Dances with Wolves
Dances With Wolves is a moving drama set in 1863 on the American Frontier. It details the true story of one man's battle with hair loss. Starring Kevin Costner, the movie won critical acclaim in the 1990 Colorado Springs Movie Society competition. Kevin Costner also wrote, auditioned for, directed, shot, edited, made coffee during and launched the movie as well as playing its starring role. Industry experts like Rowland Bunting from the Dog and Partridge on Oldham Road, Manchester, England said "Costner only had a budget of £836 (approx $1200), so its quite impressive really what he did with it. Not that I couldn't have done better, but no-one fucking asked me did they?"
The film did come under criticism from some industry moguls such as Derek Haggis, head of the Danville High School Home Movie Makers Club, based in Danville, Kentucky who said "My mate's dad said there was not enough shagging in it and so he didn't like it."
In 1863, First Lieutenant, John J Dumbell (Kevin Costner) gets injured playing tennis whilst he should have been fighting the war. He is presented before the entire US army and thrashed to within an inch of his life for his dishonourable behaviour. After recovering in jail, Dumbell is summoned before the head of the army, Colonel Sanders (Julia Roberts) and told that he must spend the rest of his life in isolation on the American Frontier because nobody likes him anymore. Dumbell is ever so grateful and offers to suck off the General, which the General accepts
Arriving at the garrison, Dumbell encounters an indigenous tribe of equestrian pranksters who attempt to capture his horse, Bob (Kylie Minogue), in order to play practical jokes with it. Fearing for the moral integrity of his horse, Dumbell decides to disguise Bob as a pair of sandals. This fails miserably and the tribe capture the horse, then using it to play a number of practical jokes on Dumbell such as putting the horse in Dumbell’s sugar bowl, resulting in him sprinkling horse on this cornflakes in the morning; putting the horse in a bucket and propping it above a door so that when Dumbell enters the room he is drenched in horse, and other timeless classics.
Dumbell becomes quite upset and goes bald. However, after wallowing in pity for several weeks Dumbell decides to confront the tribe and heads out to see them. On his way he encounters a beautiful young woman washing her ears in the river. He approaches quietly but she spots him, knocks him to the ground and rapes him. After satisfying her lust, she introduces her self as Fucks Like A Demon (Bill Cosby) and tells Dumbell that he is now her man-bitch slave. She leads him back to the tribe’s camp and has him perform various acts of servitude for the next several months, during which Dumbell also fashions a wig from his own pubic hair.
Dumbell becomes fascinated with the indigenous tribe’s sense of humour and their skill with using horses in practical jokes. He comes to love the tribe and they adopt him as their own, which he accepts despite being its lowest and most abused member. Dumbell then hears of the fact that Colonel Sanders has had word of the horse abuse originally perpetrated against Bob and is sending 25,000 infantry troops to the garrison to retrieve the horse. Dumbell informs the tribe’s chief, Ten Men (Michael Barrymore) who smashes Dumbell in the face with a brick and steals his pubic wig. Dumbell then tells Ten Men of a plan that he has conceived to disguise Bob as a Wal Mart store before the army arrives. Ten Men likes this plan and rapes Dumbell as a reward.
The plan is put in to motion, and the tribe along with Dumbell hide in some bushes as the army approaches. The army arrives but they see no sign of Bob, so they decide to pick up some bargain groceries whilst they are here. Satisfied with their quality produce at low, low prices, the army retreats. Dumbell and the tribe then stand around laughing and patting each other on the back for the remaining seven hours of the film.
The name of the film, Dances With Wolves refers to the repeated appearance of a lone wolf that Dumbell names Two Legs, due to the fact that it only has two legs. Dumbell finds comfort and solace in the presence of Two Legs who he torments by poking it with a stick and dancing around it, kicking dirt in its eyes. The indigenous tribe observed this behaviour and called Dumbell Dances With Wolves.
- Kevin Costner as Lt. John J. Dumbell / Dances with Wolves
- Bill Cosby as Fucks Like A Demon
- Michael Barrymore as Ten Men
- Kylie Minogue as Bob The Horse
- Michael Jackson as Two Legs The Wolf
- Julia Roberts as Colonel Sanders
- Sigmund Freud as himself
- Jesus Christ as Whistles At Taxis
- King Kong as Floating In The Toilet
- Justin Timberlake as Walks Like A Fairy
- The Chuckle Brothers as Fuck Me and Fuck You
The premiere of Dances With Wolves was held on 22nd February 1990 in the front room of Kevin Costner’s dad’s house, who has a really big TV and a state of the art DVD player. In attendance were some of the biggest names in the village of Bumfuk, Alabama where he lives, including the Headteacher of Bumfuk Junior School, Jenny Page; the manager of Licky Chicken, Greasy Tom (who also provided the catering for the night) and owner of The Clean Spot dry cleaning store, Lon Po Win Chong. Invited to attend were also many international members of the film industry, none of whom replied to the invitations except Godzilla, who said that he would love to come, but his latest film is behind schedule and he simply cannot get approval from his director to be away for the weekend. Besides, that weekend is meant to be the filming of his sex scene with Pamela Anderson and there is no fucking way he is missing that.
All attendees at the premiere had a really good night.
- Oprah: Who came up with the story for Dances With Wolves?
- Kevin: I don’t know. Who said that? What do you mean?
- Oprah: Erm. Its OK Kevin, I’m just asking who created the story?
- Kevin: Oh, ok. Well it isn’t really a story, its more of a tale.
- Oprah: What’s the difference?
- Kevin: Well, a tale is like a story but with a story you have stuff happening whereas in a tale, its more like things happen.
- Oprah: That’s very true, I’ve never realised that before.
- Kevin: Right.
- Oprah: Is any part of the story true?
- Kevin: It’s a tale.
- Oprah: Is any part of the tale true?
- Kevin: Don’t be so fucking stupid woman.
- Oprah: OK.
Kevin Costner was reported to be working on a sequel to Dances With Wolves, called Cooking With Elephants. The film was a prequel to the original film and was to be set in 87 BC in Rome. The film tells the story of Lt. John J. Dumbell’s fall from power as leader of the Roma Counter Terrorism Unit and was due to be set in real-time.
Unfortunately two weeks into production Kevin died when he was eaten by a gorilla named Paul.