Final Girl

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Final Girl.
Jamius Curtius, not drinking or fornicating - and she's yet to die.
He's behind the door! BEHIND THE DOOR!

Astute Cinema Patron

Final Girl was born Vivian Maurice Chastise in Random WASP Town somewhere in Ohio, at a date making her old enough to drink (but she chooses not to so she has a reason to live through the ). She is a nice girl who refuses to go all the way with her boyfriend, Jimmy McQuarterback, and is the one girl at the end of the movi- day, who refuses to be killed by the murderer.


Final Girl has blonde/brown/ginger hair, depending on financial status of movie and whether or not the actress has done porn. She is timid and never tokes, smokes, or huffs, no matter how many of her friends are doing it.

When the rampaging killer/monster/vampire/werewolf/Juno comes after her friends on their camping/hunting trip or big party, she always locks herself in closets and watches as her friends die, staying rather emotionless (whether this is a fault of the creative team or actress, we'll never know).

Eventually, due to her abstinence and pent up rage due to her lack of sexual lifestyle, she stabs the villain multiple times, foaming at the mouth like a rabid possum, because she's just too darn sick of him/her/it killing her friends (and most of the time, her boyfriend Jimmy McQuarterback).

That Fateful Day[edit]

One of God's Moral avengers, being holy chain-style!

The day that Final Girl became renowned for her strength, her will to live, her ability to run upstairs and her apparent lack of sexual libido has many different versions. Luckily, they all follow a basic Cable TV storyline so here it is.

Final Girl is out with her friends, probably at a makeout party or camping in a secluded place without cellphones - cause, y'know, that's just what teenagers do. Due to the fact that God exists or karma is a real force, all the friends who do bad things like drink, smoke, or use their genitalia are viciously murdered by a descendant or messenger of this God.

Towards of the end of the movi-, Final Girl is the only one left alive. She grabs a knife from the kitchen (or knitting Needle from the couch, whatever) and does the intelligent thing to do - runs upstairs. Once in the safest place possible (usually a flimsy wooden closet or behind an inch thick bathroom door) the killer appears to give up, so Final Girl gets out of the hiding place and doesn't call the authorities immediately (she doesn't want to bother them at this time of night).

But the lighting becomes unrealistically eerie and a shade of blue...when she least expects it, the Killer jumps out and erotically swings the knife/machete at Final Girl (missing every time - it's hard being manacial). Final Girl has had enough. She's sick of putting up with his murderous ways and stabs the Killer, getting revenge for her friends deaths (even though she is yet to really react to them).


Final Girl's origins appear to have been traced back to Jamieus Leeis Curtius, the original Final Girl. Today, Jamieus works as a gas nozzle somewhere in Virginia - far from her original good girl look. The idea for Final Girl came to Jamius when she was snorting cocaine, drinking, and having orgies all whilst being picked off by a murderer. When her death was Retconned in the sequel, Jamieus's idea was "stolen" by Johnithus Carpenius. After ranting and raving at him about things not concerning Final Girl, Jamius was allowed to become her.

Situation Today[edit]

Final Girl is still alive today, although has been replaced by a sassier model - The Cindius Campbell. Common lines by the Cindius Cambell -

  • "LOL Self reference!"
  • "I'm aware of the cliche's I'm in,".
  • "LOL Humour mixed with horror - Besides the 300 years of it already existing, we're claiming we invented it!".

More Info[edit]

For more info on Final Girl, visit your local DVD store and ask for "The Evolutuion of Final Girl".