Elliot Page
“Why can't I just hug another man with my legs in friendship?”
Elliot Philpotts-Page (born February 21, 1987), known professionally as Elliot Page, is an adorable Canadian dwarf, tree hugger, plant abuser, sex symbol, child, adolescent, nerd, and indie icon. He is also an actor best known for his controversial role as pregnant teenager Juno in the anti-Semitic comedy "Jew? No!" (titled "Jude? Nah!" in Israel and "Juden? Nein! Nein! Nein!" in Germany). His abnormally large forehead (fivehead?) puts bread on the table now, as Jason Reitman pays Page to let him use it as a runway for his private jet, if you know what I mean.
Although some think that Ellen Page is merely the deadname of Elliot Page, Elliot actually consumed Ellen's flesh on December 1, 2020 and took her place.
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Elliot Page was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. His father, Jimmy Page, is a bass guitarist for "Page Against the Machine". Because Jimmy and his baby-mama toured with the band, Elliot had to raise himself. Pretending to have a family by expertly impersonating his parents, he transferred his ability to impersonate people to the stage. He gained fame in his high-school and college plays when, as his College Yearbook noted "He excels at becoming other people so much that I've often asked him out on dates and/or given him wedgies in the same ten-minute period".
Critics called him a "talented actor" but really he was a "paranoid schizophrenic". Despite that, with some hope and an ass that cried Mary, he wandered off one day and began acting in truck stops and in indie films. Then a certain Mr. Hollywood lulled him into his car with candy and kidnapped him and let's just say he developed Stockholm syndrome.
Career[edit | edit source]
Since he came to America the film that got him the most recognition was "Jew? No!", about how autistic Jewish hipster, Paulie Bleeker (Michael Que Cera Cera), has rubberless sexual intercourse with a girl named Juno (Page) and impregnates her. She aborts the baby because it's a Jew, as most women do. The rest of the plot is incoherent as Juno begins to overdo her usage of words like 'blog' and 'homeskillet'. All the teenage girls swooned over the film, mainly because a shirtless Taylor Lautner was in it. However, most people thought the film was so dreadful that it was a sign from God that the Apocalypse was nigh.
Despite the film's bad press, the writer of "Jew? No!", Diablo Cody (a poorly paid ex- and future stripper), and director Jason Reitman decided to release a sequel called "Hard Candy". In this film Juno has developed gender dysphoria and has cut her hair as only a man or a lesbian would. Still pissed off about the conception of the Jew baby, Juno decides to track down Paulie Bleeker and castrate him whilst poking fun at his circumcized penis by saying it looks like a 'misleading hard-on'.
Elliot's latest film is the third and final film in The "Jew? No!" Chronicals; the Disney Channel blockbuster "Conception" featuring Leonardo Di Caprio (star of "Thai Tan? Ick!" and "Catch Me If You Can, Sir")
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Having met on the set of "Lesbos On Skates" (also known as "Whip It Out, Ladies!") Elliot was married to notorious Hollywood bad girl Drew Barrymore. In an attempt to escape a likely murder by Jews over the anti-semitism in "Hard Candy" and from the insatiable Eastern European paparazzi, the petite couple have moved into hiding. Even though they have often been seen in public, they are usually mistaken for elves and end up being constantly wished upon.
On December 1, 2020, Page was eaten by a transgender man on his social media accounts, specified his victim as now-consumed Ellen Page, and revealed his new name, Elliot Page. He also revealed that he is in a relationship with E.T.