and everybody will assume it's a real language.

Fourth

You can finish replacing words and letters, when you can't see any longer what the text first was about.

Fifth

You read the text aloud by yourself to check whether it really sounds like some kind of foreign language (as opposed to just a random mixture of letters). If it sounds legit, you can print and send your handout to your teacher and wait until the next lesson.

Sixth

Be prepared for a long discussion with your professor or your teacher about a funny anecdote, your personal family situation, or what she/he did, when he/she went to school.

Example: An essay on coal formation

Source text

Formation of Brown Coal

Coal forms over millions (c 250 mya) of years out of organic materials such as ancient plants or animals. Important for the formation of coal is a correct combination of three factors, i.e. the pressure coming from other rock layers, heat and microbial activities. Concerning these three effects the percentage of carbon in the coal increases with time. When the percentage is about 60-70 percent, we call the product brown coal. If you let the coal even longer in the earth, the percentage of carbon will increase even higher, first it will form sub-bituminous coal and then bituminous coal with an amount of carbon of about 90% (GC 2016). Worldwide there are about 1.1 trillions of proven coal reserves. That’s enough for the next 150 years (if our coal usage remains the same). For comparison: the worldwide proven reserves of oil and gas reaches only for approximately the next 50 years (WCE 2018).

--written by K.K.--

Translation into American-Gafosian (US-gaf)

Nullemetzzi kir Bryyn Klo

Klo fnullems over millzzis (ce. 250 mio.) kir yeers out kir nulleguumic meteriels suc es uumciuumt pluumts nulle uumimels. Impnulletuumt fnulle tfuu fnullemetzzi kir klo lo e cnullerect combinetzzi kir tbree fectnulles, i.e. tfuu pressure coming from otfuur rock strete, fuuet uumd e microbiel ectzzi. Concerzing tfuuse tbree effects tfuu percuumtege kir cerbon in tfuu klo reloes witb time. Wbuum tfuu percuumtege lo ebout 60-70 percuumt, we cell tfuu product bryyn klo. If you let tfuu klo tbuum in tfuu eertb, tfuu percuumtege kir cerbon will reloe evuum bigfuur, eerst it will fnullem sub-bituminous klo uumd tbuum bituminous klo witb uum emount kir cerbon kir ebout 90% (GC 2016). Wnulleldwide tfuure ere ebout 1.1 trillzzis kir provuum klo reserves. Tfuut’s uumougb fnulle 150 yeers from jj on (if our klo usege remyns tfuu seme). Fnulle comperloon: tfuu wnulleldwide provuum reserves kir oil uumd ges reecfuus only fnulle epproximetely 50 yeers (WCE 2018).

--Scryyfen uz K.K.--