Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (sometimes called DDDDC for short), is a world-wide mafia organization focused on doing people personal favors for a reasonable price.

What kind of services do they handle? Well, for example, let’s say that you got a lady and you want her gone but you don’t got the guts, she keeps nagging you night and day (enough to drive you nuts), all you got to do is pick up the phone, leave her alone, make your stand and for a fee, they’re happy to be your back door men.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap was started by Ned Kelly and his gang in 1878 and has been running since then. The organization was only famous in Australia and didn’t gain any real ground until AC/DC made a song advertising the company in 1976. Since then, it spread over from the Land Down Under, over to New Zealand, America, Great Britain, Canada and all over the world.

Early history

Australian folk hero Ned Kelly was the proud founder of DDDDC. He's wearing armor made from stove, standing in front of what's either the outback, or the farm 10 miles away from my house.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap was started in 1878 - June 16, 1878, to be precise - by Ned Kelly when he realized he and his gang couldn't be credited for every bank robbery in Australia simultaneously, so he gathered up every thug - whether they were professional, amateur or aborigine - in the country and asked them to commit random acts of violence from every corner of the continent/country, so people could have Mafioso favors at their fingertips even if they lived in the outback.

Men from Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap would strike out people cold before they could see the t-shirt they were wearing of Ned Kelly in his stove armor with the words DDDDC written underneath it. While every dirty deed Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap did was done dirt cheap, some favors cost more than others. If it was a simple tickle torture, then it would cost A$2. If it was severing of one finger, it would cost A$3. If it was severing of two fingers, it would cost A$4. If it was severing of three fingers, it would cost A$5. If it was severing of four fingers, it would cost A$6. If it was severing of an entire hand, it would cost A$10. If you wanted arson, it would cost A$12. If you wanted murder, it would cost A$15. If you wanted mass murder, it would cost A$20. If you wanted rape, it would cost A$21. If you wanted gang rape, it would cost A$25. If you wanted a massive robbery, you would have to give away 5% of the desired sum - they're not greedy, they just want their share.

While the telephone was actually invented in 1876, the plane was not invented until 1903, therefore moving anything to Australia prior to the Wright Brothers' flight was near impossible, and it would take three months via ship at the earliest. The earliest known records of the telephone being used in Australia was in 1883, and hence it made Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap's work much more efficient. It re-boosted the company, after Kelly's death in 1880, leaving several people unsure what to do now that their bandleader was gone. People were calling DDDDC like crazy after that, and they continued their dirty deeds.

Had the telephone not been introduced to Australia in 1883, hilarious shit like this wouldn't ensue 112 years later....but I digress.

However, later on in 1995, the introduction of the telephone to Australia would prove itself to be a dick move, when one over-the-top American ten-year-old thought of the brilliant idea of sending prank phone calls to Australia about which way the water in their toilet goes when they flush it, forgetting it to hang up, leaving through a chaotic series of hilarious events involving eco-terrorism and would eventually end with the Australian Prime Minister being mooned with the words "Don't tread on me" waved in front of his face.

Development during the turn of the century

As today's era would be called the Age of Reinvention (something I noticed when I was watching commercials for crazy new products on a hot Saturday afternoon), the years 1870-1917 would be called the Age of Invention. Several great products were being put on the line with the creation of new inventions, like the light bulb. No, I didn't just have a great idea; I simply said light bulb.

In 1915, DDDDC got a promotional blimp showing off the words "DIRTY DEEDS DONE DIRT CHEAP: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, SIMPLY DIAL 31." This boosted up profits for the company significantly, raising annual earnings from A$200 a year to A$15,937 a year.

The phone number 31 was changed in 1942 to FM 4360 (36 4360), after telephone use became more frequent in Australia. In 1960, it was changed again, this time to 362 4360. On 7 May 1995, it was changed again and is now 9362 4360.

AC/DC album

The original Australian album cover for Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, more reflectant of the organization's badassness than the American album cover.

The biggest promotion of course didn't come up until 1976, when Australian hard rock group AC/DC released the album Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, a concept album with songs all about the organization. On the title track, Bon Scott raves that if you're having trouble with the high school head (he's giving you the blues), you want to graduate but not in his bed, here's what you got to do: pick up the phone, he's always home, call him any time; just ring 362-4360, he lives a life of crime. Coincidentally, that song led several people to call 362-4360, demanding several people to use Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, although the number was cheap to call if you were in Australia, but luckily most people didn't mind long distance phone calls for mafia organizations because they liked the terrifying feel of it all.

Other notable songs on Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap the album were "Big Balls," which promoted how the organization Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap would often glamorous, big ballroom dances, although a lot of people believed there was a double entendre in the song, just like there was in "Big Ten Inch Record" by Aerosmith. There was also "Problem Child," which described how somebody in DDDDC was often innately bad and was a problem child at birth.

The cover for the rest of the world, depicting the faces of the victims of Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, minus their eyes, because DDDDC could've ripped them out.

Also, is the much slower song "Ride On," which was a change in pace for AC/DC's fast-paced style, where Bon Scott talks about how "one of these days I'm gonna change my evil ways," talking about his eventual parting from DDDDC and ride on through the troubles of life as he bravely reintegrates with the rest of the world to put behind his past with DDDDC, because he gets so lonely, he gets so lonely, what is he going to do? He's gonna ride on, ride on, gonna ride on, ride on, ride on, ride on, keep on ridin'.

However, this promise is broken in the next song "Squealer" where Scott talks about a sexual encounter he had with a virgin whilst with Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, saying "she never been, never been touched before." Whether this was consensual or not was anybody's guess. On the Australian version, however, the album ended with "Jailbreak", a recounting of an escape from Pentridge Prison mounted by an associate of DDDDC.

Today

Thanks to AC/DC's record sales, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap is now an international organization. While the country has services most common in nations that speak English as its first language, services are held in other non-English-speaking countries too, like France, Germany, Spain, Sweden, China, Mexico, Japan, Thailand, Russia, Italy and Greece. There is even a chapter in Azerbaijan, even though there's only member of the Azeri chapter, his name is Anidnmeno.

However, not everything Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap is a dirty deed. For example, you got into problems in your life of love, you got a broken heart, he's double dealing with your best friend, that's when the teardrops start fella, pick up the phone, they're here alone, they'll make a social call, come right in, forget about him, we'll have ourselves a ball.

Now, this article is wrapped up, me and the boys at Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap will ride off into the sunset, riding our motorcycles speedily through the mountains, ready to do whatever dirty deeds you need for dirt cheap prices.

Remember, what you want, we at DDDDC got it. Concrete shoes, sayonara, T-N-T, DONE DIRT CHEAP! Neckties, counteracts, high voltage! DONE DIRT CHEAP!*

* Note: Services not available in Maryland, Kentucky, Utah, Arizona, Vermont, North Dakota and Michigan. Offers must be prepaid before dirty deeds are done. Credit cards are not accepted. This organization is not associated in any way with "Dirty Deeds, Thunder Chief" or "Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep".